Failure is unacceptable

[mainlanders_son]

I've been dealing with anxiety, OCD, and depression since I was a teenager- I'm mid 40s now. I was always, always functional, outgoing, engaged in hobbies, and partook a bunch of fun and tomfoolery with friends, loved meeting new people. I've always tried seeing humor in the world, even in the most fucked up things, like 9/11 or my own mental issues. But, last August, something happened to my brain and it became completely unhinged, compared to my former mental states.

It started with an uptick in anxiety at the end of August, due to a friend-relationship falling apart, which then triggered my dormant OCD, which then triggered even worse anxiety which lead to 0-night hours of sleep. I wasn't medicated at the time, and unfortunately I tried taking Zoloft to assuage the mental issues (the worst mistake of my life), but as soon as I ingested the first pill, my mental state just completely unwinded. One night after that, during another panic attack, I felt my mind "rip open", and it felt like I became instantly "autistic" and ADHD- my attentional faculties were destroyed, my central executive blown apart, and the emotional valence to all of my sensations completely dropped away (zero emotional response to smelling freshly baked cookies, to seeing an attractive woman, to hearing music I loved, to reading books I loved, to a gentle touch from my partner).

The following months were complete torture. The (old) personality I came to accept, then appreciate, then love over the years was ripped away from me, my mental skills such as deep focus and intelligence were replaced with a complete failure to focus, and I felt very, very stupid. I was completely unmoored, drowning in disabling anxiety and insomnia, and thus I took another trip to the psych ward, which was of course unhelpful and stupid.

Every day since the ripping open of my mind, I've craved non-existence. I have visited this site numerous times (first discovered after leaving the psych ward, literally in an Uber), my method has changed frequently but I've landed on full suspension hanging. Simple, cheap, effective.

However- I absolutely cannot fail. I'm so privileged in that my immediate family cares about me, I have an amazing partner, I live in a HCOL and our home is amazing. Yet, I cannot feel any of it- I cannot feel my old self, I cannot feel the love for my family, for my partner, for my dogs, the passion for my work that I once felt deeply; I cannot feel the tomfoolery, goofs, or jokes; I cannot feel the stimulation from interacting with people, that joy/mild euphoria I felt when interacting with people I love- or people in general. I can't even feel physical pleasure, nor can I feel physical pain. I live like some sort of vampire, stuck in liminal space between existence and non-existence. Doctors and psychiatrists know fuck all, therapists are useless (how can I talk my way out of feeling physical sensations?), and therefore I think this is the end for me. I was able to cope before, but the mind-ripping blasted away my coping mechanisms, and I'm left with dust, a shell of my former self, unrecognizable.

Because I am surrounded by many positive, good things, if I fail my attempt, everything that hasn't been stripped away from me will be gone. My subjective experience is already torture, daily, but if I attempt, everything will truly fall apart.

In addition to FSH, I was thinking of downing a bunch of pills before hand (clonazepam, propranol, a small sphere of home-grown opium), and before I drop into the slipknot, I was thinking of slashing my own wrists after the pills took effect with a medical grade scalpel. I understand the latter two may be ineffective, but perhaps will overwhelm the emergency response so they're unfocused and dealing with too many simultaneous problems.

Thoughts?

 

[MeltingBrain]

I've been dealing with anxiety, OCD, and depression since I was a teenager- I'm mid 40s now. I was always, always functional, outgoing, engaged in hobbies, and partook a bunch of fun and tomfoolery with friends, loved meeting new people. I've always tried seeing humor in the world, even in the most fucked up things, like 9/11 or my own mental issues. But, last August, something happened to my brain and it became completely unhinged, compared to my former mental states.

