eliza23
Member
- Aug 10, 2022
- 29
So if I'm honest this is just random because I've been seriously struggling. So, I found a guy that I love but I've been through so much I just don't know if I could handle it. I need some advice or whatever you can give me helpful or not I don't care. I'm gonna tell you my story please don't judge it's gonna be as short as possible not to much detail cuz it'll seem like a lot of detail but I'm a writer I know it's gonna sound like a lot of details but truly it's not even half of it.
It all started when I was 8 my three older brothers by at least 2 or 4 years above me they started paying me to do their chores. I mean I didn't mind but things slowly got a bit different, they then started asking me to let them touch me, to have me strip in-front of them, to suck them off, to let them play with my body as if I was just some tool. They would ask me to strip down naked, they would either ask me to touch myself which I had no idea what I was doing, or they would touch me play with my breasts or down their and even asked me to suck or jerk them off and let them put their thing between my legs. But soon enough things escalated and I said no but I went along with them in the first place not because of the money but because they told me it was normal and i didn't wanna say no and experience what it was like again when their mad. But then they started asking me to touch myself in-front of their friend and they told me to let him touch me to touch him and I felt so disgusted and scared and unsure of what to do so I never told my parents. But the thing is they did this everyday and every chance they got until they wanted to try actual sex and i didn't know what they really entailed so I said nothing and just let them take my hand and guide me to their room but they tried to fuck me and they couldn't fuck the front because it hurt so much more than I thought it would. But they fucked me in the back and god did it hurt but I cried in silence and just let him do what he wanted because he loved this girl who would pretend to break up with him ad then say she was kidding so he was hurting and I knew it and I just wanted him to be happy and he seemed to be happy so I normalized my childhood. Because this never stopped for longer than maybe a day or two because our parents would wanna hangout every once in a while. But it never truly stopped til I was 12 years old. I had lost it, I had cried every night I would flinch just waiting for the hit to come my way, I would hide in the corner or the smallest place i could find so they couldn't reach me. Because I was actually a pretty small person ya know. I could never sleep again at night because it stopped for 3 months then during school every morning 2 hours before I had to wake up for school my middle brother of the three would come into my room and he always thought I was still asleep and he would sneak into my room and put his hands under my blanket. And I used to always sleep in underwear so it was easy for him to stick his fingers in down there and do whatever he wanted. I stopped sleeping half naked I started sleeping fully clothed never with my back turned away from the wall so no one could ever touch me again. Then one day it all finally truly stopped and I felt alright never again was I okay or did I feel safe in that house I never felt like i had big brothers who would always love an protect me because I now needed protection form them. This is the end of this story onto the next.
The second story is actually about my mother and father hurting me it's gonna be cut pretty short. It started when I was 10 the first time my mother truly hurt me. And yes I understand the difference between spanking and abuse which spanking is legal okay. She was abusing me then, sure maybe not on purpose but she was. She spanked me for the first time and she didn't stop this time at 10 no she kept going until my butt was purple cuz she wanted me butt naked no pants and I couldn't feel my butt anymore. She kept going even though I finally said sorry for wandering off. She just wanted me to say sorry I finally said it after number 45, but she kept going I couldn't sit for a good 3 weeks but she put vinegar on it and said I was fine I was just being punished for misbehaving. And it all truly started after that. my siblings threw things at me or hit me with objects just because I somehow pissed them off. I have had so many stitches on my head from my siblings it's crazy. I was hit in the face by my own shoe rack by my brother and got at least 7 stitches and I still have a scar and it's swollen from all the scar tissue build up. My mother always told me it was my fault for misbehaving and I was just being punished and somewhere down the line I blamed myself. later on in life though I learned it was the stress my parents were causing them by giving them so many responsibilities that our parents should have had to shoulder but put onto their kids shoulders instead. But then I was hit in the head twice the back and top of my head by my two youngest siblings with toy trucks. Then by my second oldest sister she hit me over the head with a stick a very thick one at that. Then by the same brother I was hit by a broken hanger which just so happened to hit my head and make me bleed. I was hit on the face by my brother with a walking stick cuz we were fighting over it and he wanted it too. I busted my lip it got so badly swollen it wasn't even funny. Then it all started with my dad. He started spanking me, but in an abusive way. He would use serving silverware, walking sticks, bamboo, hangers, back scratchers, and even books and a small metal pole we had. He would beat my butt, back of my thighs, my bare feet, my lower back and even my arms. He would tell me I was just being punished and that he still loved me as if I had done something that would make him stop loving me. Then he started making me give him my bear butt and spank me more than 50 hits where ever he managed to hit me it didn't matter anymore. I started to think everything was my fault and that if I behaved, if I became soft, if I listened and did what I was told no matter what it was then I wouldn't be hurt as much. But my mother oh boy if you even looked at her the same way or she didn't like how you were looking or or how you were making any noise she did not like she'd ask you to come forward slap you hard as a motherfucker without warning and I started flinching even more after that soon enough I started showing signs of PTSD and I was having panic attacks and I couldn't sleep anymore trouble staying asleep and falling asleep I started having depressive episodes an I started cutting to make all the pain and confusion I felt inside go away. Well this is the end of this story now onto the next.
