feeling guilty and regret

[dkrw]

suddenly I feel overwhelmed with shame and regret about feeling suicidal and wanting/planning to ctb

is it a sign that it is not the correct time?
or am I deluding myself again?

I keep daydreaming about another reality, in which my life is better or my problems can be fixed… but honestly death is the only real solution to my problems

 

[Blueth]

suddenly I feel overwhelmed with shame and regret about feeling suicidal and wanting/planning to ctb

is it a sign that it is not the correct time?
or am I deluding myself again?

I keep daydreaming about another reality, in which my life is better or my problems can be fixed… but honestly death is the only real solution to my problems

Even if the human mind knows the truth, it cannot help thinking of other possibilities.

Instead of thinking about the possibilities, I would like my mind to perceive my desire to die as an order and make death possible.

 

[dkrw]

Even if the human mind knows the truth, it cannot help thinking of other possibilities.

Instead of thinking about the possibilities, I would like my mind to perceive my desire to die as an order and make death possible.

yes I think you are right

SI must be really strong as it tricks me into thinking things could be different or death is not the answer.

I know the truth

 

[Blueth]

yes I think you are right

SI must be really strong as it tricks me into thinking things could be different or death is not the answer.

I know the truth

Me too, and unfortunately I don't have the luxury of waiting. I will have the SN soon. Of course, if the people at home don't see the cargo.
But I'm afraid. I don't know why I'm afraid either.

 

[fleetingnight]

Recently, I've been trying to think about random urges to try to recover or fix things as something I can do to pass the time, nothing more. I don't have anything to lose, so whatever I try can be seen as me keeping myself occupied until the right time comes. By thinking of it that way, if I try and fail, I hope it won't disappoint me, but strengthen my resolve instead. I don't know how helpful that mindset really is though, idk how long I'll keep it up or if it'll still wear me out...

 

[dkrw]

Me too, and unfortunately I don't have the luxury of waiting. I will have the SN soon. Of course, if the people at home don't see the cargo.
But I'm afraid. I don't know why I'm afraid either.

Me too, and unfortunately I don't have the luxury of waiting. I will have the SN soon. Of course, if the people at home don't see the cargo.
But I'm afraid. I don't know why I'm afraid either.

Similiar to you, I am waiting. Not for SN, but I'm waiting for the right moment
If I act too impulsively, I would risk making too many mistakes.

I am also so afraid. Afraid to live but also afraid to die.

 

[Blueth]

Similiar to you, I am waiting. Not for SN, but I'm waiting for the right moment
If I act too impulsively, I would risk making too many mistakes.

I am also so afraid. Afraid to live but also afraid to die.

I wish I had a gun. Maybe a quick and sudden ending would defeat the fear.

 

[dkrw]

I wish I had a gun. Maybe a quick and sudden ending would defeat the fear.

I've thought about that too but even a gun wouldn't take away my fear
Unlucky ones survive that too

 

[Praestat_Mori]

There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed for when planning CTB. Imo it's SI that already disturbs here.

 

[dkrw]

There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed for when planning CTB. Imo it's SI that already disturbs here.

You're right. I should stick with my plan from now onwards and not be swayed by my emotions/SI

 

[Linda]

suddenly I feel overwhelmed with shame and regret about feeling suicidal and wanting/planning to ctb

is it a sign that it is not the correct time?
or am I deluding myself again?

I keep daydreaming about another reality, in which my life is better or my problems can be fixed… but honestly death is the only real solution to my problems

You don't need to feel ashamed about planning to ctb. But you do need to figure out whether it is the right option for you. I don't know enough about your situation to have a clear opinion on that.
My own view is that ctb may be the right option for someone if all three of the following apply:
(1) Their problem is serious enough that it makes life very unpleasant. (Minor problems are annoying, but we just can put up with them.)
(2) Their problem is probably permanent. (If a problem is only going to be temporary, it's usually best to put up with it and wait for better times to arrive.)
(3) Their problem has no solution, or at least no solution that is accessible to the person concerned.
If you consider your own situation against those three criteria, it might help you get your thoughts clearer.

 

[melancholymallory03]

I'm wishing you peace and clarity on you're journey ,

 

[sami1839]

Even if the human mind knows the truth, it cannot help thinking of other possibilities.

Instead of thinking about the possibilities, I would like my mind to perceive my desire to die as an order and make death possible.

im not saying you should not ctb if you really feel like it, but death is never the only solution, im just putting this out, but its your choice, I just hope you make the actual right decision and broaden your horizons before deciding and just making sure you're doing whats right for you, good luck

 

[dkrw]

You don't need to feel ashamed about planning to ctb. But you do need to figure out whether it is the right option for you. I don't know enough about your situation to have a clear opinion on that.
My own view is that ctb may be the right option for someone if all three of the following apply:
(1) Their problem is serious enough that it makes life very unpleasant. (Minor problems are annoying, but we just can put up with them.)
(2) Their problem is probably permanent. (If a problem is only going to be temporary, it's usually best to put up with it and wait for better times to arrive.)
(3) Their problem has no solution, or at least no solution that is accessible to the person concerned.
If you consider your own situation against those three criteria, it might help you get your thoughts clearer.

thank you a lot for this long and detailed message, I appreciate it a lot.

I need to get my thoughts clear, but it is hard because dealing with my problems is not easy at all and I'm stuck in a life-long prison.

On the other hand, thinking death is an option gives me a great sense of relief. I wish I could escape from my prison and dying seems to be the only solution.

It's hard. I do not know whether my fantasy about life or ctb-ing is escapism

 

[Linda]

thank you a lot for this long and detailed message, I appreciate it a lot.

I need to get my thoughts clear, but it is hard because dealing with my problems is not easy at all and I'm stuck in a life-long prison.

On the other hand, thinking death is an option gives me a great sense of relief. I wish I could escape from my prison and dying seems to be the only solution.

It's hard. I do not know whether my fantasy about life or ctb-ing is escapism

Just take your time to think about it. The option to ctb isn't going to go away, so there's no rush.
Something else you could do is think through each step of what you would need to do if you decide to ctb, and ask yourself whether you would be able to do it. Jumping from a height, or pulling a trigger, or whatever, is a lot harder than you might imagine, and many people back out at the last moment. In your thoughts, put yourself face-to-face with the hard reality of dying. That might help you distinguish between an escapist fantasy and a real wish to die.