Everything taken away

[jaydin72]

So I have a very sad story. It's honestly more sad than the majority here. I have a rare disease that is causing my connective tissue to break down rapidly. I was once an artist and an athlete and now no longer have the use of my hands or legs. I also cannot eat and have constant diarrhea like maybe eight times a day going to the bathroom. Another weird complication is every time I eat some thing my entire body burns my joints my nervous system. Additionally when I try to even take pain medication or steroids to reduce the inflammation it creates an allergic reaction in my body that elevates the pain. I am a biology teacher, I have my bachelors in it, I've studied so many mechanisms and diseases and frustrated that I don't even know what is causing this. It's frustrating also because so many people accuse me of having a psychological disorder rather than a disease. I have two auto immune diseases it's not impossible to have a third. I believe it was a strange reaction to medication I took in the past. The FDA always shove these under the rug. If I had my old life or just emotional problems without the physical agony I wouldn't be suicidal. Honestly I am angry at the people with able bodies. I am so jealous of anyone that can eat walk or drive. I don't understand how they can take it for granted. So it's hard to read other peoples reasons. I have also contemplated starving myself to death but that's a very long process. I'm already very thin due to the fact that eating is so painful. I have sodium nitrate but no antiemetic. With my reactions to medications I imagine that could be a very painful death for me since I'm so chemically sensitive. I also have a gun but I'm so afraid to use it. I thought about jumping in that also seems quite scary. The best method would probably be using a gun but I don't have hollow point bullets. This is just so unethical because I am a sane and educated individual who is just suffering a disease that will be terminal anyway since I can't eat. I've tried every medication available. They really should have been offering me end-of-life medication. I am to disable to get to Switzerland. Just so angry. I even asked my sister to help kill me and get me some heroin so I could overdose and she wouldn't. I am ashamed that I asked her. The government is forcing me to tear my family apart and destroy my relationships in my final months. I'm causing them so much anguish with my slow decline it's just not fair. I'm afraid of nothingness I want there to be an afterlife but I know it's probably just nothingness. I was such a successful human being and so proud of myself before all these diseases. I'm so alone. Just looking for people and support.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Everything you're going through sounds horrible. I'm so sorry that you are. There are lots of people and support and resources here for "anything you need". Just need to stay here awhile, interact, get to know everyone, let everyone get to know you. One thing, though, after reading your post, that I believe you should be a little more careful about is diminishing someone else's reason for being here ("So it's hard to read other peoples reasons"). None of us can truly walk in another shoes. They, "we", may not have the awful condition(s) that you have, but everyone has their own cross to bear. Can you agree with that?

 

[jaydin72]

Everything you're going through sounds horrible. I'm so sorry that you are. There are lots of people and support and resources here for "anything you need". Just need to stay here awhile, interact, get to know everyone, let everyone get to know you. One thing, though, after reading your post, that I believe you should be a little more careful about is diminishing someone else's reason for being here ("So it's hard to read other peoples reasons"). None of us can truly walk in another shoes. They, "we", may not have the awful condition(s) that you have, but everyone has their own cross to bear. Can you agree with that?

Yeah you're right it's just like bargaining like I wish I had anybody else's problems like I would give anything. I don't know I have this like weird anxiety where I can't really process other peoples problems since I'm in so much physical pain I'm like in survival mode. But I also want to die at the same time. Because there's just so much physical stress on my body. But you're right everything I can't judge other people but it's something that I can't stop. I can't even look at elderly people because I'm angry that they got to get old and I'll have to die. It's like a raging jealousy I can't stop.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I get the anger part. I think just about anyone on SS does. On here, though, you need to try, like with your best effort. There are others on here, like you, with excruciatingly painful conditions that I can't begin to understand. I don't have a anything like that. Maybe just some normal aging aches and pains on occasion, maybe a little more than that because of some less serious diseases. Nothing debilitating in that regard. You should take some time and read through a lot of posts and hopefully, gain a better understanding that there are a lot of things that people have that are debilitating, not necessarily physical ailments. It's all part of the human condition. I've got jealousy, too, albeit, it's totally different than the jealousy you feel. How it relates to me. Yeah, you can stop, somehow. Hating other people for not having what you have, or not appreciating what they have that you don't, will not change what is. Even those people you "see " out there are dealing with something, too. Everyone is. Try.

 

[Kismet]

This sounds scary and unfair and just plain miserable. I just want you to know I read everything and I get it and I can appreciate everything you wrote. My issues are nothing compared to what you're going through, depression hits people differently. It's perspective I guess. What's pain to me may not be pain to you type of thing. I sometimes wish, when I see someone else talking about their problems, that I could trade. We both know it doesn't work that way but that doesn't make anyone else's problems any less. I don't think you meant it that way, just saying is all.

