emotional abuse from parents (rant)

[Avyn]

I find myself thinking back to everything that ever happened, no matter if I am happy, angry or sad, I keep getting flashbacks and feeling so anxious..
I try so hard to distract myself but any small thing can trigger the memories and make me break down. I know abuse isn't the victims fault, but after all I went through, it feels so hard to be happy, it feels wrong, like I don't deserve it. I have been sad for so long that happiness makes me feel uncomfortable, like something will happen in a couple hours or minutes and shatter away this feeling, making me feel depressed again. I will never be good enough, I will never have good parents i can rely on, and I will high probably stay depressed forever. There is no hope for me, I got told so many times that I'm worthless, useless, stupid, ugly, immature, disgusting, trash, that I should've been put up for adoption, that I should kill myself etc, I know emotional abuse takes a very long time to heal, and sometimes doesn't even heal at all.. Being free, happy, not depending on these humans I call parents feels so goddamn wrong. I don't know how I will ever be able to deal with these thoughts, these feelings.

I have always wanted to live like a normal person - not feeling emotionally burnt out, not feeling depressed and insecure all the time. I wanted to be truly happy, but whenever I tried, the abuse would get worse and the feeling of hopelessness would greet me again. And the worst thing is, for some reason I still feel kinda bad for my parents, especially my mom! I'm still afraid of hurting her feelings, her small little ego when she's been the reason I'm suicidal and depressed.

I have never been taken serious when I talked to my friends about this, they'd always say how my parents are so nice, and that I am entitled for complaining about them. They'd say I am using my mother as an excuse for not going outside or simple things like having freedom, when in reality I was, and still am caged between 4 walls I call my room. They would never understand, people online show more compassion and empathy than friends you have had for over 10 years. How is this even possible?? I am happy they can't relate to the way I'm getting treated, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist just because they're in a good relationship with their parents.

Schools don't even teach anything about abuse - maybe some small little details about physical abuse but there is so much more to it. I guess what matters more is learning differential equations. Why don't we get prepared for life, why can't we get offered the help we need? Why is everyone so selfish and not understanding us, the ones in so much pain?

I will soon be gone from this place, I still need some mental preparation. I am not going to cbt - but if things go horribly wrong, it makes me more comfortable and safe knowing I can just kill myself and end it all. I might be missing out on a lot of wonderful things and dreams in life, but I wouldn't be the only one. We get taught from a young age that your dreams don't matter, what matters are those marks or else you get the belt. I hope everyone on here, especially the ones that went through abuse are coping better with it than me. It is so goddamn horrible.

 

[timf]

Abuse is a difficult thing especially when it happens to a child. In addition to having negative things introduced developmentally, one has the lack of positive things. In a way it is a double handicap.

Like a car accident victim, one may never fully recover, but there is usually progress that can be made. The key to progress is a disconnection from the abuse. The person who causes the abuse needs to be avoided. However, often especially with those who were abused as children, the effects can still linger as if the abuser was still present.

When a mental or emotional disconnection is required, it can sometimes be helpful to picture a sort of cartoon image of the abuser and imagine a scenario where one does something ridiculous to the cartoon abuser. This can help create a perspective of control and build a freedom from the mental legacy created by the abuse.

Being an abuse victim is a little like being a cop, emergency room nurse, or combat veteran. Other people without these experiences have a view of life that is a little unrealistic and do not like to hear from those whose broader experiences make them feel bad.

Many abuse victims discover that they are mostly on their own to work out their recovery as best they can. It may be like the following path;

1. Get out of the abusive situation. For children this might mean asking for help from neighbors, family members, or even strangers. Sadly it can also mean waiting until you are 18.
2. Disconnect from the abuser. Create a mental realm where the abuse was in the past and chose to live mostly in the present.
3. Identify negative dynamics. Abuse victims can have self-harm or other ideation programmed into them. Identifying what these are and how they work can be a useful first step to working at replacing or modifying them.
4. Identify missing positive dynamics. A person may become reclusive to avoid negative encounters because they did not learn to trust people. The abuse victim usually knows better than most that people can be un-trustworthy. The key to learning to trust is to experiment with getting to know people and develop the skills to make assessments to protect yourself.
5. Accept control of your life. Depending on the type and degree of abuse there may be limits as to how much can be repaired. However, seeing yourself as the best person to take control and make repairs is key to going as far as you can.

A common negative dynamic is a constant revisiting of the abuse (which sort of perpetuates it). It may be helpful to construct a reflex thought so that when memories return, a thought is triggered like, "That SOB, thankfully that was in the past and he can't hurt me anymore".

