Feeling like my father is partly responsible for sisters' death, struggling to cope

[disillusionment]

When I was about 9 years old, my older sister accused my father of raping her and getting her addicted to drugs. The police were involved, no evidence was found and my father did a lie detector test and passed. I continued living with my father but my sister had moved out. The worst is my reaction when my sister told me our father raped her. I said I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe it, didnt want to believe it. That phone call plays over and over in my mind.

My sister died last month from an accidental drug overdose. She took heroin and it had fentanyl in it.

I can't help feeling like this is partly my fathers fault if he really did what she accused him of. If he really did give her drugs and rape her. Everyone says, it was her own choice to do drugs. But, if she was given them as a young kid/ teen, if she was raped, and got addicted to drugs, is it really a choice? When my father heard that she died, he didn't cry and his reaction was so fake to me. Like he was pretending to be sad.

Growing up with my father messed me up mentally, emotionally, and I wasn't even raped. I lived in fear of him, always wondering if I would be raped. He abused me verbally, emotionally. I don't remember anything happening except I remember he would wrestle with me and put his hand over my mouth. Another time I remember he got really mad because I wiped my mouth after he kissed me on the mouth. I also remember weird sexual things he'd say to me, weird comments and innuendo that disturbed me. As a teen I ran away to be with the mother who abandoned me, to get away from the father I feared. And it just messed my life up even more. I feel unlovable deep down because my parents are both unable to love me and be good parents. Like, if my parents are bad people who can't love me, am I a bad person too? That's how I feel deep inside, ashamed and unlovable. Thats why I keep getting into toxic relationships I guess.

I'm now completely messed up. I'm incapable of love and I have so much sexual trauma to the point where I'm pretty much asexual and sex repulsed. I can't connect to other people and have relationships. I feel completely broken inside, my mindset is messed up etc.

My stepmom says I'm too negative and if I don't like my life I should just change it. If It was so easy to change your life, wouldn't I have done it by now? I can't figure out how to possibly do that. People need to have a reason to live, to get better. I have no purpose, no reason to live for. Nothing to look forward to. Being told I just need to think positively doesn't help.

I wish I had a method but I don't. I kept thinking fentanyl. Don't know how to get it.

Anyone else with a similar family dynamic or in a similar situation? I feel utterly alone.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Just reading your story makes my gut churn. My parents were also abusive. They would beat me so badly I could barely move. Instead of taking me to the hospital they told me to repent and pray to be healed. They were religious nutjobs.

Currently I am buried in medical debt trying to fix my health problems that was caused by them. Life is so fucking cruel. You and your sister did not deserve to be treated like shit. People will never understand if they never went through the same trauma. This is the only place that I ever felt understood. It just sucks we had to meet under these circumstances.

 

[motel rooms]

Anyone else with a similar family dynamic or in a similar situation? I feel utterly alone.

You're definitely not the only one in a similar situation. My father was a child molester...

The worst is my reaction when my sister told me our father raped her. I said I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe it, didnt want to believe it. That phone call plays over and over in my mind.

You were 9. No child would want to believe such a thing about their father, you can't blame yourself for your 9-year-old self's reaction...

 

[disillusionment]

I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Just reading your story makes my gut churn. My parents were also abusive. They would beat me so badly I could barely move. Instead of taking me to the hospital they told me to repent and pray to be healed. They were religious nutjobs.

Currently I am buried in medical debt trying to fix my health problems that was caused by them. Life is so fucking cruel. You and your sister did not deserve to be treated like shit. People will never understand if they never went through the same trauma. This is the only place that I ever felt understood. It just sucks we had to meet under these circumstances.

I'm sorry you went through that. That is horrible. Some people should never be parents. This is also the only place I feel understood which sucks.

You're definitely not the only one in a similar situation. My father was a child molester...



You were 9. No child would want to believe such a thing about their father, you can't blame yourself for your 9-year-old self's reaction...

I'm so sorry about your father.

Logically I know, that I shouldnt blame myself for how I reacted as a 9 year old, but I still feel guilty over that. I did tell her years later that I was sorry for not believing her.