I can't imagine living with some of the things you are living with, let alone all of them but I genuinely have a lot of compassion for what you're going through. I wish I could tell you that it could be worse as a way to help you feel better but I don't think it would have that effect.

Have you tried herbs like marijuana to help ease the pain? I've read that helps a lot and I've heard a lot of people that say it helps. It's not for me though, it makes me paranoid anymore. What about kratom? Kratom has some awesome pain management abilities and it can help with mood as well. I take kratom daily and before kratom, I was a daily drunk mess.

Jumping scares the crap out of me, a gun is a last resort. I'm partial to the night night as an option for myself and of course bleeding out is something I've thought about but not sure if it's possible. A bag and some type of gas ids another I've thought of or locking myself in a closet with a lawnmower running or something that puts out co2, but not sure of that one is possible either

 

[_Seeking]

I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I know how it feels to constantly have your body failing you while others around you can trash their bodies and be perfectly fine. Do you have Ehlers-Danlos or is it something else? I have hEDS and it typically comes with the autoimmune problems, GI, and mast cell disorder. I can still walk for now, when that goes is when I go.

I decided against sodium nitrite because I thought it would be too uncomfortable for me, I am going with N. It's not back in stock until July but if you can wait that long, you might want to look into it.

 

[jaydin72]

I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I know how it feels to constantly have your body failing you while others around you can trash their bodies and be perfectly fine. Do you have Ehlers-Danlos or is it something else? I have hEDS and it typically comes with the autoimmune problems, GI, and mast cell disorder. I can still walk for now, when that goes is when I go.

I decided against sodium nitrite because I thought it would be too uncomfortable for me, I am going with N. It's not back in stock until July but if you can wait that long, you might want to look into it.

Where can you inbox me? I can't travel. I thought they were all scams

 

[jimmy7754]

It's not fair.

 

[Starylain001]

I also have autoimmune shit that has taken away my young life. I so much understand you. One day at a time is the only way to do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds horrifying and so unbearable. No one should have to suffer like that. The fact that our bodies are capable of torturing us to such great extents is absolutely terrifying. It is so cruel how even with that amount of suffering, people are denied peaceful ways to exit. This life is just so unfair. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[Afrod22]

That's really awful and heartbreaking man. I'm also going through something similar but not as bad. I hope you can find some peace...

 

[Tav]

Hello, maybe you can use transdermal pain/inflammation drugs or the allergy has nothing to do with the digestive system? do you tolerate liquids better than solid food ? , if yes you could drink a highly nutritious liquid instead of solid food. I have read in a book that allergy or intolerance to chemicals can be caused by lack of glutathione, Vit D, leaky gut, leaky blood-brain barrier, chronic inflammation.

. I can relate to your situation as I too suffer from a debilitating disease

For CTB maybe you could use nitrogen as it is a relatively inert gas.

I wish you peace

 

[jaydin72]

Hello, maybe you can use transdermal pain/inflammation drugs or the allergy has nothing to do with the digestive system? do you tolerate liquids better than solid food ? , if yes you could drink a highly nutritious liquid instead of solid food. I have read in a book that allergy or intolerance to chemicals can be caused by lack of glutathione, Vit D, leaky gut, leaky blood-brain barrier, chronic inflammation.

. I can relate to your situation as I too suffer from a debilitating disease

For CTB maybe you could use nitrogen as it is a relatively inert gas.

I wish you peace

I am too debilitated to go out and obtain I guess I would really like to do the helium method. I have nobody to help me do it because I'm bedridden and can't drive. Thank you for your comment I appreciate it. I know it's not legal but I just wish I had someone to help me.

 

[Harper Lees]

I completely empathize with your story. I'm very sorry that you're going through all of this. I know what you're feeling. Sometimes, I wish I had killed myself sooner, right after I became ill, so people would've remembered me at my best, happiest and kindest. Sometimes, illness can tear our relationships apart. Were you prescribed floraquinalones by any chance? Have you had any luck looking into N?

 

[Suspect_Device]

I can sort of relate to this as I can't control my bladder anymore. Even just that is leading me to CTB. You must have nerves of steel.

 

[virgilwalks]

I know words are of limited comfort but I read your post several times. You matter. Your life matters. I had a fantastic biology teacher way back when. I don't know how you're coping with all you are dealing with. You're not alone. We are here for you. Forum rules are pretty clear about not discussing sources and direct method assistance but we are here - and we hear you.

 

[Graytaichi]

Sob sob so sad. I prayed to god jehovah. But to transfer the pain to me but instead i got healed. Why why why the world had to be so cruel.