feeling like i dont deserve to ctb

[h4ppyhypoxia]

the past few days havent been as bad on me mentally the days are still long and drawn out, and i still experience a high extent of negative emotions, but it feels.. manageable? im not even sure why, the past year has been so rough, but it feels like a switch was flipped, i noticed this change the second i found the sn source that a majority of people are finding right now, and also ive resolved potential issues i might have around obtaining a nitrogen cylinder, i cant tell whether this is unconscious relief at the fact things may end, or whether its genuine calm and improvement in my mental state? whenever im not suffering extremely 24/7 i feel like i dont deserve to ctb as its not a valid decision because i still have some capacity to tolerate my life, but still, this is not the life i would choose if i had the option

i genuinely dont know what to do, im very attached to my plan, i could theoretically stay longer to test things, but that terrifies me, i dont want to carry on like this, and life scares me to its core where id choose non existence over even one of the happiest possible lives, i just feel horrible and guilty, i feel like if im not suffering horribly mentally 24/7 without a break then i dont deserve to do this as other peoples grief will outweigh my sadness, anyone else feel similar?

last night i was so set on it and desperate to ctb and my life feels like just living in limbo trying to get through each day i dont want to live like that but maybe i can? idk i just feel like i dont deserve to ctb if im not in 24/7 extreme mental suffering anymore

i just wish there was a way to just "opt out" where i could just stop, or if i could go back in time and prevent myself being born, then i wouldnt have to spend every day fluctuating between being sure and questioning this

 

[ctb_warrior]

the past few days havent been as bad on me mentally the days are still long and drawn out, and i still experience a high extent of negative emotions, but it feels.. manageable? im not even sure why, the past year has been so rough, but it feels like a switch was flipped, i noticed this change the second i found the sn source that a majority of people are finding right now, and also ive resolved potential issues i might have around obtaining a nitrogen cylinder, i cant tell whether this is unconscious relief at the fact things may end, or whether its genuine calm and improvement in my mental state? whenever im not suffering extremely 24/7 i feel like i dont deserve to ctb as its not a valid decision because i still have some capacity to tolerate my life, but still, this is not the life i would choose if i had the option

i genuinely dont know what to do, im very attached to my plan, i could theoretically stay longer to test things, but that terrifies me, i dont want to carry on like this, and life scares me to its core where id choose non existence over even one of the happiest possible lives, i just feel horrible and guilty, i feel like if im not suffering horribly mentally 24/7 without a break then i dont deserve to do this as other peoples grief will outweigh my sadness, anyone else feel similar?

last night i was so set on it and desperate to ctb and my life feels like just living in limbo trying to get through each day i dont want to live like that but maybe i can? idk i just feel like i dont deserve to ctb if im not in 24/7 extreme mental suffering anymore

i just wish there was a way to just "opt out" where i could just stop, or if i could go back in time and prevent myself being born, then i wouldnt have to spend every day fluctuating between being sure and questioning this

I think it's a message from your unconscious that wants you to continue and give life a chance. Specially when you've access to stuff, you can always go back to CTB.
Besides, yes, I too wish I could also prevent myself from being born. It would have saved 36 years of investment of my parents, and my own 36 years of suffering

the past few days havent been as bad on me mentally the days are still long and drawn out, and i still experience a high extent of negative emotions, but it feels.. manageable? im not even sure why, the past year has been so rough, but it feels like a switch was flipped, i noticed this change the second i found the sn source that a majority of people are finding right now, and also ive resolved potential issues i might have around obtaining a nitrogen cylinder, i cant tell whether this is unconscious relief at the fact things may end, or whether its genuine calm and improvement in my mental state? whenever im not suffering extremely 24/7 i feel like i dont deserve to ctb as its not a valid decision because i still have some capacity to tolerate my life, but still, this is not the life i would choose if i had the option

i genuinely dont know what to do, im very attached to my plan, i could theoretically stay longer to test things, but that terrifies me, i dont want to carry on like this, and life scares me to its core where id choose non existence over even one of the happiest possible lives, i just feel horrible and guilty, i feel like if im not suffering horribly mentally 24/7 without a break then i dont deserve to do this as other peoples grief will outweigh my sadness, anyone else feel similar?