It started with an uptick in anxiety at the end of August, due to a friend-relationship falling apart, which then triggered my dormant OCD, which then triggered even worse anxiety which lead to 0-night hours of sleep. I wasn't medicated at the time, and unfortunately I tried taking Zoloft to assuage the mental issues (the worst mistake of my life), but as soon as I ingested the first pill, my mental state just completely unwinded. One night after that, during another panic attack, I felt my mind "rip open", and it felt like I became instantly "autistic" and ADHD- my attentional faculties were destroyed, my central executive blown apart, and the emotional valence to all of my sensations completely dropped away (zero emotional response to smelling freshly baked cookies, to seeing an attractive woman, to hearing music I loved, to reading books I loved, to a gentle touch from my partner).

The following months were complete torture. The (old) personality I came to accept, then appreciate, then love over the years was ripped away from me, my mental skills such as deep focus and intelligence were replaced with a complete failure to focus, and I felt very, very stupid. I was completely unmoored, drowning in disabling anxiety and insomnia, and thus I took another trip to the psych ward, which was of course unhelpful and stupid.

Every day since the ripping open of my mind, I've craved non-existence. I have visited this site numerous times (first discovered after leaving the psych ward, literally in an Uber), my method has changed frequently but I've landed on full suspension hanging. Simple, cheap, effective.

However- I absolutely cannot fail. I'm so privileged in that my immediate family cares about me, I have an amazing partner, I live in a HCOL and our home is amazing. Yet, I cannot feel any of it- I cannot feel my old self, I cannot feel the love for my family, for my partner, for my dogs, the passion for my work that I once felt deeply; I cannot feel the tomfoolery, goofs, or jokes; I cannot feel the stimulation from interacting with people, that joy/mild euphoria I felt when interacting with people I love- or people in general. I can't even feel physical pleasure, nor can I feel physical pain. I live like some sort of vampire, stuck in liminal space between existence and non-existence. Doctors and psychiatrists know fuck all, therapists are useless (how can I talk my way out of feeling physical sensations?), and therefore I think this is the end for me. I was able to cope before, but the mind-ripping blasted away my coping mechanisms, and I'm left with dust, a shell of my former self, unrecognizable.

Because I am surrounded by many positive, good things, if I fail my attempt, everything that hasn't been stripped away from me will be gone. My subjective experience is already torture, daily, but if I attempt, everything will truly fall apart.

In addition to FSH, I was thinking of downing a bunch of pills before hand (clonazepam, propranol, a small sphere of home-grown opium), and before I drop into the slipknot, I was thinking of slashing my own wrists after the pills took effect with a medical grade scalpel. I understand the latter two may be ineffective, but perhaps will overwhelm the emergency response so they're unfocused and dealing with too many simultaneous problems.

Thoughts?

Sounds awful what you have gone through .
Any medical explanation doctors came up with for the sudden onset of ADHD and autism ?

 

[mainlanders_son]

Hey @MeltingBrain , doctors have been useless thus far. I have no hope that the medical profession/medical sciences can save/fix me at this point.

I talked to a neuroscientist operating out of Brown University, and she mentioned that this "mind ripping" is a natural mammalian response to an overwhelming amount of stress/fear- which doesn't really help me. No one can provide any fixes or solutions, just vague explanations.

I think my brain is fucked permanently. One year ago, I was doing amazingly- I never thought my life would end up like this. Complete disconnection from myself and everyone else, beyond the solutions of medicine. I was happy.

 

[MeltingBrain]

Hey @MeltingBrain , doctors have been useless thus far. I have no hope that the medical profession/medical sciences can save/fix me at this point.

I talked to a neuroscientist operating out of Brown University, and she mentioned that this "mind ripping" is a natural mammalian response to an overwhelming amount of stress/fear- which doesn't really help me. No one can provide any fixes or solutions, just vague explanations.

I think my brain is fucked permanently. One year ago, I was doing amazingly- I never thought my life would end up like this. Complete disconnection from myself and everyone else, beyond the solutions of medicine. I was happy.

It's bonkers how they blame everything they can't explain on stress . I am no doctor but how the fuck does one get Autism and ADHD symptomps overnight from stress only ? It should be considered a medical malpractice to put it on stress . They should come clean and say "I don't know, stress is all I can think of" .

