BeansOfRequirement

BeansOfRequirement

Behind the guilt was compassion
Jan 26, 2021
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I do not have a problem with you either. I just made an observation. Peace out.
Since you seem sincere, I'll gladly answer the question that I falsely believed was more of an insult at first. I am not intoxicated, but I'd love to be.
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

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Apr 2, 2020
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Since you seem sincere, I'll gladly answer the question that I falsely believed was more of an insult at first. I am not intoxicated, but I'd love to be.
It was not an insult. I post while high sometimes, I assume others do too. In fact, soon I will be posting high since I am about to roll a joint, lol.
 
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DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
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It was not an insult. I post while high sometimes, I assume others do too. In fact, soon I will be posting high since I am about to roll a joint, lol.

i guess you have in general a very unfiltered way to say what you think. i like that.
but i guess some people have a bit of a problem with this directness or are sometimes confused by it.
 
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Makko

Makko

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Jan 17, 2021
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It was not an insult. I post while high sometimes, I assume others do too. In fact, soon I will be posting high since I am about to roll a joint, lol.
I wish I could try drugs but I'm afraid it will open some wrong windows that can never again be closed.
 
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DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
1,750
I wish I could try drugs but I'm afraid it will open some wrong windows that can never again be closed.

don't know how old you are but your feeling is right about it.
i thought in my young twenties that i have everything under control. and when i noticed that i don't have any more, it was too late.
luckily i "only" had this with smoking pot. would it have been a stronger drug i think i would be already dead.

but even that did a lot of damage and maybe somehow "activated" the depression and anxiety which is widespread in my family.
 
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Makko

Makko

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Jan 17, 2021
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don't know how old you are but your feeling is right about it.
i thought in my young twenties that i have everything under control. and when i noticed that i don't have any more, it was too late.
luckily i "only" had this with smoking pot. would it have been a stronger drug i think i would be already dead.

but even that did a lot of damage and maybe somehow "activated" the depression and anxiety which is widespread in my family.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm 28. Sometimes I meet addicts in work context and it's a sad show. It's people who have no control over their lives at all. I don't want that for myself and I think I'd be vulnerable to addiction. There's very little real pleasure in my life, so if I try something that artificially puts me into euphoria, I'm never climbing out of that rabbit hole. I'll rather stick to being an anhedonic robot.
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

Visionary
Apr 2, 2020
2,404
don't know how old you are but your feeling is right about it.
i thought in my young twenties that i have everything under control. and when i noticed that i don't have any more, it was too late.
luckily i "only" had this with smoking pot. would it have been a stronger drug i think i would be already dead.

but even that did a lot of damage and maybe somehow "activated" the depression and anxiety which is widespread in my family.
I had my first joint at the age of 14, ecstasy, speed, Tramadol, benzos at the age of 16. I was a legit alcoholic at the age of 26. Opioids saved me from all that crap and made me able to function. I am proud of the fact that I wrote my Master's theses while living at my parents', drinking myself to sleep every other night and being on 5 different medication after my suicide attempt 8 years ago. I even got my degree before some people who never had mental or addiction problems.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm 28. Sometimes I meet addicts in work context and it's a sad show. It's people who have no control over their lives at all. I don't want that for myself and I think I'd be vulnerable to addiction. There's very little real pleasure in my life, so if I try something that artificially puts me into euphoria, I'm never climbing out of that rabbit hole. I'll rather stick to being an anhedonic robot.
I was an anhedonic robot for 4 years but I could not take it anymore. I would rather die than be addicted, but I do not have a valid enough reason to do it, so survival instinct prevails. I am playing with fire in relation to opioids, but Kratom seems like the best solution. I do not want to be high 24/7, but I likd zo know I have the option to escape reality without dying.
Wayfaerer's last post on this forum: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/whats-the-hardest-part-in-ctb.57588/post-1060359
i guess you have in general a very unfiltered way to say what you think. i like that.
but i guess some people have a bit of a problem with this directness or are sometimes confused by it.
I just hate double faced hypocrisy. I encounter it daily and it is a soul-cancer. Maybe I am an Aspie, who knows.
 