This is about school, and the special needs asshole who was just a little slow assaulted me. I was skipping classes in my 9th grade year because of bullies. I think I actually skipped half of my 9th grade school year if I'm honest always hiding out in the gym. But one day I was skipping class last period on november 9th 2019. I was skipping in the corner of the hallway cuz their was a broken desk their for me to sit at, and no cameras so i wouldn't get into trouble if only I knew those cameras never worked in the first place. But he came there saw me we started talking about school and classes, then he started kissing me, groping me sticking his hands in my shirt and you could say I was basically groomed by my brothers and I became somewhat obedient. But I started feeling scared and disgusted with myself I tried to push his hands away but I felt frozen and so weak. But thank god a teacher called him out he looked up quickly and said he'd be back. But thankfully for me the bell rang for the end of school 20mins after he left. It took me three day's before i reported him to the school because I was scared. But I told the school they reported it and then I just went on with my life sorta. But he would always follow me around during lunch and turns out he was trying to apologize for what he did because the school told him that was all he had to do to fix this. So clearly I don't mater as much as the school said huh, cuz while I was telling them what happened I was struggling through a panic attack. But guess that didn't matter now did it. But anyways end of this story time for the last one.
I had tried to end my life multiple times for the past 7 years now and I've only been admitted for the three attempts I had last year oct 30th, april 15th, and may 13th. In the hospital I was admitted to against my will in april it was called ridgeview located in monroe georgia, I was there for a whole month of april and some of may because they were dealing with defax which was investigating my family. But while i was in ridgeview I kinda fell for one of the other patients their his name was andrew he was 21 I think. I was nervous and scared when he asked me to have sex with him, I just kept telling him how I was a virgin and that I was nervous and scared god if only I had screamed right then and there that I didn't really wanna do it and that I was freaking out and was scared and felt disgusted just with him even asking. But he took me to his room while everyone else was distracted with snack time. He told me to get undressed, then he got undressed he started to try to kiss me but I didn't know how and I felt disgusted but then he started kissing down my neck and I pulled away discreetly but I think he noticed cuz then he said how do you wanna do this and I responded quickly. He then sat down on the toilet in his bathroom asked me to get on his lap and he proceeded to hold my hips and have me go up and down on him. I was shaking so badly I could barley stand and my heart was pounding so fast and so loudly that I didn't really notice when the nurses were looking for me till after he had cum in me but while he was holding my body up for me cuz I was struggling to he told me how beautiful I was and how he would never hurt me how he didn't wanna hurt me. But the nurses found out did nothing didn't report it told me not to, and they even said it was fine. But a few days after what had taken place I heard the other patients talking about what me and andrew did, and they told me he said I begged him to fuck me, how I said his thing was so big, and how I was so beautiful and sexy and had a nice body and so on. And it just hurt me so much cuz sure I liked him a lot but he used me I knew that and yet it took this for me to truly believe and accept that fact. so I guess you could say I'm broken, I just can't look at men the same anymore I'm to afraid of being used, being hurt, being left behind, being judged, being showed off like a trophy and being tossed aside for someone better.
So basically I just need some answers, do you guys think I'll truly ever recover because just writing this I wanna fucking die but I can't because that asshole got me pregnant even though I lost the baby 3months in I promised myself I'd try to live I'd keep going but damn I just don't know if I can anymore that baby was everything to me I'd already lost a friend to suicide, a brother to suicide and grand parents and great grandmother to death and a best friend to suicide both in 8th grade and a few months back I just can't take anymore. Do you guys think I'll ever be able to get past this, that i"ll be able to love someone and let them love me back and have more kids because i'm unsure.
