letmegetwhatiwant
Member
- Feb 27, 2024
- 6
thought i'd share it here, even though i wasn't really planning to come back.
i failed my attempt. i don't even feel enough to think i myself am a failure, i'm so miserable it just feels like too much of a title.
it was very impulsive, i just felt like it was the right time.
i ingested around 10g of SN in 250ml of water, was worried about the efficacy since my powder looked a little clumped but it worked. it didn't taste as awful as expected, it was completely bearable and only made my stomach slightly upset, didn't feel anything else, not even nausea. didn't vomit. presented peripheral cyanosis in under 10 minutes. thinking about it now, it reminded me of the taste of pedialyte or an awful generic drink for hydration like that.
a family member arrived too early from work and found me. i arrived at the hospital presenting symptoms of severe hypoxia, confirmed by <80% arterial oxygen saturation. <70% after 1h.
it was so quick and painless, surprisingly peaceful. i heard i had convulsions, but only remember feeling tired and i know i fainted a couple times. still didn't puke, didn't feel nauseated, the tachycardia worsened and i felt very cold.
i was ready to go, but a random doctor (istg there was at least 5 of them in the room at this point, just running around screaming at the nurses) "had an idea". i remember they laughing and taking pictures of the monitor showing my vital signs and it made me so uncomfortable that it all felt like a bad joke.
i'm now a museum of failed attempts. my body is full of bruises and little spots, specially because of arterial punctures and it hurts like hell, my wrists are so swollen i can't move and my arms feel stupidly heavy. they even went for my iliac artery, not the greatest experience ever. i didn't bother to say anything, even now outside ICU, so the doctors still think it was all caused by my medication (which they took off, so i'm now officially antidepressants-free). they called a psychiatrist but after he said "i looked too well and happy", i tend to think they ruled out a suicide attempt and still are trying to understand what the fuck happened and why only methylene blue worked when they had me on oxygen all the time. well, i hope they're having fun with their puzzle.
they kept me for almost a week and i'm still hospitalized as i write, since my body fought so hard i developed rhabdomyolysis. hopefully i won't be thrown in a psych ward or be under my family watch for too long, i'll definitely be scooping more of that ridiculously large 1kg bag of SN i had to buy.
i really wish i was more sensitive and thoughtful about a near death experience. i feel bad not because i failed, but because i hate hospital beds.
i failed my attempt. i don't even feel enough to think i myself am a failure, i'm so miserable it just feels like too much of a title.
it was very impulsive, i just felt like it was the right time.
i ingested around 10g of SN in 250ml of water, was worried about the efficacy since my powder looked a little clumped but it worked. it didn't taste as awful as expected, it was completely bearable and only made my stomach slightly upset, didn't feel anything else, not even nausea. didn't vomit. presented peripheral cyanosis in under 10 minutes. thinking about it now, it reminded me of the taste of pedialyte or an awful generic drink for hydration like that.
a family member arrived too early from work and found me. i arrived at the hospital presenting symptoms of severe hypoxia, confirmed by <80% arterial oxygen saturation. <70% after 1h.
it was so quick and painless, surprisingly peaceful. i heard i had convulsions, but only remember feeling tired and i know i fainted a couple times. still didn't puke, didn't feel nauseated, the tachycardia worsened and i felt very cold.
i was ready to go, but a random doctor (istg there was at least 5 of them in the room at this point, just running around screaming at the nurses) "had an idea". i remember they laughing and taking pictures of the monitor showing my vital signs and it made me so uncomfortable that it all felt like a bad joke.
i'm now a museum of failed attempts. my body is full of bruises and little spots, specially because of arterial punctures and it hurts like hell, my wrists are so swollen i can't move and my arms feel stupidly heavy. they even went for my iliac artery, not the greatest experience ever. i didn't bother to say anything, even now outside ICU, so the doctors still think it was all caused by my medication (which they took off, so i'm now officially antidepressants-free). they called a psychiatrist but after he said "i looked too well and happy", i tend to think they ruled out a suicide attempt and still are trying to understand what the fuck happened and why only methylene blue worked when they had me on oxygen all the time. well, i hope they're having fun with their puzzle.
they kept me for almost a week and i'm still hospitalized as i write, since my body fought so hard i developed rhabdomyolysis. hopefully i won't be thrown in a psych ward or be under my family watch for too long, i'll definitely be scooping more of that ridiculously large 1kg bag of SN i had to buy.
i really wish i was more sensitive and thoughtful about a near death experience. i feel bad not because i failed, but because i hate hospital beds.