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DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
1,750
Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm 28. Sometimes I meet addicts in work context and it's a sad show. It's people who have no control over their lives at all. I don't want that for myself and I think I'd be vulnerable to addiction. There's very little real pleasure in my life, so if I try something that artificially puts me into euphoria, I'm never climbing out of that rabbit hole. I'll rather stick to being an anhedonic robot.

i was 18 when i started smoking pot but it really increased at about 20 and lasted for 3 or 4 years. at the end i more or less went to bed and got up in the morning with a joint.
looking back i realized i was only a stupid kid who did think he is a grown up. at age 27 for the first time i had the feeling i know a little bit what i am doing.

i guess with 28 you could try to experiment and see how it feels. you seem to be thoughtful enough and i guess it also comes with age to realize a bit more whats going on (maybe i only want to believe that ^^). and also working with addicts makes you for sure more aware of the risks.

life is always a little bit of risk to take. also every relationship to another person you start is a risk. i even avoided that for over 20 years.
but not taking any risk also won't make you feel better. it just numbs you and makes you feeling like you only exist.
being alive means also to risk a bit. and also to fail sometimes. but you can learn from this and try to make it better the next time.

but i know. most things we write here are so much easier said than done and i am also at the beginning of this journey to try to live a bit more.

edit: maybe you can try cannabidiol (cbd) - it's pretty harmless and without psychotropic thc. it's like drinking a bit of beer i would say. and it's legal in many countries afaik. but maybe it's more about taking a bit of a risk in life and less about a drug.
or you stay awake for 24hours and work 20hours of it. that produced at least for me that hardest stuff my brain ever produced.
in this state i even tried twice in my life to move a remote control with pure willpower :D

I just hate double faced hypocrisy. I encounter it daily and it is a soul-cancer. Maybe I am an Aspie, who knows.
yep. i feel the same. i also thought about being a bit aspie or something like that.

edit: wow - the wayfearer's post is really brilliant!
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

Visionary
Apr 2, 2020
2,404
i was 18 when i started smoking pot but it really increased at about 20 and lasted for 3 or 4 years. at the end i more or less went to bed and got up in the morning with a joint.
looking back i realized i was only a stupid kid who did think he is a grown up. at age 27 for the first time i had the feeling i know a little bit what i am doing.

i guess with 28 you could try to experiment and see how it feels. you seem to be thoughtful enough and i guess it also comes with age to realize a bit more whats going on (maybe i only want to believe that ^^). and also working with addicts makes you for sure more aware of the risks.

life is always a little bit of risk to take. also every relationship to another person you start is a risk. i even avoided that for over 20 years.
but not taking any risk also won't make you feel better. it just numbs you and makes you feeling like you only exist.
being alive means also to risk a bit. and also to fail sometimes. but you can learn from this and try to make it better the next time.

but i know. most things we write here are so much easier said than done and i am also at the beginning of this journey to try to live a bit more.

edit: maybe you can try cannabidiol (cbd) - it's pretty harmless and without psychotropic thc. it's like drinking a bit of beer i would say. and it's legal in many countries afaik. but maybe it's more about taking a bit of a risk in life and less about a drug.
or you stay awake for 24hours and work 20hours of it. that produced at least for me that hardest stuff my brain ever produced.
in this state i even tried twice in my life to move a remote control with pure willpower :D


yep. i feel the same. i also thought about being a bit aspie or something like that.
I never noticed you before today, but I wasn't terribly active lately. This forum became an annoyance I preferred to avoid. I actually try to be gentle here, on other mediums I am even more direct and I joke with people in a rougher way.

