Final Thoughts and Goodbye - SN

[Buddha.e.c]

I want to stay weather you stay or go , your a really nice person its sad to see you leave :( but alot of us our in pain and i understand and relate wish you the best of luck ...

 

[Rational man]

Safe journey Sea Turtle. May your inner ocean be a peaceful one.

 

[Sea Turtle]

Thank you all as always for the kind kind words. Hugs to all

Made use of my newfound time and had some amazing cheesecake. Going to nap for a bit and barring some crazy revelation when I wake up I hope to go through with the plan in approx. (7-8 hours?). Hope you all have the most amazing day/night possible!

 

[halcyon]

update us.. i hope you're feeling okay, we're here for you no matter what <3

 

[Sea Turtle]

Awake now. Slightly terrifying thought that that's all it'll be, merely falling asleep pulled into the void. Except next time, there will be no waking up. I'm certain of my decision but I suppose this is what people call SI. I've never experienced the true extent of this until now. I intend to go through with the plan in approx. 3-4 hours.

Much love as always to all

 

[halcyon]

Awake now. Slightly terrifying thought that that's all it'll be, merely falling asleep pulled into the void. Except next time, there will be no waking up. I'm certain of my decision but I suppose this is what people call SI. I've never experienced the true extent of this until now. I intend to go through with the plan in approx. 3-4 hours.

Much love as always to all

We're here for you no matter what you choose

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I'll be asleep by the time you leave, OP, but you're in my thoughts. <3

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I suppose this is a bit cliché but I'd like to open this by giving a heartfelt thank you to everyone on this site. From mods and admins for keeping this site up and running, to the countless members who make this community the place it is. Thank you, dearly

Without the people here, I would have never found such a safe place to be myself, and to truly be open with my thoughts and feelings and begin to process past experiences and traumas. Although this may be a door to recovery for some, I have reached the conclusion for myself that enough is enough, and decided to CTB.

Some of you may have seen my post recently regarding seeking an observer, and I regret that it will be unable to come to fruition as there has not been anywhere near sufficient time to iron out the details. Regardless, I ask for forgiveness and will try my best to document my plan, though I will not be providing many updates after the consumption of SN with hopes that I will prevent anyone from discovering this site should I pass out before I am able to close it.

I'm not going to go much into my reasoning, though they are scattered throughout my posts. I would just like to say that everyone here is valid in their feelings, experiences, and decisions, and I sincerely the best to all, and that you find peace in whichever path you take, be it CTB, recovery, or somewhere in between.

---

Tooooo the fun part!

My experience ordering SN from IC: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/my-sn-from-ic-has-arrived.85944/
Blood test of SN: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/my-sn-from-ic-has-arrived.85944/post-1537955

I plan on consuming the SN in approximately 12 hours, give or take depending on when my family will be leaving the house. I expect they will be gone at least 3-3.5 hours after consumption, though I could wait late tonight/early morning tomorrow for a full 6+ hours. However, I will be able to be in the comfort of my own bed only if I take it this afternoon, which is why I am leaning towards the former.

I have eaten my last meal (Amazing Poke bowl and a slice of cheesecake at ~12am, approx 4 hours prior to this post) and will fast in preparation.

I have prepared three cups of SN, the main one containing 20g of SN, and the two backups containing 10g each. I had planned to put 15g into each backup cup, however it seems the package only contained 40g, not the advertised 50g. I am considering condensing the two backup cups into one with 20g. I weigh approximately 120lbs, or 54 kg.

Spoiler: SN Cups Image

View attachment 88798

I have a measuring "cup" reading 60mL, and will mix in the required water closer to when I will consume it.

I do not have an antiemetic (AE), but I do acknowledge that the risk for failure will be greater without it. Unfortunately the current conflict in Ukraine cut off my source of meto.

T - 1 hour : I will take the recommended dose of Advil
T - 30 minutes : I will take double the recommended dose of Tums (antiacid), and mix the water into all three cups
T (around 3pm?) : I will consume the cup with 20g SN and 50mL water, only resorting to a backup cup should I vomit. I have a wonderful Lindt dark chocolate ball to help with the aftertaste.

---

Open to any comments, questions, concerns, or anything!

Thanks again for being here for me, and for each other. Wish you love and peace forever,
-ST

Your posts were helpful

 

[sleepyghost]

Sending love and comfort to you.
Whatever you decide- we're here for you

 

[Anónimo]

R.I.P

 

[Foresight]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts over this day. It's a very touching read.

I wish you nothing but comfort whatever happens tonight.

 

[Sea Turtle]

Started the water fast, painkillers in a hour, SN in two!

 

[_Seeking]

I hope you find the peace you deserve. I have enjoyed your posts and you will be missed.

 

[Sea Turtle]

Setting up taking little longer then expected. Making the basement as cozy as possible :). Still have to give my cat a kiss goodbye. Heart is racing a bit now, just anxiety I guess. It's all so real now but I know that's the emotions running wild. It'll be over soon

 

[Bedrock48]

Sad to see you go but I understand why, I'm sorry life brought such an amazing amd caring sounding person to this decision. All the best whatever you decide love. Xx

 

[Sea Turtle]

Some random thoughts on mentally preparing and overcoming SI

My main thing has always been, if you wish to overcome, you must understand and find logic in your decisions. After years of pondering this very topic, I had reached as much peace with death and nothingness as a living, conscious being could. However, I don't believe it's possible to fully understand or conceptualize death or nothingness being a living, sentient being. I believe that suicide driven purely by emotional impulse is opening the door to failure or issues, and many of these emotions shift, ebb, and flow as hours or days go on. I believe suicide can be logical, and that it is a logical choice. And for me, I've reached that point, as much as possible. Even now, as it's all becoming so real, some emotions flare up and I believe this is what SI is. But I know, deep down, logically, this is my path. And I have peace with that decision

 

[CassieHoward]

I'm glad you've settled on a decision that will bring you peace. I wish you all the best!