 

[Sherri]

I also suffer from that, even from far away they try to control me. When I lived with them was pure hell. There was constantly mentally abuse, called me names like loser, no one, a waste of space and other things, controlled even what I ate. I will never forgive my dad, one day I said I wanted to jump from a bride and he replies "then just do it". I hate them. There's no more love or fixing among us.

 

[Avyn]

Abuse is a difficult thing especially when it happens to a child. In addition to having negative things introduced developmentally, one has the lack of positive things. In a way it is a double handicap.

Like a car accident victim, one may never fully recover, but there is usually progress that can be made. The key to progress is a disconnection from the abuse. The person who causes the abuse needs to be avoided. However, often especially with those who were abused as children, the effects can still linger as if the abuser was still present.

When a mental or emotional disconnection is required, it can sometimes be helpful to picture a sort of cartoon image of the abuser and imagine a scenario where one does something ridiculous to the cartoon abuser. This can help create a perspective of control and build a freedom from the mental legacy created by the abuse.

Being an abuse victim is a little like being a cop, emergency room nurse, or combat veteran. Other people without these experiences have a view of life that is a little unrealistic and do not like to hear from those whose broader experiences make them feel bad.

Many abuse victims discover that they are mostly on their own to work out their recovery as best they can. It may be like the following path;

1. Get out of the abusive situation. For children this might mean asking for help from neighbors, family members, or even strangers. Sadly it can also mean waiting until you are 18.
2. Disconnect from the abuser. Create a mental realm where the abuse was in the past and chose to live mostly in the present.
3. Identify negative dynamics. Abuse victims can have self-harm or other ideation programmed into them. Identifying what these are and how they work can be a useful first step to working at replacing or modifying them.
4. Identify missing positive dynamics. A person may become reclusive to avoid negative encounters because they did not learn to trust people. The abuse victim usually knows better than most that people can be un-trustworthy. The key to learning to trust is to experiment with getting to know people and develop the skills to make assessments to protect yourself.
5. Accept control of your life. Depending on the type and degree of abuse there may be limits as to how much can be repaired. However, seeing yourself as the best person to take control and make repairs is key to going as far as you can.

A common negative dynamic is a constant revisiting of the abuse (which sort of perpetuates it). It may be helpful to construct a reflex thought so that when memories return, a thought is triggered like, "That SOB, thankfully that was in the past and he can't hurt me anymore".

Thank you a lot for your response, it really help hearing this.

I also suffer from that, even from far away they try to control me. When I lived with them was pure hell. There was constantly mentally abuse, called me names like loser, no one, a waste of space and other things, controlled even what I ate. I will never forgive my dad, one day I said I wanted to jump from a bride and he replies "then just do it". I hate them. There's no more love or fixing among us.

The best thing to do imp is going no contact with them but if you wanted to do this you probably already would have. I'm still here but not for long anymore, it feels wrong to leave and "run away" from such a situation - but in such cases there's sadly nothing left to do. I'm sorry you had to go through such a hard time and that you feel better. I know it can leave scars and mental issues, keep in mind that you never deserved this and everything will get better<3

 

[LittleJem]

#estrangedfrommymum after years of abuse. I'm not well enough to make excuses any more.
It's a relief and it's sad. I know if I contacted her, she is not capable of not being abusive.

 

[Last chance]

I suffered from abuse as a child too. My step dad was physically and emotionally abusive towards me throughout my childhood and after each incident my mum would leave him and then take him back the next day. I spent my childhood avoiding him and walking on eggshells so as to not draw attention to my existence. I never realised how much of an impact it had on me,a lot of people suffer much more serious abuse,but I am 100% sure that what happened is the reason for the state Im in now and have been throughout my adult life and despite my parents being good in every other way I feel resentful and have no real attachment to them whatsoever which is something I only realised recently.

Im sorry that you feel this way about yourself,I can empathise with your misery.

 

[Meretlein]

The world would be an astronomically better place if everyone was born to sane and loving parents who tried their best.

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

I suffered from abuse as a child too. My step dad was physically and emotionally abusive towards me throughout my childhood and after each incident my mum would leave him and then take him back the next day. I spent my childhood avoiding him and walking on eggshells so as to not draw attention to my existence. I never realised how much of an impact it had on me,a lot of people suffer much more serious abuse,but I am 100% sure that what happened is the reason for the state Im in now and have been throughout my adult life and despite my parents being good in every other way I feel resentful and have no real attachment to them whatsoever which is something I only realised recently.

Im sorry that you feel this way about yourself,I can empathise with your misery.

Woah this sounds like my father who is just now reentering my life, somedays he is okay but other days you are walking on eggshells... trying to hide from him whenever I rarely visit him... I always have this eerie feeling he will get violent with me one day. Like a gut feeling. I can't understand a family who abuses their own family.