 

[motel rooms]

Logically I know, that I shouldnt blame myself for how I reacted as a 9 year old, but I still feel guilty over that. I did tell her years later that I was sorry for not believing her.

I'm sure she understood that you were simply unable to process something as horrible as the idea that she was raped by your father when you were only 9

 

[disillusionment]

I'm sure she understood that you were simply unable to process something as horrible as the idea that she was raped by your father when you were only 9

I hope she understood. I remember saying something really snotty to her one day related to what she accused our father of and she looked so hurt. I had a bad dream about it the other day

 

[disillusionment]

I wish I knew how to get fentanyl

The worst is that the one person who I thought actually gets me, telling me to just get over it and let it go and being all condescending about it. Depression is not a choice its not something you just choose to let go. My sister is fucking dead bc my father raped her and gave her drugs. But "Just let it go." I've been through so much trauma and have nothing to live for but Im supposed to just "let it go"

 

[LittleJem]

I'm so sorry for your suffering and the evil and trauma you and your sister endured. It's not your fault. I hope she is resting in peace now.

 

[disillusionment]

I'm so sorry for your suffering and the evil and trauma you and your sister endured. It's not your fault. I hope she is resting in peace now.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope she is in a much better place now.

 

[eryu]

From your description of your father, even if he did not rape he then he surely still harmed her very badly.
But he really does sound like the sort of person who would rape and who could fool a lie detector.

 

[disillusionment]

From your description of your father, even if he did not rape he then he surely still harmed her very badly.
But he really does sound like the sort of person who would rape and who could fool a lie detector.

It's so hard to think if him as that sort of person. Like, he's the same father who I have some fond memories with (not a lot but some) and the person who took care of me growing up. So it's so hard for me to accept.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

When I was about 9 years old, my older sister accused my father of raping her and getting her addicted to drugs. The police were involved, no evidence was found and my father did a lie detector test and passed. I continued living with my father but my sister had moved out. The worst is my reaction when my sister told me our father raped her. I said I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe it, didnt want to believe it. That phone call plays over and over in my mind.

My sister died last month from an accidental drug overdose. She took heroin and it had fentanyl in it.

I can't help feeling like this is partly my fathers fault if he really did what she accused him of. If he really did give her drugs and rape her. Everyone says, it was her own choice to do drugs. But, if she was given them as a young kid/ teen, if she was raped, and got addicted to drugs, is it really a choice? When my father heard that she died, he didn't cry and his reaction was so fake to me. Like he was pretending to be sad.

Growing up with my father messed me up mentally, emotionally, and I wasn't even raped. I lived in fear of him, always wondering if I would be raped. He abused me verbally, emotionally. I don't remember anything happening except I remember he would wrestle with me and put his hand over my mouth. Another time I remember he got really mad because I wiped my mouth after he kissed me on the mouth. I also remember weird sexual things he'd say to me, weird comments and innuendo that disturbed me. As a teen I ran away to be with the mother who abandoned me, to get away from the father I feared. And it just messed my life up even more. I feel unlovable deep down because my parents are both unable to love me and be good parents. Like, if my parents are bad people who can't love me, am I a bad person too? That's how I feel deep inside, ashamed and unlovable. Thats why I keep getting into toxic relationships I guess.

I'm now completely messed up. I'm incapable of love and I have so much sexual trauma to the point where I'm pretty much asexual and sex repulsed. I can't connect to other people and have relationships. I feel completely broken inside, my mindset is messed up etc.

My stepmom says I'm too negative and if I don't like my life I should just change it. If It was so easy to change your life, wouldn't I have done it by now? I can't figure out how to possibly do that. People need to have a reason to live, to get better. I have no purpose, no reason to live for. Nothing to look forward to. Being told I just need to think positively doesn't help.

I wish I had a method but I don't. I kept thinking fentanyl. Don't know how to get it.

Anyone else with a similar family dynamic or in a similar situation? I feel utterly alone.

Based on what you say sounds to me like your father definitely did it .

Your step mom is most likely gaslighting you because she wants you dead so she can get his money.