 

[mainlanders_son]

Yeah they know jackshit. They blame everything on either depression or anxiety. I told my psychiatrist that I can't feel pain- "oh that's just depression, it affects how people experience pain".

NO IT'S NOT. Something is literally wrong with my brain.

 

[Ernest1964]

"Do or do not, there is no try."
- Yoda

 

[EternalWinter]

It's bonkers how they blame everything they can't explain on stress . I am no doctor but how the fuck does one get Autism and ADHD symptomps overnight from stress only ? It should be considered a medical malpractice to put it on stress . They should come clean and say "I don't know, stress is all I can think of" .

Sometimes people snap. It happens. The unfortunate part is we indeed don't know how to put everyone back together again. We still don't understand most of how the mind works, we know just enough to throw pills at people, which backfires a good portion of the time—because we don't understand most of how the mind works. Just enough to get into trouble. Otherwise they just try to talk it out.

These methods seem to work to varying degrees for most people, not so much (or at all) for others. Roll of the dice.

But about stress specifically—stress is quite possibly the most adverse long term health state possible. Stressed people exhibit higher rates of most ailments. There seems to be a pretty direct link between stress and aging, hair loss, stomach problems, everything, because stress releases a lot of hormones. Stress as a response is a biological mechanism designed for specific scenarios, and as with everything, it's possible to have too much. Too much stress is very bad. It's why being poor should be considered a health condition in addition to a financial one, but stress can occur to anyone. The prevalence is just distributed in a rather self-explanatory way among various demographics and individuals.

Overall, our best skill appears to be generating the illusion of species competence for the masses. Then you look back and see that most things we do have been stupid and shortsighted, while relative brilliance comes in brief flashes.

 

[iloverachel]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, that sounds truly awful and i wish you peace

 

[bipbapbop]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds absolute awful and eerily similar to what happened to me last summer.

Can you please explain the "mind ripping" in more detail? Are you describing a moment or something else? I am mostly curious because it sounds like I had the same experience after experiencing a massive amount of stress last year and suddenly being unable to feel any joy and becoming extremely suicidal. I can't even get myself to feel guilty about leaving my mother behind, which had previously been my primary reason for not CTB.

I appreciate your willingness to be so open and vulnerable and I hope you find peace somehow.

 

[mainlanders_son]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds absolute awful and eerily similar to what happened to me last summer.

Can you please explain the "mind ripping" in more detail? Are you describing a moment or something else? I am mostly curious because it sounds like I had the same experience after experiencing a massive amount of stress last year and suddenly being unable to feel any joy and becoming extremely suicidal. I can't even get myself to feel guilty about leaving my mother behind, which had previously been my primary reason for not CTB.

I appreciate your willingness to be so open and vulnerable and I hope you find peace somehow.

Sure, I can describe it.

I was laying on my couch, looking out the window when yet another anxiety attack started- usually these attacks consist of hot flashes, disorganized around my body, clammy skin, increased heart rate. But this one was very "clean", organized. Because I've practiced meditation before, I noticed myself "watching" the attack happen automatically, then noticed myself noticing the attack. I also noticed the fact I didn't control the attack, didn't control the response, and all the sudden, my mind ripped. It's hard to describe, but at that moment, I felt my emotional valence surrounding my sensations fall away, I felt like my central executive- the apex of my personality, director of attention- explode apart. I became avolitional and anhedonic right then, it was then I entered into a new realm of hell and suffering.

Note that this was after a week on Zoloft, which ramped up my pre-existing anxiety to incomprehensible intensity.

Large portions of my personality are missing- my wit and sense of humor are gone, my intelligence is at about 40%, my passions for hobbies, learning are gone; my sexuality is gone, joy is gone, pride is gone, connection with others is gone. Every day is exactly the same, my sense of time is gone. Even worse, I can feel no physical pleasure. Massages aren't enjoyable. Pain sensations are dulled. I can squeeze, pinch, claw myself as hard as possible- no sensations "reach my mind".