It all started when I was 8 my three older brothers by at least 2 or 4 years above me they started paying me to do their chores. I mean I didn't mind but things slowly got a bit different, they then started asking me to let them touch me, to have me strip in-front of them, to suck them off, to let them play with my body as if I was just some tool. They would ask me to strip down naked, they would either ask me to touch myself which I had no idea what I was doing, or they would touch me play with my breasts or down their and even asked me to suck or jerk them off and let them put their thing between my legs. But soon enough things escalated and I said no but I went along with them in the first place not because of the money but because they told me it was normal and i didn't wanna say no and experience what it was like again when their mad. But then they started asking me to touch myself in-front of their friend and they told me to let him touch me to touch him and I felt so disgusted and scared and unsure of what to do so I never told my parents. But the thing is they did this everyday and every chance they got until they wanted to try actual sex and i didn't know what they really entailed so I said nothing and just let them take my hand and guide me to their room but they tried to fuck me and they couldn't fuck the front because it hurt so much more than I thought it would. But they fucked me in the back and god did it hurt but I cried in silence and just let him do what he wanted because he loved this girl who would pretend to break up with him ad then say she was kidding so he was hurting and I knew it and I just wanted him to be happy and he seemed to be happy so I normalized my childhood. Because this never stopped for longer than maybe a day or two because our parents would wanna hangout every once in a while. But it never truly stopped til I was 12 years old. I had lost it, I had cried every night I would flinch just waiting for the hit to come my way, I would hide in the corner or the smallest place i could find so they couldn't reach me. Because I was actually a pretty small person ya know. I could never sleep again at night because it stopped for 3 months then during school every morning 2 hours before I had to wake up for school my middle brother of the three would come into my room and he always thought I was still asleep and he would sneak into my room and put his hands under my blanket. And I used to always sleep in underwear so it was easy for him to stick his fingers in down there and do whatever he wanted. I stopped sleeping half naked I started sleeping fully clothed never with my back turned away from the wall so no one could ever touch me again. Then one day it all finally truly stopped and I felt alright never again was I okay or did I feel safe in that house I never felt like i had big brothers who would always love an protect me because I now needed protection form them. This is the end of this story onto the next.
The second story is actually about my mother and father hurting me it's gonna be cut pretty short. It started when I was 10 the first time my mother truly hurt me. And yes I understand the difference between spanking and abuse which spanking is legal okay. She was abusing me then, sure maybe not on purpose but she was. She spanked me for the first time and she didn't stop this time at 10 no she kept going until my butt was purple cuz she wanted me butt naked no pants and I couldn't feel my butt anymore. She kept going even though I finally said sorry for wandering off. She just wanted me to say sorry I finally said it after number 45, but she kept going I couldn't sit for a good 3 weeks but she put vinegar on it and said I was fine I was just being punished for misbehaving. And it all truly started after that. my siblings threw things at me or hit me with objects just because I somehow pissed them off. I have had so many stitches on my head from my siblings it's crazy. I was hit in the face by my own shoe rack by my brother and got at least 7 stitches and I still have a scar and it's swollen from all the scar tissue build up. My mother always told me it was my fault for misbehaving and I was just being punished and somewhere down the line I blamed myself. later on in life though I learned it was the stress my parents were causing them by giving them so many responsibilities that our parents should have had to shoulder but put onto their kids shoulders instead. But then I was hit in the head twice the back and top of my head by my two youngest siblings with toy trucks. Then by my second oldest sister she hit me over the head with a stick a very thick one at that. Then by the same brother I was hit by a broken hanger which just so happened to hit my head and make me bleed. I was hit on the face by my brother with a walking stick cuz we were fighting over it and he wanted it too. I busted my lip it got so badly swollen it wasn't even funny. Then it all started with my dad. He started spanking me, but in an abusive way. He would use serving silverware, walking sticks, bamboo, hangers, back scratchers, and even books and a small metal pole we had. He would beat my butt, back of my thighs, my bare feet, my lower back and even my arms. He would tell me I was just being punished and that he still loved me as if I had done something that would make him stop loving me. Then he started making me give him my bear butt and spank me more than 50 hits where ever he managed to hit me it didn't matter anymore. I started to think everything was my fault and that if I behaved, if I became soft, if I listened and did what I was told no matter what it was then I wouldn't be hurt as much. But my mother oh boy if you even looked at her the same way or she didn't like how you were looking or or how you were making any noise she did not like she'd ask you to come forward slap you hard as a motherfucker without warning and I started flinching even more after that soon enough I started showing signs of PTSD and I was having panic attacks and I couldn't sleep anymore trouble staying asleep and falling asleep I started having depressive episodes an I started cutting to make all the pain and confusion I felt inside go away. Well this is the end of this story now onto the next.
