might ctb tomorrow + some backstory

[monotine]

i plan to ctb via SN + paracetamol + meto tomorrow. i can't get my hands on benzos. i hope my SI won't kick in and that i finally push through with it.

here's my story if you're curious

i've been depressed since i was probably 12 years old. i got addicted to SH and used it as a coping mechanism. i've had numerous attempts on my life in the past 2 years — both half assed ones and a couple that sent me to the hospital.

after my dad passed away i started going to therapy. but life only got worse after that. i attempted for the first time and failed. then i got manipulated and raped by the guy i was talking to, 2 days after being discharged from the hospital.

i dont wanna talk too much about the rape shit but long story short i filed a case against that bastard but the justice system failed me. i was victim blamed and i spiraled into even deep depression which caused me to miss 2 semesters in college and more failed attempts on my life. i then got diagnosed with bipolar 2, CPTSD, and PNES.

i have started experiencing severe anxiety over my future and the thought of living makes me nauseous. i dont need anyone to change my mind and tell me "life's going to get better" bullshit cause i genuinely don't see that happening.

my most recent attempt was my failed SN attempt last july. (it failed cause i didn't take enough, my SN was probably oxidized and my brother brought me to the hospital) ever since i got discharged, all i ever thought about was ending my life again. everyday i thought about suicide and i imagine how it would finally free me from the pain i've been feeling for years.

i only held out for so long cause i know that suicide just passes on your pain onto your loved ones. i've hated the thought of being responsible for the pain people would feel. but everything has consequences so i'm just in a fuck it mindset at this point.

i also know that i dont have it as bad as others. im privileged to be able to go to school, have a roof over my head, and a good support system. that's why i feel guilty for the way i am. if only i could give my life to someone more deserving of it, i would in a blink of an eye.

i've started isolating myself cause i no longer want to talk to people about what i feel. i feel like they're all tired of me being so depressed all the time. i know emotional fatigue is real and i've started to sense that from them.

i'm just yapping about whatever at this point. i feel like i've said plenty and don't know what else to say. if you've read everything up to here, thank you.

i hope to be free from this pain soon

 

[3rdworldsadness]

I hope you find the eternal peace and freedom. Happy departure :)

 

[darksouls]

good luck, I hope you find the peace you desire

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

Wow yeah I'm sorry what you went through. Emotional fatigue... Yeah... My family expects suicide attempts from me at this point...

I guess... What specifically would have to change in your life to not want to die? And more importantly... Can you enact or attempt to enact a life plan to change that? (It's the reason I haven't CTB yet... Not enough closure that things can't improve yet)

 

[hevnsfall]

I am terribly sorry the system failed you.
And i am sorry for your loss.

What is your current protocol now? Will you be fasting accordingly? Measuring your sn to be 25g in 50ml water? How much did you take the last time?

 

[monotine]

I am terribly sorry the system failed you.
And i am sorry for your loss.

What is your current protocol now? Will you be fasting accordingly? Measuring your sn to be 25g in 50ml water? How much did you take the last time?

yes i plan to fast accordingly. i also already have around (2) ~22g of SN ready just in case i vomit. i weigh 45kg so I believe that's enough to knock me out.

last march i put SN into 750 mg pill cartridges. they were confiscated, but i stumbled across them last july. i had around 9 of them but they became somewhat mushy (prolly cause it wasnt sealed well) i just took a gamble, tried dissolving it in water and wasn't able to drink the whole cup.

Wow yeah I'm sorry what you went through. Emotional fatigue... Yeah... My family expects suicide attempts from me at this point...

