BecomingTired
Member
- Feb 23, 2024
- 10
Whenever I realise I ate too much even if it's under my calorie deficit, it genuinely makes me wanna gag and vomit the food out. It just reminds me of when I was bullied while being skinny fat with a lot of the fat going to my face for multiple years at a very young age and makes me feel anxious for the rest of the day, I still want to cut down more so it just feels like I'm only delaying any chances of me being at my ideal bodyweight, which is admittedly not good for my height; it genuinely heavily destroys the rest of my day to the point that I would binge eat if it was a particularly bad week, which only leads me down to an even more depressed spiral of self-hatred.
I'm so tired at myself for being like this, I used to eat around 900 calories a day and inconsistent fasting when I didn't wanna eat for a few days. I was only stopped by my parents and forced to eat higher calorie meals (which only lead me to become fatter again, not as fat as before but still) after I collapsed at college due to low blood sugar, I only managed to convinced them to continue letting me cut if I were to progress much slower by eating in a higher calorie deficit; yet now that I look back, the funniest thing is that people genuinely gave attention to me and there was a few who actually liked me romantically despite my moody and sad attitude.
They all suddenly disappeared as soon as I gained a bit of pounds back.
Worst thing is that I felt genuinely happy when I wasn't eating that well - as shallow as it seems, it was "empowering" knowing I was becoming leaner facially by the day, and that I was considered underweight but still looking relatively good. I just want to go back to that feeling more than everything else.
I already know I sound like a shallow person who's only obsessed with my looks, because I am.
I'm so tired at myself for being like this, I used to eat around 900 calories a day and inconsistent fasting when I didn't wanna eat for a few days. I was only stopped by my parents and forced to eat higher calorie meals (which only lead me to become fatter again, not as fat as before but still) after I collapsed at college due to low blood sugar, I only managed to convinced them to continue letting me cut if I were to progress much slower by eating in a higher calorie deficit; yet now that I look back, the funniest thing is that people genuinely gave attention to me and there was a few who actually liked me romantically despite my moody and sad attitude.
They all suddenly disappeared as soon as I gained a bit of pounds back.
Worst thing is that I felt genuinely happy when I wasn't eating that well - as shallow as it seems, it was "empowering" knowing I was becoming leaner facially by the day, and that I was considered underweight but still looking relatively good. I just want to go back to that feeling more than everything else.
I already know I sound like a shallow person who's only obsessed with my looks, because I am.