This is about school, and the special needs asshole who was just a little slow assaulted me. I was skipping classes in my 9th grade year because of bullies. I think I actually skipped half of my 9th grade school year if I'm honest always hiding out in the gym. But one day I was skipping class last period on november 9th 2019. I was skipping in the corner of the hallway cuz their was a broken desk their for me to sit at, and no cameras so i wouldn't get into trouble if only I knew those cameras never worked in the first place. But he came there saw me we started talking about school and classes, then he started kissing me, groping me sticking his hands in my shirt and you could say I was basically groomed by my brothers and I became somewhat obedient. But I started feeling scared and disgusted with myself I tried to push his hands away but I felt frozen and so weak. But thank god a teacher called him out he looked up quickly and said he'd be back. But thankfully for me the bell rang for the end of school 20mins after he left. It took me three day's before i reported him to the school because I was scared. But I told the school they reported it and then I just went on with my life sorta. But he would always follow me around during lunch and turns out he was trying to apologize for what he did because the school told him that was all he had to do to fix this. So clearly I don't mater as much as the school said huh, cuz while I was telling them what happened I was struggling through a panic attack. But guess that didn't matter now did it. But anyways end of this story time for the last one.
I had tried to end my life multiple times for the past 7 years now and I've only been admitted for the three attempts I had last year oct 30th, april 15th, and may 13th. In the hospital I was admitted to against my will in april it was called ridgeview located in monroe georgia, I was there for a whole month of april and some of may because they were dealing with defax which was investigating my family. But while i was in ridgeview I kinda fell for one of the other patients their his name was andrew he was 21 I think. I was nervous and scared when he asked me to have sex with him, I just kept telling him how I was a virgin and that I was nervous and scared god if only I had screamed right then and there that I didn't really wanna do it and that I was freaking out and was scared and felt disgusted just with him even asking. But he took me to his room while everyone else was distracted with snack time. He told me to get undressed, then he got undressed he started to try to kiss me but I didn't know how and I felt disgusted but then he started kissing down my neck and I pulled away discreetly but I think he noticed cuz then he said how do you wanna do this and I responded quickly. He then sat down on the toilet in his bathroom asked me to get on his lap and he proceeded to hold my hips and have me go up and down on him. I was shaking so badly I could barley stand and my heart was pounding so fast and so loudly that I didn't really notice when the nurses were looking for me till after he had cum in me but while he was holding my body up for me cuz I was struggling to he told me how beautiful I was and how he would never hurt me how he didn't wanna hurt me. But the nurses found out did nothing didn't report it told me not to, and they even said it was fine. But a few days after what had taken place I heard the other patients talking about what me and andrew did, and they told me he said I begged him to fuck me, how I said his thing was so big, and how I was so beautiful and sexy and had a nice body and so on. And it just hurt me so much cuz sure I liked him a lot but he used me I knew that and yet it took this for me to truly believe and accept that fact. so I guess you could say I'm broken, I just can't look at men the same anymore I'm to afraid of being used, being hurt, being left behind, being judged, being showed off like a trophy and being tossed aside for someone better.
So basically I just need some answers, do you guys think I'll truly ever recover because just writing this I wanna fucking die but I can't because that asshole got me pregnant even though I lost the baby 3months in I promised myself I'd try to live I'd keep going but damn I just don't know if I can anymore that baby was everything to me I'd already lost a friend to suicide, a brother to suicide and grand parents and great grandmother to death and a best friend to suicide both in 8th grade and a few months back I just can't take anymore. Do you guys think I'll ever be able to get past this, that i"ll be able to love someone and let them love me back and have more kids because i'm unsure.