I also like to talk to the involuntary sexless guys on Twitter. They do not simp/ sleazily hit on women and they are honest and direct. Very intelligent too.
I like to joke around with one Muslim dude in a very politically incorrect way, but we both enjoy that. I avoid people who try to make me feel bad about anything. I gave an advice to a younger co worker I wish someone has given me - to always see herself as being in the right and not give a damn about what I or the boss say or think.
i was 18 when i started smoking pot but it really increased at about 20 and lasted for 3 or 4 years. at the end i more or less went to bed and got up in the morning with a joint.
looking back i realized i was only a stupid kid who did think he is a grown up. at age 27 for the first time i had the feeling i know a little bit what i am doing.

i guess with 28 you could try to experiment and see how it feels. you seem to be thoughtful enough and i guess it also comes with age to realize a bit more whats going on (maybe i only want to believe that ^^). and also working with addicts makes you for sure more aware of the risks.

life is always a little bit of risk to take. also every relationship to another person you start is a risk. i even avoided that for over 20 years.
but not taking any risk also won't make you feel better. it just numbs you and makes you feeling like you only exist.
being alive means also to risk a bit. and also to fail sometimes. but you can learn from this and try to make it better the next time.

but i know. most things we write here are so much easier said than done and i am also at the beginning of this journey to try to live a bit more.

edit: maybe you can try cannabidiol (cbd) - it's pretty harmless and without psychotropic thc. it's like drinking a bit of beer i would say. and it's legal in many countries afaik. but maybe it's more about taking a bit of a risk in life and less about a drug.
or you stay awake for 24hours and work 20hours of it. that produced at least for me that hardest stuff my brain ever produced.
in this state i even tried twice in my life to move a remote control with pure willpower :D

Haha, excellent! I smoke pot daily. Not proud of it, it just started a few weeks ago.

yep. i feel the same. i also thought about being a bit aspie or something like that.

edit: wow - the wayfearer's post is really brilliant!
All of his posts are brilliant. He is way smart and well-read. Literally to die for, lol.

Here is a part of his most recent message that I am comfortable sharing:

Speaking of regrets, I wish I had applied myself more when I was younger but I was mired in too much chronic dread and despair. When that was lifted for a brief time at 25, it made a world of difference! I think, what if that had been me at 19/20/21 instead of 25, who knows really but I can only think it would've made a radical difference! It's a terrible shame things had played out as they had, I feel like I had a lot of potential.

It seriously bums me out that a person of his stature had to suffer this much.
 
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DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
1,750
I never noticed you before today, but I wasn't terribly active lately. This forum became an annoyance I preferred to avoid. I actually try to be gentle here, on other mediums I am even more direct and I joke with people in a rougher way.

I also like to talk to the involuntary sexless guys on Twitter. They do not simp/ sleazily hit on women and they are honest and direct. Very intelligent too.

i noticed you already cause you seemed to have some hard fights going on here. but our ways never crossed. i also was for some time a little bit less active and i am also one of the newer "faces" here.

i also did read that some of the "older" members here complain how it goes downhill here. i guess i don't have the comparison but i must say i have so far mostly positive experiences and also met some people who became important for me.

and i think it is always a problem when communities grow and it is also a bit elitist to complain cause i guess most people really suffer even when some of it sounds a bit immature and is more trying to get attention.
maybe also a phenomenon that we feel more and more alone in this virtual connected world. as always in life the lines are thin. don't know - i guess the kratom still lets my thoughts fly around in all directions. ^^
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

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Apr 2, 2020
2,404
i noticed you already cause you seemed to have some hard fights going on here. but our ways never crossed. i also was for some time a little bit less active and i am also one of the newer "faces" here.

i also did read that some of the "older" members here complain how it goes downhill here. i guess i don't have the comparison but i must say i have so far mostly positive experiences and also met some people who became important for me.

and i think it is always a problem when communities grow and it is also a bit elitist to complain cause i guess most people really suffer even when some of it sounds a bit immature and is more trying to get attention.
maybe also a phenomenon that we feel more and more alone in this virtual connected world. as always in life the lines are thin. don't know - i guess the kratom still lets my thoughts fly around in all directions. ^^
Okay, you convinced me - I am taking my last Tramadol and ordering Kratom.

I come online for bantz (I miss needforrelief/Kramer) and to unwind. I avoid emotional vampires (most people). I was way more naive months ago and today I feel like a full adult.