My life is essentially ruined. A year ago, I was fully engaged in life, performing well at work, felt my sexuality deeply, connecting and joking with others. All lost now.

And this is why I want to CTB.

Does that answer your question @bipbapbop ?

 

[bipbapbop]

Sure, I can describe it.

I was laying on my couch, looking out the window when yet another anxiety attack started- usually these attacks consist of hot flashes, disorganized around my body, clammy skin, increased heart rate. But this one was very "clean", organized. Because I've practiced meditation before, I noticed myself "watching" the attack happen automatically, then noticed myself noticing the attack. I also noticed the fact I didn't control the attack, didn't control the response, and all the sudden, my mind ripped. It's hard to describe, but at that moment, I felt my emotional valence surrounding my sensations fall away, I felt like my central executive- the apex of my personality, director of attention- explode apart. I became avolitional and anhedonic right then, it was then I entered into a new realm of hell and suffering.

Note that this was after a week on Zoloft, which ramped up my pre-existing anxiety to incomprehensible intensity.

Large portions of my personality are missing- my wit and sense of humor are gone, my intelligence is at about 40%, my passions for hobbies, learning are gone; my sexuality is gone, joy is gone, pride is gone, connection with others is gone. Every day is exactly the same, my sense of time is gone. Even worse, I can feel no physical pleasure. Massages aren't enjoyable. Pain sensations are dulled. I can squeeze, pinch, claw myself as hard as possible- no sensations "reach my mind".

My life is essentially ruined. A year ago, I was fully engaged in life, performing well at work, felt my sexuality deeply, connecting and joking with others. All lost now.

And this is why I want to CTB.

Does that answer your question @bipbapbop ?

Yes, thank you so much for the detailed response! I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Although we can never really know, I think I am experiencing something similar from prolonged extreme levels of stress all throughout last year. If you asked me if I was going to CTB in the beginning of last year I would have laughed in your face, but I am now ready to go.

I appreciate you sharing your story and I hope you find your peace somehow.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Yes, thank you so much for the detailed response! I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Although we can never really know, I think I am experiencing something similar from prolonged extreme levels of stress all throughout last year. If you asked me if I was going to CTB in the beginning of last year I would have laughed in your face, but I am now ready to go.

I appreciate you sharing your story and I hope you find your peace somehow.

No problem at all, would you like to tell your story? I'm curious now. Your mind ripped apart as well, (kinda) suddenly? What happened?

Yep last year this time my life was amazing.

 

[bipbapbop]

No problem at all, would you like to tell your story? I'm curious now. Your mind ripped apart as well, (kinda) suddenly? What happened?

Yep last year this time my life was amazing.

Sure, I can share a little bit. Given the nature of this forum, I don't want to share specifics, but I can tell you what happened in a vague sense.

I didn't have the same sudden experience as you, but there were a few very distinct events that pushed me to this place. Around May of last year, I went through a massive life changing event that raised my stress level to the highest it had been in my entire life. Basically, I was juggling multiple extremely high level expectations from my work and I had to complete these massive tasks with an extremely critical supervisor. I lived in this extremely high level of stress for a few years, but it reached a new high in May. I ended up having a hugely traumatic event happen to me on a personal level in July and it continued to happen until coming to a head mid August. I started therapy immediately after, but it was too late. I ended up spending a month and a half sobbing every single day for hours until one day in September where I suddenly felt something crack in the middle of my chest. Not like a physical crack, but something cracked. It's hard to explain. At the time, I thought it was something good and healing, but I realized afterwards I was just unable to feel any sort of joy or happiness at all. I continued to have some major traumatic events into December and even now, but in February of this year I took a shower and suddenly tried to CTB without really putting any thought into it out of nowhere. It was obviously unsuccessful, but ever since then I've just been completely unable to feel anything internally and externally except severe sadness (sometimes) and exhausted (physically and emotionally).

