Venting failed recovery

[ikilog]

Hello. Again.

i dont know why, but even after achieving goals, life doesnt get better, mental state does boost up, and i thought my life is finally getting better, and …. It was all a lie i told myself. I dont even know what i want to do in life anymore. Back then i had a image of atleast something. But now im felling that im rolling back into the pit of despair that i was trying to escape from. My studies are falling, and the only person to blame is me. I told myself, if i would fail finals, this is going to be 100% ctb, because i will be out of scholarship and university twice, and i cannot bear it second time.

Maybe compared to others, my situation is not bad, my family arent abusive, and im not from poor household. But my mind is fucked. I don't want to do anything literally, standing, running, sleeping, lying on bed, sitting, i just want to vanish. I dont want to feel, sense anything. Mentally im back at that same state i had exactly year ago, and maybe in this time im falling deeper.

 

[manta]

Hey,
I feel you on this. About a year ago I was on track to getting better. About a month ago I failed out of university and it did feel like the end. I'm not really even sure what to do with myself at this time either and I am definitely slipping back into a deeper hole.

When it comes to school, try to go easy on yourself if you can. There is much more that can be done without a university degree. It's tough to go to school when mentally you're not entirely there and struggling with mental health. Especially if you're not sure what to do. Give yourself some props for sticking it out until finals even if you don't pass. I didn't even make it until midterms before I gave up.

But I feel you. If you wanna vent my PMs are open.

 

[painoflife]

One of my major thoughts lately has been about the "things will get better" phrase which is always thrown at depressed or suicidal people. Yes things can get better sometimes but I wouldnt be able to enjoy the improvement because I believe they can also get worse again. And the thought of that makes it all worthless for me, the constant fear of feeling so deeply depressed means I am keeping myself in this state so I cant disappoint myself I guess. Its hard to explain that properly so I realise it might not make sense.
Unfortunately it is a vicious cycle we get stuck in and I dont have any answers how we truely get over our feelings of hopelessness altogether and allow ourselves to enjoy better days.

Dam this post sounded way more negative than intended but just wanted you to know you arent alone in how you feel. Well done for trying to make yourself feel happier, even if its just an act to convince yourself or others, that takes a lot of energy so good on you for giving it a go!

 

[ikilog]

Well done for trying to make yourself feel happier, even if its just an act to convince yourself or others, that takes a lot of energy so good on you for giving it a go!

I just realized that my goals was act to convince others that I'm not simply a failure, and at some part to prove something to myself.

Unfortunately it is a vicious cycle

I agree, and I knew it a long time before since I had these "ups and downs" starting from school. But still thought this time would be different

When it comes to school, try to go easy on yourself if you can. There is much more that can be done without a university degree.

The thing is, its my second try, I dropped once and this is my second time to prove to my parents I'm not a waste, and I thought this time would be different.... I have relevant experience and knowledge for the field I pursued, but in my country paths are closed without a degree.

 

[painoflife]

I agree, and I knew it a long time before since I had these "ups and downs" starting from school. But still thought this time would be different

Please dont get me wrong in thinking it definately cant get better. There are people out there who do recover and go on to live a happy life. It really depends on each persons circumstances I suppose and the help/resources they have access to.
You have tried something and it hasnt helped long term but the real achievement is in the trying. Honestly it can feel so exhausting at times. Maybe you have it in you to try something else to help but if you dont feel you can right now then just give yourself time to gather some energy and think about what you want. If you need a day laying in bed alone then do that because you deserve some rest.

Its so sad to hear that your desire to ctb relies on your studies so heavily. Can you defer for a year to have a break on medical grounds maybe? There could be an option you havent considered which would help with that, have you asked your tutor (not sure what they are called as mind has gone blank but somebody who oversees your studies through your whole course) whether anything like that is possible so you can focus on yourself for a while with the intention of returning. I would hope they would want to see you succeed so would understand this kind of situation.

 

[ikilog]

Can you defer for a year to have a break on medical grounds maybe?

No, there is no possibility of it, since I'm an international student and pause on studies meaning I would go back home ( and be out of scholarship) and well I do not want to repeat that half of year when I dropped out my first time. I'm in the situation of either finishing or dying. No room for mistakes.

 

[painoflife]

I'm in the situation of either finishing or dying.

Im sorry these are your only options right now.
I cant tell you what is best for yourself so hopefully you can take some time to think it through and make a decision you are happy with.
I didnt do as well as I could have done at uni as I was very suicidal and 2 days before final exams was in hospital following an attempt, I got a lower grade than I was on track for but I still got something. Where I live a degree isnt even questioned, you could write anything on your CV and I have never had to show my certificate to an employer but I think that strongly relies on the type of employment really.