BitterlyAlive
---
- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,636
This isn't another one of my posts panicking because I have urges to do something impulsive.
I've been feeling worse and worse as this month has gone on. Depression has really been fucking me up. I'm getting more exhausted, dysphoric. I feel like I'm on the verge of finally giving up and letting it have its way with me.
I was talking with my therapist yesterday about when my next appointment would be. We're going a few weeks out. As I was writing down the date of the appointment, I had the strongest feeling that I won't be around for it.
Usually I think things like "Man, I hope I'm dead by that date", but this...this was different. This feels like when I was planning my suicide earlier this year. It has the same sense of calm and finality.
I had a fight with my dad again this morning, both of my parents have really gotten on my nerves today, but I still love them. Yet imagining their reaction to my death isn't really holding me back. It's more like "Yeah, it'll suck, but I'm tired of suffering and they'll eventually move on"
I can't think of anything that's triggered this. It's just been building up. I'm not going to do anything impulsive, and should I get to that point... I'll let you guys know.
For now I need to focus on not being hospitalized. I think my mom is growing suspicious, and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow that could take a nasty turn if I'm not careful. I'm starting to worry that people are sniffing it on me already.
I've been feeling worse and worse as this month has gone on. Depression has really been fucking me up. I'm getting more exhausted, dysphoric. I feel like I'm on the verge of finally giving up and letting it have its way with me.
I was talking with my therapist yesterday about when my next appointment would be. We're going a few weeks out. As I was writing down the date of the appointment, I had the strongest feeling that I won't be around for it.
Usually I think things like "Man, I hope I'm dead by that date", but this...this was different. This feels like when I was planning my suicide earlier this year. It has the same sense of calm and finality.
I had a fight with my dad again this morning, both of my parents have really gotten on my nerves today, but I still love them. Yet imagining their reaction to my death isn't really holding me back. It's more like "Yeah, it'll suck, but I'm tired of suffering and they'll eventually move on"
I can't think of anything that's triggered this. It's just been building up. I'm not going to do anything impulsive, and should I get to that point... I'll let you guys know.
For now I need to focus on not being hospitalized. I think my mom is growing suspicious, and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow that could take a nasty turn if I'm not careful. I'm starting to worry that people are sniffing it on me already.