Sorry for being so vague, but I just don't want to share any specifics. Basically, I had a series of extremely traumatic personal events happen all throughout the year last year and had two occasions where I suddenly felt a physical change where I lost a ton of feeling.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Thanks for sharing @bipbapbop , sounds like a very rough time. The cracking in the middle of your chest sounds "interesting"- the front of my torso has "cracked away" from the rest of my body, like it's been disconnected.

Apparently anhedonia can be triggered by events or a series of events like this- something super stressful occurs and your body/mind just kinda switch off, like a circuit breaker was flipped. Problem is that I haven't found a way to flip the switch back on.

Can you derive any pleasure from sounds/music? From socializing? From interacting with loved ones? From eating? From physical pleasures like sex, massage, the non-sexual touch of loved ones?

 

[bipbapbop]

Thanks for sharing @bipbapbop , sounds like a very rough time. The cracking in the middle of your chest sounds "interesting"- the front of my torso has "cracked away" from the rest of my body, like it's been disconnected.

Apparently anhedonia can be triggered by events or a series of events like this- something super stressful occurs and your body/mind just kinda switch off, like a circuit breaker was flipped. Problem is that I haven't found a way to flip the switch back on.

Can you derive any pleasure from sounds/music? From socializing? From interacting with loved ones? From eating? From physical pleasures like sex, massage, the non-sexual touch of loved ones?

Thanks for the kind words. It's nice to be able to connect with someone about this experience even though I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

So I used to be very much into cooking, loved music, and also was extremely social.
I used to cook 3 meals a day but I haven't even turned on my stove once since September. I've been drinking protein shakes and eating random vegetables out of cans or any other edible items I can find. Even when I eat something good, the dopamine in my brain doesn't seem to react. Its just food now.
I no longer listen to music but instead use my noise canceling headphones to dull outside sound and I rarely go out but I'm very good at masking so people haven't noticed too much. I've also isolated from my family and spend most of my time alone. Wow, it sure seems a lot sadder when you type it out like this hahahah
In terms of physically? I live alone so idk really. I will say that my back doesn't ever hurt anymore which is the opposite side of the same coin.

My therapist has mentioned that my sudden loss of hope and strong desire to CTB are completely natural responses for a brain that has undergone so much stress for an extended period of time. It's just nature's way of trying to stop the pain I guess.

I will mention that you said your intelligence is much lower but I definitely have not noticed that. I'm an academic so I would be in a lot of trouble at work if that were to happen. I would really have no reason to live.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Thanks for the kind words. It's nice to be able to connect with someone about this experience even though I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

So I used to be very much into cooking, loved music, and also was extremely social.
I used to cook 3 meals a day and I haven't even turned on my stove once since September. I've been drinking protein shakes and eating random vegetables out of cans or anything other edible items I can find. Even when I eat something good, the dopamine in my brain doesn't seem to react. Its just food now.
I no longer listen to music but instead use my noise canceling headphones to dull outside sound and I rarely go out but I'm very good at masking so people haven't noticed too much. I've also isolated from my family and spend most of my time alone. Wow, it sure seems a lot sadder when you type it out like this hahahah
In terms of physically? I live alone so idk really. I will say that my back doesn't ever hurt anymore which is the opposite side of the same coin.

My therapist has mentioned that my sudden loss of hope and strong desire to CTB are completely natural responses for my a brain that has undergone so much stress for an extended period of time. It's just nature's way of trying to stop the pain I guess.

I will mention that you said your intelligence is much lower but I definitely have not noticed that. I'm an academic so I would be in a lot of trouble at work if that were to happen. I would really have no reason to live.

Yea, this all sounds similar to me- I loved music, loved obsessing about a certain album or band, but that's all gone. I eat like a horrible garbageman now, I avoided burgers for years and now eat them regularly. I isolate a lot, cancel plans constantly because there's no dopamine hits anywhere, even the microjoys are missing, which makes everything 2000x harder to do. I'm a programmer so I took much pleasure in locking into a problem but now I couldn't care less. Love of movies, books, gone.

It's fortunate your intelligence is still around. Losing mine is one of the many reasons I want to give up.