I guess... What specifically would have to change in your life to not want to die? And more importantly... Can you enact or attempt to enact a life plan to change that? (It's the reason I haven't CTB yet... Not enough closure that things can't improve yet)

idk. dying's the only thing on my mind. i thought going back to university would change the trajectory of my life but it only worsened how i feel

 

[Minnieflower:)]

i plan to ctb via SN + paracetamol + meto tomorrow. i can't get my hands on benzos. i hope my SI won't kick in and that i finally push through with it.

here's my story if you're curious

i've been depressed since i was probably 12 years old. i got addicted to SH and used it as a coping mechanism. i've had numerous attempts on my life in the past 2 years — both half assed ones and a couple that sent me to the hospital.

after my dad passed away i started going to therapy. but life only got worse after that. i attempted for the first time and failed. then i got manipulated and raped by the guy i was talking to, 2 days after being discharged from the hospital.

i dont wanna talk too much about the rape shit but long story short i filed a case against that bastard but the justice system failed me. i was victim blamed and i spiraled into even deep depression which caused me to miss 2 semesters in college and more failed attempts on my life. i then got diagnosed with bipolar 2, CPTSD, and PNES.

i have started experiencing severe anxiety over my future and the thought of living makes me nauseous. i dont need anyone to change my mind and tell me "life's going to get better" bullshit cause i genuinely don't see that happening.

my most recent attempt was my failed SN attempt last july. (it failed cause i didn't take enough, my SN was probably oxidized and my brother brought me to the hospital) ever since i got discharged, all i ever thought about was ending my life again. everyday i thought about suicide and i imagine how it would finally free me from the pain i've been feeling for years.

i only held out for so long cause i know that suicide just passes on your pain onto your loved ones. i've hated the thought of being responsible for the pain people would feel. but everything has consequences so i'm just in a fuck it mindset at this point.

i also know that i dont have it as bad as others. im privileged to be able to go to school, have a roof over my head, and a good support system. that's why i feel guilty for the way i am. if only i could give my life to someone more deserving of it, i would in a blink of an eye.

i've started isolating myself cause i no longer want to talk to people about what i feel. i feel like they're all tired of me being so depressed all the time. i know emotional fatigue is real and i've started to sense that from them.

i'm just yapping about whatever at this point. i feel like i've said plenty and don't know what else to say. if you've read everything up to here, thank you.

i hope to be free from this pain soon

Hey I hope you can keep us updated on your process. I'm sorry things had to be this way but I hope you can go in the most peaceful way possible. Also, I wouldn't worry about the aftermath if you think that this is the best thing for you, then you do it and not feel guilty about it the guilt itself can trigger a high SI response if your family has seen what you've gone through, it will take them a while but they should understand your reasons and know you weren't doing the "selfish thing", being able to have a roof over your head and go to school should be part of the minimum standard of living but this world is so messed up that we think that we should be all the grateful to have basic necessities and I'm saying this as someone who's low income and struggles. So you have all the right to go ahead and do this for your own good if you desire. I hope you can find some peace and warmth on your last moments <3

 

[monotine]

Hey

Hey I hope you can keep us updated on your process I'm sorry things had to be this way but I hope you can go in the most peaceful way possible. Also I wouldn't worry about the aftermath if you think that this is the best thing for you, then you do it and not feel guilty about it the guilt itself can trigger a high SI response if your family has seen what you've gone through, it will take them a while but they should understand your reasons and know you weren't doing the "selfish thing", being able to have a roof over your head and go to school should be part of the minimum standard of living but this world is so messed up that we think that we should be all the grateful to have basic necessities and I'm saying this as someone who's low income and struggles. So you have all the right to go ahead and do this for your own good if you desire. I hope you can find some peace and warmth on your last moments.

i'll try to update this thread once i push through with it. i am overthinking about the aftermath but thank you for your kind words. i appreciate this

 

[Widow39]

I really hope it goes well for you and your can find peace.

It would be nice if you could document a bit the process as there is few sn ctb cases fully documented.

What scares you with the aftermath?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

yes i plan to fast accordingly. i also already have around (2) ~22g of SN ready just in case i vomit. i weigh 45kg so I believe that's enough to knock me out.

last march i put SN into 750 mg pill cartridges. they were confiscated, but i stumbled across them last july. i had around 9 of them but they became somewhat mushy (prolly cause it wasnt sealed well) i just took a gamble, tried dissolving it in water and wasn't able to drink the whole cup.

idk. dying's the only thing on my mind. i thought going back to university would change the trajectory of my life but it only worsened how i feel

The whole cup? The sure not to use too much water, no more than 50ml. I wish you the best of luck if this is still what you want tomorrow.