Intense Feelings

[Myers]

Hello , I kind of just want to vent as I am in a pretty hard time right now . I am unable to sleep even though I want too but I cannot because I'm so stressed out that even when I close my eyes for long I cannot fall asleep. Awhile back I was thinking that maybe if I had someone there for me (a significant other) I wouldn't feel as sad/lonely or unheard, I always wanted to be loved by someone . For awhile my relationship has been good but things have started to get a bit hard for me to deal with. I do not like when my significant other has close friends of the opposite sex because it makes me overthink a lot , I kind of just want it to be us , I don't want anyone to get in the way of what we have :( . My partner gave me their login information awhile back and I decided to login to their account because for some reason I had a gut feeling that I was going to find something I didn't like, something in my head just kept telling me to check. I ended up seeing my partner compliment one of their "friends" multiple times about her new hair color and how she looked really nice, I took a look at more of the chats they had and they seem a little too friendly , she's also constantly dragging him into her drama which stresses him out and stresses me out ....I hate it....for some reason that made me really uncomfortable and nauseous seeing all the messages between them, they talk a lot , like all the way till late at night till the morning. Maybe it's also that fact that whenever I hear my partners phone buzzing they always lie about who is messaging them and just tell me that it's one of his boys messaging him when it's not , it's her messaging him . I have developed trust issues from when I was a child after getting molested by my uncle and a whole bunch of neglect from my family, I try really hard to trust my partner, I'm just really scared I'm going to lose them because I really do love this person , I just feel like they're going to get tired of me constantly worrying even though I can't help it. I've started to feel like absolute shit lately to the point where I just want to die , I really tried to get better but I can't I just simply can't. I'm tired of my racing thoughts that never go away, I just want to rest and not be overwhelmed with all these intense emotions im always feeling , I really cant deal with it anymore , I'm in constant pain. I'm to the point where I feel like I don't deserve to be loved , I can't even take care of myself, getting off my bed is such a struggle, I feel disgusting, I really wish I could take care of myself better but whenever I try I just end up crying because for some reason taking care of myself feels uncomfortable? I'm just really lost right now and It feels like as days go by I'm just here rotting in my room . I wish I could just close my eyes and stop thinking , I wish I could close my eyes and rest , I wish for a peaceful death.

 

[etrnllxid]

I understand your feelings, my eye bags have gotten so bad from sleepless nights thinking about past event's. The way you describe it makes me think your partner is unfaithful. From what I heard from people who've been cheated on it's that it's always the phone, if they're with you the only way they can be contacted is through their phone. Be open to the possibility that him giving you his account info was simply a red herring. (a diversion) Don't eat yourself up about "what ifs" you should bring it up with your BF or look closer by checking date's and the time you see him talking hopefully cast all doubts.

Also your partner is their own person with different life experiences you can't really control what they do. That could be his friend or could be something more. A certain is they most likely haven't lived a life like us and they probably don't know that side of you.

Rotting in a room won't save you and I know it's hard but you have to pick yourself up. You are in charge of your life and get to decide who's in it. Talk to your BF

 

[AkaRed]

God that sounds really awful, I'm so sorry. ;; I'm not really good at responding when it comes to relationship stuff, but I hope this works out for you and that nothing bad happens. You don't deserve this, and she shouldn't be taking advantage of your trust.

<3