What are your next steps? Doctors? Are you on any meds?

 

[bipbapbop]

Yea, this all sounds similar to me- I loved music, loved obsessing about a certain album or band, but that's all gone. I eat like a horrible garbageman now, I avoided burgers for years and now eat them regularly. I isolate a lot, cancel plans constantly because there's no dopamine hits anywhere, even the microjoys are missing, which makes everything 2000x harder to do. I'm a programmer so I took much pleasure in locking into a problem but now I couldn't care less. Love of movies, books, gone.

It's fortunate your intelligence is still around. Losing mine is one of the many reasons I want to give up.

What are your next steps? Doctors? Are you on any meds?

Damn I can't imagine programming with brain fog. Sounds awful.

Next step is CTB. I chose to quit therapy because I've lost the desire to improve and because my case is so severe that only meds can really help me. Unfortunately I have a ton of medical trauma with antidepressants specifically so I am adamantly against using them now.

Honestly I'm not too bothered by any of this. I just wish I could help my family somehow because I know they're going to be devastated. Not sure if you could figure it out from this conversation, but I lead a very good life on paper so people will be shocked.

How about you? Are you trying to recover? Meds?

 

[mainlanders_son]

Damn I can't imagine programming with brain fog. Sounds awful.

Next step is CTB. I chose to quit therapy because I've lost the desire to improve and because my case is so severe that only meds can really help me. Unfortunately I have a ton of medical trauma with antidepressants specifically so I am adamantly against using them now.

Honestly I'm not too bothered by any of this. I just wish I could help my family somehow because I know they're going to be devastated. Not sure if you could figure it out from this conversation, but I lead a very good life on paper so people will be shocked.

How about you? Are you trying to recover? Meds?

Can I ask how antidepressants messed with you? Zoloft exacerbated my anxiety so much I am ashamed to admit I took them willingly.

I've been working with a psychiatrist since December. Nothing restoring my old self. He's labeling it "treatment resistant depression". Another reason to CTB.

I'm the same as you. My life is great, objectively. I just can't feel any of it.

Have you chose a CTB method? I'd use a firearm but the state confiscated mine a couple years ago.

Also- the only thing that's kept me around for this long has been the thought of devastating my family. Without that I would've been gone months ago when this all started.

 

[bipbapbop]

Can I ask how antidepressants messed with you? Zoloft exacerbated my anxiety so much I am ashamed to admit I took them willingly.

I've been working with a psychiatrist since December. Nothing restoring my old self. He's labeling it "treatment resistant depression". Another reason to CTB.

I'm the same as you. My life is great, objectively. I just can't feel any of it.

Have you chose a CTB method? I'd use a firearm but the state confiscated mine a couple years ago.

So I was actually forced onto antidepressants from the ages of 10 to 18 and have been on every AD under the sun. I was a pretty rebellious kid so it was their way of trying to control me, but I then retaliated by secretly spitting them out or taking the wrong doses which majorly fucked me up. I know that meds can probably really help me at this point, but I just don't want to feel that way ever again.

Such a shame you're not getting any relief from your psychiatrist. Have you tried ketamine treatments? I haven't, obviously, but I've heard it's good for TRD sometimes.

I always feel like my life has been wasted on me. I wish someone else could have it cause I'm sure they would love it! Hahahah

I have SN. I'm kind of a baby about scary stuff like guns and hanging and I don't want to be ugly when they find me

 

[mainlanders_son]

So I was actually forced onto antidepressants from the ages of 10 to 18 and have been on every AD under the sun. I was a pretty rebellious kid so it was their way of trying to control me, but I then retaliated by secretly spitting them out or taking the wrong doses which majorly fucked me up. I know that meds can probably really help me at this point, but I just don't want to feel that way ever again.

Such a shame you're not getting any relief from your psychiatrist. Have you tried ketamine treatments? I haven't, obviously, but I've heard it's good for TRD sometimes.