I will take 3 Tramadols now, 3 in two hours. If I start feeling bad before Kratom arrives, I have Valium, L Tyrosine, Ibuprofen. I will survive.

We had a lot more fun here in the past, people were more relaxed and open. I think we are starting to build that type of community here again. Very nice to meet you.
 
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Makko

Makko

IƤ!
Jan 17, 2021
2,430
I was an anhedonic robot for 4 years but I could not take it anymore. I would rather die than be addicted, but I do not have a valid enough reason to do it, so survival instinct prevails. I am playing with fire in relation to opioids, but Kratom seems like the best solution. I do not want to be high 24/7, but I likd zo know I have the option to escape reality without dying.
Wayfaerer's last post on this forum: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/whats-the-hardest-part-in-ctb.57588/post-1060359
Your discipline with drugs is admirable. My experience is different from Wayfaerer's because there's no different life I'd rather have lived. Unlike most of what I've seen here, I'm not unhappy because I made wrong choices or suffered abuse that prevented me from getting what I want and need. There's something more fundamental. I'm missing something that the world isn't offering.
edit: maybe you can try cannabidiol (cbd) - it's pretty harmless and without psychotropic thc. it's like drinking a bit of beer i would say. and it's legal in many countries afaik. but maybe it's more about taking a bit of a risk in life and less about a drug.
or you stay awake for 24hours and work 20hours of it. that produced at least for me that hardest stuff my brain ever produced.
in this state i even tried twice in my life to move a remote control with pure willpower :D
I'll check it out. Knowing myself I'll probably not take the step, but it's worth thinking about.
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

Visionary
Apr 2, 2020
2,404
Your discipline with drugs is admirable. My experience is different from Wayfaerer's because there's no different life I'd rather have lived. Unlike most of what I've seen here, I'm not unhappy because I made wrong choices or suffered abuse that prevented me from getting what I want and need. There's something more fundamental. I'm missing something that the world isn't offering.
I get you. Yearning for an ancient homeland is what I call this feeling.
So today is my last synthetic opioid day. I am making a lifestyle change. From now on, only Kratom, pot and energy drinks. I have no appetite today. I will call this a fasting experience and not eat until tomorrow.
 
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DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
1,750
I come online for bantz (I miss needforrelief/Kramer) and to unwind. I avoid emotional vampires (most people). I was way more naive months ago and today I feel like a full adult.

We had a lot more fun here in the past, people were more relaxed and open. I think we are starting to build that type of community here again. Very nice to meet you.

one word about smoking pot cause i did read the edit to late: it made me completely paranoid. couldn't take the subway for one year cause of anxiety.

about wayfearer: i know what he means. i flushed twenty years of my life down the toilet forbidding myself to live. at least i developed my professional skills but i also feel i wasted a lot of potential. at good times i think it's still time to get some life going. but also at bad days i feel it's maybe to late. i am in a pretty 50:50 mood i guess. but at least i start to try things and changed a lot in the last three months since my last suicidal phase. the biggest change is, that i now talk with people and feel really connected for the first time in my life.

i also know this vampires. i was destroyed by one in my pothead phase back then. since then i understand the symbol of a vampire. they literally suck the life out of you. i lost myself completely back then.

i think here are still a lot of relaxed people. and i guess i might not be in such a fighting spirit as you are ^^

but anyways. also nice to meet you :)

edit: fasting maybe saved my life 2,5 years ago at my other suicidal phase. i was completely broke (cause i thought i have to corner myself to make it easier) and so i had to drink only water for 11 days. i always wanted to make it cause i did read once that it has mood lifting effects. and it had for sure this effect and it also did learn me to sometimes satisfy the desire for food with drinking water.
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

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Apr 2, 2020
2,404
one word about smoking pot cause i did read the edit to late: it made me completely paranoid. couldn't take the subway for one year cause of anxiety.

