Help anybody else give up on suicide?

[meowpuppy]

i'm not really sure what to do.. some help would be nice.

i have literally no feasible way of killing myself, but the worst part is that i actually tried to find one, instead of a lot of other people who are in my situation who just, don't start in the first place. the worst part is that i actually solidly tried researching how to do it for months, i had everything set up.. then i suppose it just slipped through my fingers like mist. i've given up on suicide, for that reason, just, as a concept. oh well, i'll always go back to it, it's chronic, after all, but i've tried not to be so harsh on myself for failing to die. i guess if you're not going to die.. then that just leaves recovery and rotting. i'm a pretty good rotter, but it's gotten stale. i wanna recover, really bad, but that too is horrifying, and seems infeasible, maybe just as much as suicide, because i live an awful life. i think the only way i could recover now is being ever so slightly nicer to the people i talk to online, and talking to more people online. i used to kind of hate talking to people, but now i feel like i talk too much.. or at least say too much too fast.

i don't know anymore.. i just wanna die, but i can't.

 

[PugnaEnjoyer2137]

I get you. It's so tiring. It's tiring to get better. It's tiring to try and CTB. Unfortunately there's no easy way to do either one of those things. There's nothing wrong with being lost and taking time to figure out whether you have power to go on, or not. I've had the exact same thought today. If I could disintegrate tonight in my sleep, I would choose it, but that's impossible.
Life isn't a race, and nobody should judge you for taking your time with figuring things out, to either recover or make a decision you cannot undo. You have all the time in your life to either make it easier and enjoyable for yourself, and the time you took to learn about CTB won't dissapear either. It's always there.

 

[hughmun9]

I haven't but I admire the fact that you're able to. My mind jumps to suicide every time I face the tiniest discomfort nowadays.

 

[1000memoryleaks]

you're probably exhausted from life and now have to exhaust yourself further just to put that exhaustion to an end. it's never easy to make take that final step. i'm unfortunately not sure how to help you but i wanted to reassure you that the way you feel is not as unusual as you might believe

 

[brokennsad]

U read my mind, but only thing is if I had a final step to end my life i would take it in a heartbeat