I always feel like my life has been wasted on me. I wish someone else could have it cause I'm sure they would love it! Hahahah

I have SN. I'm kind of a baby about scary stuff like guns and hanging and I don't want to be ugly when they find me

Yeah the psych has talked about ketamine! He's pretty open to alternative treatments. I just don't understand how it'll restore my emotions?

SN! Jealous. I never took the time to find a reliable supplier, and don't feel like purifying it.

Do you think you'll CTB soon?

Also, sorry you were drugged so hard as a child. That should be illegal.

 

[bipbapbop]

Yeah the psych has talked about ketamine! He's pretty open to alternative treatments. I just don't understand how it'll restore my emotions?

SN! Jealous. I never took the time to find a reliable supplier, and don't feel like purifying it.

Do you think you'll CTB soon?

Also, sorry you were drugged so hard as a child. That should be illegal.

It's worth a shot I feel like if you're really trying to get better. I also think it's amusing when people share that they're doing ket with people who don't know it's a real treatment.

I plan to CTB this summer. I'm thinking July because of some big events like vacations and birthdays that I don't want to ruin for people. I just can't do this for much longer. Do you have any plans or are you still on the fence? I'm never sure about where people are on the recovery to CTB spectrum on this forum.

Thanks for the kind words. I love my parents more than anything but boy did they fuck me up.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

We are pretty much twins. I'm 44, have just about every "D" disorder in the book, and have an extremely caring, well-to-do family that is constantly trying to help me. Seems like 40s is when a drastic fall off comes out of nowhere. At this age, I've started to change my mentality when it comes feeling guilt about how my death might affect my family, should I decide to end it. I feel that my family has now known for 4.5 decades that I have been suffering. They are going to feel sad about me whether I am live or dead, so I might as well be dead for my own sake.

 

[mainlanders_son]

It's worth a shot I feel like if you're really trying to get better. I also think it's amusing when people share that they're doing ket with people who don't know it's a real treatment.

I plan to CTB this summer. I'm thinking July because of some big events like vacations and birthdays that I don't want to ruin for people. I just can't do this for much longer. Do you have any plans or are you still on the fence? I'm never sure about where people are on the recovery to CTB spectrum on this forum.

Thanks for the kind words. I love my parents more than anything but boy did they fuck me up.

I'm really not sure when I'll CTB. It's tough because I think I'm going with FSH, but I can't really find a location. I can't finish in my house or garage because I don't want the property value to decrease, for my partner. I live in a major US city, so there aren't many deep woods around here. All my potential locations in the city are easily discoverable. I'm really scared I'll mess up, too, and become a vegetable. If the state didn't confiscate my firearm, I'd just point it at my chest and pull the trigger until it goes "click". I really wish I could just be truthful with my family, they could accept it, and I could inject some N or something with them surrounding me.

It's considerate that you're avoiding major events. I've been thinking that way too until I realize there's an event every month and I really can't avoid ruining something. :/

We are pretty much twins. I'm 44, have just about every "D" disorder in the book, and have an extremely caring, well-to-do family that is constantly trying to help me. Seems like 40s is when a drastic fall off comes out of nowhere. At this age, I've started to change my mentality when it comes feeling guilt about how my death might affect my family, should I decide to end it. I feel that my family has now known for 4.5 decades that I have been suffering. They are going to feel sad about me whether I am live or dead, so I might as well be dead for my own sake.

Interesting point about the age thing. One of my neighbors/babysitters growing up CTB at age 43. One of my uncles CTB at age 40. My brother is struggling at age 42. Granted, small sample size, but still.

My issues really intensified at age 39. I think I just wasn't able to cope with all the changes middle age heralds- death of aunts, uncles, potentially mom and dad; friends and family having babies; a general lack of life mission for myself. Lack of solid community and large multi-gender friend group- every year people seemed to move away.

I'd be able to cope if I was my former self, but I don't envision handling the rest of my life in my current anhedonic state. No pleasure, no life.