about wayfearer: i know what he means. i flushed twenty years of my life down the toilet forbidding myself to live. at least i developed my professional skills but i also feel i wasted a lot of potential. at good times i think it's still time to get some life going. but also at bad days i feel it's maybe to late. i am in a pretty 50:50 mood i guess. but at least i start to try things and changed a lot in the last three months since my last suicidal phase. the biggest change is, that i now talk with people and feel really connected for the first time in my life.

i also know this vampires. i was destroyed by one in my pothead phase back then. since then i understand the symbol of a vampire. they literally suck the life out of you. i lost myself completely back then.

i think here are still a lot of relaxed people. and i guess i might not be in such a fighting spirit as you are ^^

but anyways. also nice to meet you :)

edit: fasting maybe saved my life 2,5 years ago at my other suicidal phase. i was completely broke (cause i thought i have to corner myself to make it easier) and so i had to drink drink only water for 11 days. i always wanted to make it cause i did read once that it has mood lifting effects. and it had for sure this effect and also did learn me to sometimes satisfy the desire for food with drinking water.
Thank you so much. I will try that. I am trying to live in a more authentic, honest and direct way.
Btw in relation to health. I will have a protein shake maybe. I take Vitamins, B Complex, Magnesium, Calcium etc.
I am staying alive out of sense of duty.
Trying to live by the maxim: Honor Truth, Wage War, Have Fun.
 
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DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
1,750
Thank you so much. I will try that. I am trying to live in a more authentic, honest and direct way.
Btw in relation to health. I will have a protein shake maybe. I take Vitamins, B Complex, Magnesium, Calcium etc.
I am staying alive out of sense of duty.
Trying to live by the maxim: Honor Truth, Wage War, Have Fun.

i must say healthy food improved my life quality a lot. and i also had to do it cause with age the migraines got heavier and heavier.

i eat a lot of vegetables and fruit. nearly no meat, nearly no bread. lots of nuts, lentils. drink a lot of water. for some time also only black tea and no coffee.
i also lately started to take vitamins but i am still a bit sceptical cause i guess it's important to take the most of your vitamins with healthy food to process the energy in it better.
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

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Apr 2, 2020
2,404
I think I had 3 packs of cigarettes today.
 
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Makko

Makko

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Jan 17, 2021
2,430
I had 7 cups of green tea and the day isn't over yet.
 
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DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
1,750
I think I had 3 packs of cigarettes today.

luckily i am healed cause my body said 5 years ago even after one cigarette "fuck you - stop that shit". and i then felt sometimes for two days a bit sick.
 
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mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

mahakaliSS_MahaDurga

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Apr 2, 2020
2,404
I had 7 cups of green tea and the day isn't over yet.
I had a joint, 3 Tramadols, one Valium, one joint and three packs of cigarettes. It is the weekend, I have to sort a lot of stuff next week.
luckily i am healed cause my body said 5 years ago even after one cigarette "fuck you - stop that shit". and i then felt sometimes for two days a bit sick.
My friend almost died a year ago, had to stop drinking and doing drugs. He is 37, never had a girlfriend. Very nice dude.
My life feels bearable and managable again. Forgot that feeling. @Symbiote talking to you months ago helped me more than I was aware at the time.
Good tune for being high.
My subconscious is still suicidal. I could die now or live for another 35 years and it is just a matter of choice. I owe to those I love to stay alive.
 
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LunarPyotr

LunarPyotr

ŠŸŠ¾Ń…Š¾Ń€Š¾Š½Šø Š¼ŠµŠ½Ń Š²Š¾Š·Š»Šµ ŠœŠšŠŠ”Š°
Jul 4, 2020
495
I personally rather drink the unusual stuff when it comes to energy drinks. There's a brand called SoStoned and it has CBD/Cannabis in it. It really helps me relax and concentrate but I wouldn't drink that before driving a car. Sure, CBD doesn't make you high but when you get tested by the pigs, the test will come positive :P
That's how my friend lost his license.

