mainlanders_son
Member
- Apr 4, 2024
- 89
I've been dealing with anxiety, OCD, and depression since I was a teenager- I'm mid 40s now. I was always, always functional, outgoing, engaged in hobbies, and partook a bunch of fun and tomfoolery with friends, loved meeting new people. I've always tried seeing humor in the world, even in the most fucked up things, like 9/11 or my own mental issues. But, last August, something happened to my brain and it became completely unhinged, compared to my former mental states.
It started with an uptick in anxiety at the end of August, due to a friend-relationship falling apart, which then triggered my dormant OCD, which then triggered even worse anxiety which lead to 0-night hours of sleep. I wasn't medicated at the time, and unfortunately I tried taking Zoloft to assuage the mental issues (the worst mistake of my life), but as soon as I ingested the first pill, my mental state just completely unwinded. One night after that, during another panic attack, I felt my mind "rip open", and it felt like I became instantly "autistic" and ADHD- my attentional faculties were destroyed, my central executive blown apart, and the emotional valence to all of my sensations completely dropped away (zero emotional response to smelling freshly baked cookies, to seeing an attractive woman, to hearing music I loved, to reading books I loved, to a gentle touch from my partner).
The following months were complete torture. The (old) personality I came to accept, then appreciate, then love over the years was ripped away from me, my mental skills such as deep focus and intelligence were replaced with a complete failure to focus, and I felt very, very stupid. I was completely unmoored, drowning in disabling anxiety and insomnia, and thus I took another trip to the psych ward, which was of course unhelpful and stupid.
Every day since the ripping open of my mind, I've craved non-existence. I have visited this site numerous times (first discovered after leaving the psych ward, literally in an Uber), my method has changed frequently but I've landed on full suspension hanging. Simple, cheap, effective.
However- I absolutely cannot fail. I'm so privileged in that my immediate family cares about me, I have an amazing partner, I live in a HCOL and our home is amazing. Yet, I cannot feel any of it- I cannot feel my old self, I cannot feel the love for my family, for my partner, for my dogs, the passion for my work that I once felt deeply; I cannot feel the tomfoolery, goofs, or jokes; I cannot feel the stimulation from interacting with people, that joy/mild euphoria I felt when interacting with people I love- or people in general. I can't even feel physical pleasure, nor can I feel physical pain. I live like some sort of vampire, stuck in liminal space between existence and non-existence. Doctors and psychiatrists know fuck all, therapists are useless (how can I talk my way out of feeling physical sensations?), and therefore I think this is the end for me. I was able to cope before, but the mind-ripping blasted away my coping mechanisms, and I'm left with dust, a shell of my former self, unrecognizable.
Because I am surrounded by many positive, good things, if I fail my attempt, everything that hasn't been stripped away from me will be gone. My subjective experience is already torture, daily, but if I attempt, everything will truly fall apart.
In addition to FSH, I was thinking of downing a bunch of pills before hand (clonazepam, propranol, a small sphere of home-grown opium), and before I drop into the slipknot, I was thinking of slashing my own wrists after the pills took effect with a medical grade scalpel. I understand the latter two may be ineffective, but perhaps will overwhelm the emergency response so they're unfocused and dealing with too many simultaneous problems.
Thoughts?
It started with an uptick in anxiety at the end of August, due to a friend-relationship falling apart, which then triggered my dormant OCD, which then triggered even worse anxiety which lead to 0-night hours of sleep. I wasn't medicated at the time, and unfortunately I tried taking Zoloft to assuage the mental issues (the worst mistake of my life), but as soon as I ingested the first pill, my mental state just completely unwinded. One night after that, during another panic attack, I felt my mind "rip open", and it felt like I became instantly "autistic" and ADHD- my attentional faculties were destroyed, my central executive blown apart, and the emotional valence to all of my sensations completely dropped away (zero emotional response to smelling freshly baked cookies, to seeing an attractive woman, to hearing music I loved, to reading books I loved, to a gentle touch from my partner).
The following months were complete torture. The (old) personality I came to accept, then appreciate, then love over the years was ripped away from me, my mental skills such as deep focus and intelligence were replaced with a complete failure to focus, and I felt very, very stupid. I was completely unmoored, drowning in disabling anxiety and insomnia, and thus I took another trip to the psych ward, which was of course unhelpful and stupid.
Every day since the ripping open of my mind, I've craved non-existence. I have visited this site numerous times (first discovered after leaving the psych ward, literally in an Uber), my method has changed frequently but I've landed on full suspension hanging. Simple, cheap, effective.
However- I absolutely cannot fail. I'm so privileged in that my immediate family cares about me, I have an amazing partner, I live in a HCOL and our home is amazing. Yet, I cannot feel any of it- I cannot feel my old self, I cannot feel the love for my family, for my partner, for my dogs, the passion for my work that I once felt deeply; I cannot feel the tomfoolery, goofs, or jokes; I cannot feel the stimulation from interacting with people, that joy/mild euphoria I felt when interacting with people I love- or people in general. I can't even feel physical pleasure, nor can I feel physical pain. I live like some sort of vampire, stuck in liminal space between existence and non-existence. Doctors and psychiatrists know fuck all, therapists are useless (how can I talk my way out of feeling physical sensations?), and therefore I think this is the end for me. I was able to cope before, but the mind-ripping blasted away my coping mechanisms, and I'm left with dust, a shell of my former self, unrecognizable.
Because I am surrounded by many positive, good things, if I fail my attempt, everything that hasn't been stripped away from me will be gone. My subjective experience is already torture, daily, but if I attempt, everything will truly fall apart.
In addition to FSH, I was thinking of downing a bunch of pills before hand (clonazepam, propranol, a small sphere of home-grown opium), and before I drop into the slipknot, I was thinking of slashing my own wrists after the pills took effect with a medical grade scalpel. I understand the latter two may be ineffective, but perhaps will overwhelm the emergency response so they're unfocused and dealing with too many simultaneous problems.
Thoughts?