Feeling less suicidal because method is accessible?

[AnonymousS]

Just received mine. Shocked to have received it.
After having first batch taken.

Thought I was relieved. Sort of am bcuz if "need it", then it's there. But also sad and pressured by my own being, because I know if I get in a funk I will use it and it won't be any turning back this time. I feel doomed because it may be my destiny that I have carved out for my own life, making stupid decisions that I can't handle to results of.

Sad for family that won't understand and will be hurt for life from it.
I can't live with being a piece of crap, so if it comes to it, it's there. I just hope it's good enough to get the job done.

I have been downing the benzo doses and it's having a negative effect. I haven't been eating well and forcing myself to groom and bathe has been in itself a challenge. I don't know how much longer I will be around. Any kind of bad news and I'm going to have to check out. I hate it for the folks around me.

I do love.them and want to be around them. But not like I am now, not in my mental state where I'm not who I used to be. Not the person to them they once knew and I don't want to mess them up by my behavior or craziness. I am pushing them away and making some hate me by being crazy.

One of the worst aspects of a severe illness is what you describe regarding self-hygiene, and grooming etc. It's an awful feeling of pressure, when i used to do it without a second thought. My best solution is to try not to overthink it, and slowly at your own pace just start. I find it's easier to not talk myself out of it then.

 

[Sapphire]

The opposite is true for me. When my supplies arrived, I felt both relief and anxiety at the same time. Having the means to do it has made me more suicidal than I was before.

 

[BipolarExpress]

I've gone back and forth over the past month. On a good day, I feel better about living knowing that I can leave anytime; on bad days, I get closer and closer to doing the final deed. I was suicidal before the SN arrived, but I wasn't about to throw myself under a speeding train or jump into traffic, and I didn't know how to hang myself successfully. (If I didn't have SN, I would probably try hanging, as uncomfortable as it is.)