Feeling desired won’t save you

[burninghill]

I really genuinely hate using the R slur but it's the only word I can use to describe myself. What a fucking idiot.

I went on a date with a guy today, it's really easy to think that (if you've never been romantically desired) it can 'save you'.

I've gone on plenty of dates in the last year and let men touch me and kiss me, hoping it'll make me feel some type of way that'll be better than… whatever this is. It doesn't make anything better.

I've tried receiving romantic affection from strangers, people I care a lot about and everything inbetween. Nothing makes a difference. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. Nothing.

It makes things so much worse and I feel disgusting. I feel gross and like I wanna rip off all of my skin and reverse everything and start over again. I've tried with all kinds of people. Strangers, people I thought I liked. The problem is me. I want to like things normal people do

 

[SpencerSees]

As a sex worker, it will genuinely just ruin you more if you base your worth on the approval of men. Men who prey on vulnerable people like this are filthy animals who only want one thing. They don't love you, they don't want to know what you had for breakfast or what you find the most interesting about a film. It's not your fault, you're not dirty and you're not wrong. You just tried what you thought might work. Take care of yourself, you deserve true and honest love and I pray that it will come to you.

 

[pinapellicer]

What i actually crave is to be desired as a friend. For someone to want to spend time with me and want me around in a platonical way.