Venting Feeling disconnected from my plans and urges

[peekychu]

I've been feeling so disconnected from my thoughts about suicide. It makes me feel like I'm just faking everything and the help I'm getting and trying to get are not necessary. It also makes me feel like I'm not being honest wether I'm feeling extremely suicidal (because I felt fine before after a similar moment) or super happy (because I don't need help anymore and the thoughts are just me overreacting.
It's led me to be confused on when/if to get help and kind of view any kind of treatment as an annoyance even though I know theoretically I need it. I feel bad because I feel like there's someone out there waiting that could benefit far more from this help than I could but I'm taking that spot away from them.
During all of this I've been planning and preparing for my suicide. I just bought rope and have been trying to find the sweet spot for when the day comes. I've bought more sharps again because I've been feeling more and mrle uncomfortable in my own skins and thinking of suicide or self harm feels like the only way to make it go away.
A part of me just wants to die and get it all over with so I don't have to deal with these feelings and sensations anymore but another part of me wants to get help despite not feeling like I deserve it. It sucks and I feel fake

 

[doggo2355]

Funny, I had the same issue. The second the last material arrived the really strong urges subsided, and actually haven't really resurfaced with the same intensity since. I think for me it was mostly that, at that time, I was in what to me felt like unbearable pain, and I just wanted out. The arrival of that package gave me the security of actually having secured that way out should I choose to go for it. For me, the urges were less about actually wanting to die and more about not wanting to be in pain anymore I think.

I would take it as a good thing that you're feeling disconnected. It shows you that there is still hope. But it doesn't mean you're faking anything. Preparing a plan, buying materials, being in this forum etc. isn't really what people who are faking are really doing. Like I said, I totally empathize and still feel like I'm faking or exaggerating it all a lot of the times. But that's just our brains tricking us.

If I were you, I'd try getting outside help. Worst thing that happens is that it does nothing for you and you feel stupid for trying it. Or you might actually be able to improve your life in same way or form. For me, that was possible, and the way you're feeling right now is what kinda allowed me to transition I think.