IndestinctPlace
Letdown
- Feb 28, 2024
- 2
You know....I want to be able to pass on more confidently and peacefully (by this I mean not feeling like I'm doing something wrong) without such a heavy ball and chain. Between the guilt and shame of wanting to leave and the constant affairs to be ordered (especially after kids have been had), sometimes I have a hard time holding out. Why does it have to be "tragic"? I wish it didn't matter how I died, just for it to be ceremonious in a positive way. There is no particular reason why I'm leaving, I certainly got the better end of the stick in many ways. Life is tough, I get it, but my impact is minimal and I've made my mark. I feel incapable, my health has been declining since 5th grade, I've also been suicidal and generally extreme low moods since then. And I suck at life, like everything, I'm convinced I would not survive long or well during any other time period including this one. Yeah, I'll say it, I tried. Several types of therapies and psychiatrics over 7 years, meds, psychedelics, spirituality, hobbies/friends/family, "doing me", pure raw dogging life until I get something right, blah blablaah. I have a constant, and it is a loud, smothering call to non existence.
Anyways, I've begun isolating, no friends, minimal contact with fam, I tried convincing my partner to leave me tonight but it just went in a big circle. Which is frustrating because I know his experience with this kind of stuff is different than mine and he doesn't quite get it, which just makes him angry when I try to talk about it. I honestly think he's just staying with me because he's scared I'll commit dead of he leaves because things have not been going well at all lol. At some point I told him that it's gonna happen either way, and that he'll never know when and he should just leave. I genuinely think he's got way better things going for him, ya know? Between all of the turmoil that happens between us, I just see a better life for him and my child without my added complication. So...that's a work in progress. I need to make my mom my childs god parent, rewrite a new gifts and wishes list because I lost my original, ensure my child has Medicaid and is properly signed up for school, and clean my house so they have a clean slate, which might be my biggest hurtle
(depression ami right?). Oh, and I also need to make sure to find somebody who knows fish and can transport and house my tank, because I worked to damn hard and theyre doing to damn well to let it go to waste.
After that, I've made plans for partial hanging, and I have a plan B but it's a little heinous and im not sure if it would be appropriate for this setting. No actual date because I'm barely hanging on to begin with, just point A to point B as fast as I can.
I feel relieved as long as I don't think of my mom
but in the case my brain does switch up, I feel confident in my plan B.
Anyways, I've begun isolating, no friends, minimal contact with fam, I tried convincing my partner to leave me tonight but it just went in a big circle. Which is frustrating because I know his experience with this kind of stuff is different than mine and he doesn't quite get it, which just makes him angry when I try to talk about it. I honestly think he's just staying with me because he's scared I'll commit dead of he leaves because things have not been going well at all lol. At some point I told him that it's gonna happen either way, and that he'll never know when and he should just leave. I genuinely think he's got way better things going for him, ya know? Between all of the turmoil that happens between us, I just see a better life for him and my child without my added complication. So...that's a work in progress. I need to make my mom my childs god parent, rewrite a new gifts and wishes list because I lost my original, ensure my child has Medicaid and is properly signed up for school, and clean my house so they have a clean slate, which might be my biggest hurtle
(depression ami right?). Oh, and I also need to make sure to find somebody who knows fish and can transport and house my tank, because I worked to damn hard and theyre doing to damn well to let it go to waste. After that, I've made plans for partial hanging, and I have a plan B but it's a little heinous and im not sure if it would be appropriate for this setting. No actual date because I'm barely hanging on to begin with, just point A to point B as fast as I can.
I feel relieved as long as I don't think of my mom
but in the case my brain does switch up, I feel confident in my plan B.