 

[Sea Turtle]

Advil down with a small sip of water. Double dose tums in 30.

As of this point, have (food) fasted for seven hours and liquid fasted for one.

Chose to combine my (2x 10g) backup cups into one 20g. Now have a main 20g and backup 20g. Will mix soon. 50mL is so little water? Doubting it'll dissolve it all. We will see.

 

[Huntfish34]

Wishing you Nothing but the best,. Thoughts and prayers always

 

[Sea Turtle]

Surprising. Most dissolved in less then 2 minutes of mixing. Still some white particulates though

 

[downsolong]

it was comforting, for my brief time, to have you here. i hope your journey is peaceful and fulfilling.

 

[Sea Turtle]

View attachment 88832Surprising. Most dissolved in less then 2 minutes of mixing. Still some white particulates though

All dissolved now.
Solution is milky white upon adding water (room temperature[maybe even a little colder then normal room temp], ~ 50-60mL)
Upon stirring for ~ 1 minute and halting for ~ 1 minute it clears up. Looks like normal water and all dissolved! Went better then I thought it would.

Took the liberty of tasting a drop on the chopstick. Can confirm do not recommend, it's terrible. It's not even just… salty? It has a taste I can't quite place. Like what I would imagine salty sewer water tastes like. At least 60mL is only like, one shots worth. One gulp :).
Glad I have the chocolate to clear the taste though. I hope I don't vomit. I hate vomiting in general. I hope I will have the will to consume the second cup should I vomit.
T- 45mins

 

[VoidDesirer22]

View attachment 88832Surprising. Most dissolved in less then 2 minutes of mixing. Still some white particulates though

Glad I caught this thread while you're still with us. I send absolute love and you were a good presence to have around here.

I wish you eternal peace from the torture of consciousness if you decide to still go through with it. *Hugs*

 

[Sea Turtle]

I have been quietly following and sending prayers. Today was supposed to be my day, but I am not prepared as I wanted to be. I hope to have your presence of mind and composure when my time comes. I am keeping you in the light, no matter your ultimate choice.

Much love, Sea Turtle

Thank you and I hope you find the closure and peace you're seeking regardless of the path you take. Much love as well

 

[halcyon]

wishing u peace and love <3

 

[lunarflower]

Wishing you true peace and much love on your journey. ❤

 

[Sea Turtle]

It is time.

I bid you all eternal happiness, peace, and love.

This will be my last post as I don't want to have this site open for others to easily discover.

I don't expect to be saved, but who knows with the chance of vomiting. I should be alone for at least 8 hours which should be more then sufficient.

Should I never return, assume I succeeded.

I hope my documentation has been of great help, and I wish all who may be reading this in the future the best.

Final thoughts: One can never truly conceptualize death and nothingness until they face death itself. I thought I had prepared sufficiently, but still there is a shred of fear of not being here. I know it's illogical, and I know my decision based on logic stands, but my heart goes out to those who are able to CTB or those who choose recovery. Life is a perilous journey. Be proud of where you are, regardless of anything else. I wait for the eternal ocean of nothingness to greet my mortal body. I only pray there is nothing after death. If there is nothing, all my fears and concerns will be gone. A person is gone once they leave. They speak no more, walk no more, think no more, hold no more connections. That is a scary concept indeed. But it is my choice over the known pain and suffering of life and consciousness.

Godspeed

 

[CassieHoward]

It is time.

I bid you all eternal happiness, peace, and love.

This will be my last post as I don't want to have this site open for others to easily discover.

I don't expect to be saved, but who knows with the chance of vomiting. I should be alone for at least 8 hours which should be more then sufficient.

Should I never return, assume I succeeded.

I hope my documentation has been of great help, and I wish all who may be reading this in the future the best.

Final thoughts: One can never truly conceptualize death and nothingness until they face death itself. I thought I had prepared sufficiently, but still there is a shred of fear of not being here. I know it's illogical, and I know my decision based on logic stands, but my heart goes out to those who are able to CTB or those who choose recovery. Life is a perilous journey. Be proud of where you are, regardless of anything else. I wait for the eternal ocean of nothingness to greet my mortal body. I only pray there is nothing after death. If there is nothing, all my fears and concerns will be gone. A person is gone once they leave. They speak no more, walk no more, think no more, hold no more connections. That is a scary concept indeed. But it is my choice over the known pain and suffering of life and consciousness.

Godspeed

You will be sorely missed. All the best to you.

<3

 

[sleepyghost]

until we meet again

 

[halcyon]

It is time.

I bid you all eternal happiness, peace, and love.

This will be my last post as I don't want to have this site open for others to easily discover.

I don't expect to be saved, but who knows with the chance of vomiting. I should be alone for at least 8 hours which should be more then sufficient.

Should I never return, assume I succeeded.

I hope my documentation has been of great help, and I wish all who may be reading this in the future the best.

Final thoughts: One can never truly conceptualize death and nothingness until they face death itself. I thought I had prepared sufficiently, but still there is a shred of fear of not being here. I know it's illogical, and I know my decision based on logic stands, but my heart goes out to those who are able to CTB or those who choose recovery. Life is a perilous journey. Be proud of where you are, regardless of anything else. I wait for the eternal ocean of nothingness to greet my mortal body. I only pray there is nothing after death. If there is nothing, all my fears and concerns will be gone. A person is gone once they leave. They speak no more, walk no more, think no more, hold no more connections. That is a scary concept indeed. But it is my choice over the known pain and suffering of life and consciousness.

Godspeed

godspeed, goodbye.