I'm genuinely so tired of everything, I always feel like I'm running behind. I lack hope for the future. I always feel guilty of my same sex attraction. I lack hope of actually finding a loving partner. I feel like I'm the dumbest in my semester, I study in the health field and I don't think people should trust on me with their lives, as I can barely take care of my own (I mean, I want to end my own)
I'm so tired of this, I want it to end, I want it to end now. I can't think straight, I might as well just jump from the sixth floor of my apartment complex (I know it's low and has a low chance of success, but I don't have any other reliable options, and I guess dealing with SI regarding jumping is easily)
My life is better than most people, but saying that to me, and saying to me that I should be grateful only makes it worse, I feel even more guilty and desire to end my life quicker
The way I was raised, the place I live, and most of the people I've ever been around and had around me have all made me feel incredibly unsafe and unaccepted and are why I remain closeted. There was a time where I was really struggling with accepting myself and my identity. I understand exactly what you mean. I had become very accepting and supportive of queer people years before I figured things out for myself... yet when I did, and the realizations/epiphanies started hitting me like fucking freight trains, I threw up. A couple times. It was world shattering. I feel guilty for reacting like that. I felt guilty for being what I am. It took a long time of introspection, learning, thinking, and interacting with other queer people before I felt confident in myself. Not just what I figured out, but for the first time in my entire life, confident as a person and who I am. I felt so much tension and stress melt away.
I think the fact that you are worried about people trusting you with their life can be a good sign. It shows that you care about them and their wellbeing. I don't think you are alone, even in that field, feeling that way. I think it can be something that drives you, makes you more empathetic, maybe even more careful. Being hyper-critical of yourself is a difficult and unpleasant thing, but far, far better than the opposite. Narcissism. Telling you to be easier on yourself isn't going to do much and doesn't change anything, but you should still do it. You're being more judgmental of yourself than you are towards other people or most people are towards you. I struggle with this.
If CTB, or attempting it, is always an option, the least you can do for yourself is accept yourself. You don't have to love everything about you, nobody is perfect, I've made horrible, horrible, unforgiveable mistakes myself... but the only person in the entire world who will ever look out for you and truly care for you, is you. People come and go, you will always be with you. I hate myself, I beat myself up a lot, I think and arguably know how worthless and pathetic I am. I choose to love the good things about myself like my love for animals, the art I love to make, and my desire to make other people happy and entertain them.
I'm going to CTB, I still hate myself, I'm still not a good person, and I still don't have much if any value, but I can do what I guess most people do and focus on the good things. I'm just another person, very few if any unique thoughts or feelings even if they are rare, so the least I can do for myself is be happy for the good things.
I don't know if this is making a whole lot of sense at this point or if it's even remotely helpful or just vacuous bullshit, but it's what I think and how I try to operate. The things that are neutral or good should be appreciated for being that, while I also accept all the bad things and do what I can to fix or change them if it's possible or feasible. Can't take back the things I've done, I can choose not to do them again. Can't magically fix my health or mental health problems, but I'm glad to have a creative mind at least. Can't force the world or people around me to be decent and not bigoted pieces of shit, but I can accept myself and love that it makes me more unique (and arguably more interesting lol) as well as the awesome communities/figures it has lead me to out of necessity.
I'm sorry that you're in pain, and it's always hard not to compare yours to that of others... but you can't do that. You just can't do that. Your pain, your experience, your situation, your circumstances, your past, your history, everything is completely different from every other human being on earth. Maybe some people have it "worse" but are thriving because they don't have the trauma, or mental health issues, or family issues, or whatever else that you don't have. Your pain is your pain, your limit is your limit. Some people are always more willing to criticize themselves and diminish their own pain and suffering when they wouldn't do that to other people. Who is the only person who will truly look after you and truly care about your well-being again? It's you. Maybe a little ironic considering the topic of CTB... but I think many people here would agree that could be considered of looking out for your own well-being.
If this existence is so agonizing for you as an individual, no matter what the circumstances are, then that's just how it is. I am very happy for people who are stronger and more capable than me. I'm glad they don't have to feel and struggle these ways. I just wish they would be empathetic towards me in return. The only person who always can be is yourself. I talk all this, but it's not like I do an amazing job at it. I'm just hoping maybe something I'm saying makes sense to someone and helps them in some way. I also hope you find some peace in some form.
