sleepyhollow
Shall I linger a little longer?
- Nov 19, 2023
- 14
After many months of planning, the day has finally arrived. There were many people who I cared about. I wish I didn't have to leave them this way. I wish I could have prepared them better, but... they love me, and, if they had known, they wouldn't have allowed me to make this decision for myself, regardless of how altogether melancholic my existence might be. I'm not making this decision lightly, but I have been contemplating it for years, and I feel that I have the right to choose to end my personal existence when each day of living has been so very painful for such a long time. I feel like I am a failure, that I always dissapoint the people that I love the most, that I am not capable of living a full and happy life. I'm relatively young, but I found out not so long ago that I can't have children, and I have known for years that I have high-functioning autism and OCD. I literally can't create a family with another person in the future, and, despite my above-average intelligence, I am unable to have a successful career because I cannot complete tasks efficiently. I'm too much of a perfectionist, so every mistake I make seems to hang over my head and weigh me down. I kept all of these things inside. It was foolish to think that I could just ignore what I was feeling and keep them hidden so as to maintain the comfort of those around me. At some point, this manifested in the form of self harm, and it has only gotten more severe. It feels good to have an outlet, but it is simply exhausting to hide it constantly. I began to feel like I was unloveable, that I wasn't even worthy of being loved. I wish that no one ever had to feel like that, but I know that such a wish is futile. I look forward to my quickly-approaching death. I thought I would feel a little anxious, but all I feel is a vague sadness and a deep sense of calm. I want to thank you all for being so kind and understanding for the time that I was here. I really was so impressed by how helpful and empathetic and lovely everyone was. Thank you. When I couldn't talk to anyone else in my own life about the things I was going through, I found immeasurable solice and comfort just being present here. I wish all of you the best, whatever that might look like for you. For those interested, I will include my method and schedule for the next hours below :)
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My method of choice is SN. I looked into other methods, but none seemed as reliable or (mostly) painless. Unfortunately, I don't have any other substances recommended by the PPH for the SN method, save painkiller. However, I am going to prepare a second glass of the dissolved SN to be used in the event that I upend my stomche's contents. I am fasting for a longer period of time than is required, which should help to speed up the process (low blood pressure=SN works faster), meaning that I will hopefully experience less of the potential side effects. My schedule is as follows:
(Yesterday)
- 10:00 pm: started fast from food
- 11:00 pm: double-checked purity of SN via blood test
(Today)
- 6:00 pm: stop drinking water
- 10:00 pm: take 600 mg of ibuprofen
- 10:15 pm: dissolve 25g SN in a small cup of water (x2)
- 10:25 pm: turn on some nice, calming music because I don't want to die in silence
- 10:30 pm: drink 1 of the cups of SN then consume 1 mint (to get rid of the salty taste) and just lay in bed and wait
If anyone has any suggestions with the materials available to me, please let me know. Once again, thank you all.
l\\\l///l\\\l///l\\\l///l\\\l///l\\\l///l\\\l///l\\\l///l\\\l///l\\\l///l
My method of choice is SN. I looked into other methods, but none seemed as reliable or (mostly) painless. Unfortunately, I don't have any other substances recommended by the PPH for the SN method, save painkiller. However, I am going to prepare a second glass of the dissolved SN to be used in the event that I upend my stomche's contents. I am fasting for a longer period of time than is required, which should help to speed up the process (low blood pressure=SN works faster), meaning that I will hopefully experience less of the potential side effects. My schedule is as follows:
(Yesterday)
- 10:00 pm: started fast from food
- 11:00 pm: double-checked purity of SN via blood test
(Today)
- 6:00 pm: stop drinking water
- 10:00 pm: take 600 mg of ibuprofen
- 10:15 pm: dissolve 25g SN in a small cup of water (x2)
- 10:25 pm: turn on some nice, calming music because I don't want to die in silence
- 10:30 pm: drink 1 of the cups of SN then consume 1 mint (to get rid of the salty taste) and just lay in bed and wait
If anyone has any suggestions with the materials available to me, please let me know. Once again, thank you all.
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