 

[bipbapbop]

I'm really not sure when I'll CTB. It's tough because I think I'm going with FSH, but I can't really find a location. I can't finish in my house or garage because I don't want the property value to decrease, for my partner. I live in a major US city, so there aren't many deep woods around here. All my potential locations in the city are easily discoverable. I'm really scared I'll mess up, too, and become a vegetable. If the state didn't confiscate my firearm, I'd just point it at my chest and pull the trigger until it goes "click". I really wish I could just be truthful with my family, they could accept it, and I could inject some N or something with them surrounding me.

It's considerate that you're avoiding major events. I've been thinking that way too until I realize there's an event every month and I really can't avoid ruining something. :/

Have you thought about renting a hotel room? I've seen quite a few people suggest that as an option.
I think the hardest part about this is that I feel like I'm betraying my family by hiding it, but I know they would never let me go thru with it otherwise. I agree that being with loved ones sounds like a lovely end.

Im not sure what kinds of events are happening in your life, but im intentionally avoiding birthdays because I think it's cruel for me to have that be a reminder to people every year instead of an opportunity to celebrate someone else.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Have you thought about renting a hotel room? I've seen quite a few people suggest that as an option.
I think the hardest part about this is that I feel like I'm betraying my family by hiding it, but I know they would never let me go thru with it otherwise. I agree that being with loved ones sounds like a lovely end.

Im not sure what kinds of events are happening in your life, but im intentionally avoiding birthdays because I think it's cruel for me to have that be a reminder to people every year instead of an opportunity to celebrate someone else.

Yeah, definitely thought about hotel rooms but seems like the ceilings are too low for FSH. Partial just seems too unreliable.

Ah yeah, avoiding birthdays in particular is a good idea.

I wish we could be restored to our former state. Sounds like we both were living decent lives. It really sucks that CTB seems the only option.

 

[bipbapbop]

Yeah, definitely thought about hotel rooms but seems like the ceilings are too low for FSH. Partial just seems too unreliable.

Ah yeah, avoiding birthdays in particular is a good idea.

I wish we could be restored to our former state. Sounds like we both were living decent lives. It really sucks that CTB seems the only option.

Hahaha I am very short so I never even thought about that. An airbnb might have high ceilings/staircases that could work.

I used to say that I had no regrets because it brought me to where i was, which at the time was a pretty ideal life. For the first time ever, though, I've been fantasizing about time machines and going back in time. I'd give absolutely anything to rewind one year and start therapy to handle my stress levels before it all came crashing down. Oh well.

We are pretty much twins. I'm 44, have just about every "D" disorder in the book, and have an extremely caring, well-to-do family that is constantly trying to help me. Seems like 40s is when a drastic fall off comes out of nowhere. At this age, I've started to change my mentality when it comes feeling guilt about how my death might affect my family, should I decide to end it. I feel that my family has now known for 4.5 decades that I have been suffering. They are going to feel sad about me whether I am live or dead, so I might as well be dead for my own sake.

Yall are making me feel like a baby. Hahaha
I'm 32 and still moving upwards in terms of my career. As it turns out, I don't want any of this and I can't handle it either. Now I'm afraid to ever reach my 40s.

 

[Davey36000]

Sorry this happened to you. I noticed you mentioned meditation and in my practice I also noticed the "watching the watcher" effect. Krishnamurti says "the observer is the observed", so maybe we are using the mind to watch itself?

Anyway I dunno what could help. If you had a good life you were happy with before, it would suck to CTB without getting your old life back.

Have you tried the more "obscure" therapies (although not so obscure now) like psychedelics? They helped a LOT of people, some who had life-long problems like addiction to alcohol, etc... But there is the potential to "bad trips" which can be damaging.

Or have you tried natural antidepressants, if the common list of antidepressants didn't work for you? Some people report success with Rhodiola Rosea, Hypericum perforatum, adaptogens like ginseng, etc... Or natural remedies in general which may heal your brain? Have you tried Lion's Mane mushroom? Lots of people report success with that for neurogenesis.

Maybe try these things for a month or so, and see if you notice any improvements?