last night i was so set on it and desperate to ctb and my life feels like just living in limbo trying to get through each day i dont want to live like that but maybe i can? idk i just feel like i dont deserve to ctb if im not in 24/7 extreme mental suffering anymore

i just wish there was a way to just "opt out" where i could just stop, or if i could go back in time and prevent myself being born, then i wouldnt have to spend every day fluctuating between being sure and questioning this

When I had procured 40 strips of ativan and i thought that'll be enough, i got more confident in life, because i had nothing to lose. I had everything to gain. So, i was living life in a better way.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

I think it's a message from your unconscious that wants you to continue and give life a chance. Specially when you've access to stuff, you can always go back to CTB.
Besides, yes, I too wish I could also prevent myself from being born. It would have saved 36 years of investment of my parents, and my own 36 years of suffering

When I had procured 40 strips of ativan and i thought that'll be enough, i got more confident in life, because i had nothing to lose. I had everything to gain. So, i was living life in a better way.

thats true, i think a lot of it is a bit of survival instinct, i question it, but i always come to the same conclusion, the issue is that "bad" has become my baseline so i mistake feeling low and unmotivated as calm just because it isnt an intense powerful sense of anxiety or shame etc, i wish i could give it another shot but i think im getting too tired and i think i know whats best for me to do

 

[ctb_warrior]

thats true, i think a lot of it is a bit of survival instinct, i question it, but i always come to the same conclusion, the issue is that "bad" has become my baseline so i mistake feeling low and unmotivated as calm just because it isnt an intense powerful sense of anxiety or shame etc, i wish i could give it another shot but i think im getting too tired and i think i know whats best for me to do

Totally relatable. I know hell lot of techniques to improve life and get things back on track. I even know how to mind control people. But, I'm just too tired to do anything. Haven't got the strength to give it another shot. I like things when they flow naturally. I have bent reality many a times and I can even train others to do so. However, I'll still recommend, if you can give it another shot, do give it. Life has a lot to offer. I have come this far in life and no one can say that I'm a failure. My life at this moment is still something that a lot of people dream of.. It's just that it's far below my own expectations of my life

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

Totally relatable. I know hell lot of techniques to improve life and get things back on track. I even know how to mind control people. But, I'm just too tired to do anything. Haven't got the strength to give it another shot. I like things when they flow naturally. I have bent reality many a times and I can even train others to do so. However, I'll still recommend, if you can give it another shot, do give it. Life has a lot to offer. I have come this far in life and no one can say that I'm a failure. My life at this moment is still something that a lot of people dream of.. It's just that it's far below my own expectations of my life

im the same, ive tried to improve things, but i can only really "hold things up" for a few months then something crashes and all my progress is gone, im sick of that cycle, on the surface my life is good, im studying at a top university, ive got good friends, but i just have no passion or will to continue, with my mental illness stack i often get rejected from services because its "too complex" and rn im not allowed to do therapy after my last ctb attempt bc its too "high risk" the therapy that they think would benefit me the most has a 2 year waiting list, i dont have that in me, even if i did, it seems like the best prognosis for me would be a tolerable life, not something id choose to live, not something i have the strength to try and live anymore

 

[ctb_warrior]

im the same, ive tried to improve things, but i can only really "hold things up" for a few months then something crashes and all my progress is gone, im sick of that cycle, on the surface my life is good, im studying at a top university, ive got good friends, but i just have no passion or will to continue, with my mental illness stack i often get rejected from services because its "too complex" and rn im not allowed to do therapy after my last ctb attempt bc its too "high risk" the therapy that they think would benefit me the most has a 2 year waiting list, i dont have that in me, even if i did, it seems like the best prognosis for me would be a tolerable life, not something id choose to live, not something i have the strength to try and live anymore

I can feel you brother we are sailing in the same boat. You know, I never had clinical depression until 2023. I had given up on life in 2003. Ever since, i have been giving chances to life. And as you said cycle. I go up in life and then some moron enters in my life, gets jealous and spoils it for me. It hurts me, i get tired and I think of CTB and fail. It's like Live=>Get Hurt=>CTB=> Fail@CTB=>live