Generally, I really consider to buy that CBD stuff and smoke it on regular basis since it's legal here in Germany and apparently it helps with depression
 
DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
1,750
I personally rather drink the unusual stuff when it comes to energy drinks. There's a brand called SoStoned and it has CBD/Cannabis in it. It really helps me relax and concentrate but I wouldn't drink that before driving a car. Sure, CBD doesn't make you high but when you get tested by the pigs, the test will come positive :P
That's how my friend lost his license.

Generally, I really consider to buy that CBD stuff and smoke it on regular basis since it's legal here in Germany and apparently it helps with depression

i also tried cbd. but it makes me loose focus and also sometimes gives me a weird body perception like some parts feel a bit strange - hard to describe.
 
LunarPyotr

LunarPyotr

ŠŸŠ¾Ń…Š¾Ń€Š¾Š½Šø Š¼ŠµŠ½Ń Š²Š¾Š·Š»Šµ ŠœŠšŠŠ”Š°
Jul 4, 2020
495
i also tried cbd. but it makes me loose focus and also sometimes gives me a weird body perception like some parts feel a bit strange - hard to describe.
I see. I actually bought pre-rolled CBD blunt today for 10ā‚¬ / 12usd with some CBD cookie for some reason but anyway...
I tried it and it kinda made me a little dizzy but I guess that's because that "blunt" wasn't mixed with tobacco.

I'm thinking about buying one of those "cbd flowers" and just "roll one" by myself. But I have to wait with that since I need to drive my car in 5 days for inspection : P
 
W

WornOutLife

惞惃惈
Mar 22, 2020
7,164
Energy drinks such as Monster, RedBull, and so on + alcohol help me lots.
Here in Argentina it's very typical to mix these drinks with champagne (extra brut) and vodka! Really crazy but the feeling you experience is awesome.
You should really try this @BluesRunTheGame
 
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Moose.000

Moose.000

"Everything is meaningless" ~King Solomon
Apr 10, 2021
210
I got to the point where energy drinks and coffee began having reverse effects on me. I've been chewing tobacco since 99, that helps me, by no means and I promoting it. But also I found that Kratom helps me insanely. I can be in the absolute worst mindset and a tablespoon of red bali Kratom will snap me right out it within 10 minutes. I do about 3 tablespoons a day, morning, noon and evening. It puts me in a much better mood, suppresses my negative thoughts and gives me energy. Those are pretty much my 2 crutches. Copenhagen and Kratom.
 
BluesRunTheGame

BluesRunTheGame

Blackpilled
Dec 15, 2020
1,715
Energy drinks such as Monster, RedBull, and so on + alcohol help me lots.
Here in Argentina it's very typical to mix these drinks with champagne (extra brut) and vodka! Really crazy but the feeling you experience is awesome.
You should really try this @BluesRunTheGame
Haha maybe. Although as you could probably tell from me still drinking the other morning I often find sleep the last thing I want (when I really should) even WITHOUT the energy drinks :pfff:
 
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IsThisTheEnd?

IsThisTheEnd?

Mange
Aug 6, 2020
575
these get me going Monster and others, sometimes I have them virtually first thing in the morning to get going, also ginseng powder, vitamin C drinks also have a positive effect,

the Coke Cola one if I down 3 of these ill be on a high.

I have also been kind of micro dosing on Amphetamine, very small amounts normally.

but Red Bull will make me crash hard, I also I find tea and coffee and other caffeine stuff can make me crash hard.
 
gus.nixon

gus.nixon

and now we rise and we are everywhere
Apr 19, 2020
309
Cocaine, strong opiate medication like Dilaudid, things like Ketamine. It's hard to feel bad about things when you ingest things that make you feel so good. Just saying. Although these options are all temporary, they still do the trick. If you have the resources and money, a good opiate addiction will keep you going for years I would imagine.
 
throwaway2goawy

throwaway2goawy

Member
Mar 7, 2021
52
Used to be a big energy drink consumer but they started having an effect on my body with acid reflux when I was trying to get to sleep. Swapped them for a coffee machine at home alongside buying iced coffees in the shops, bloody love them!
 

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vanillamilkshakes
vanillamilkshakes