i am so close to giving up. so close. i have no desire to do anything anymore. i just want to lay in my bed forever. everything is so tiresome, so fucking tiresome. i have no hope of achieving happiness anymore. i stopped cutting myself because i don't need that relief anymore, i don't need something to keep myself going forward, because i'm not going to anymore. i just want to die, i want to be transferred to a different universe, where something is different and i am happy. i don't even know what to change in my life to make myself happy. i have no idea. i tried, i swear. i really fucking tried to be happy. i'm hopeless, alone and completely and utterly miserable, from the cells of the sole of my feet to the cells of my hair, i am fucking miserable miserable miserable miserable and i want to fucking DIE. i just wish i could get drugs. i wish. i tried finding anything around my house that could get me high, i took a bunch of meds to see if i would feel anything, nothing works. nothing. holy shit.
i am really sorry for all of those around me. they never deserved this, but i never chose to be like this either, and i never managed to change, even though i tried. i think it's for the best though. they'll be sad for a while, but at the end of the day my company is a burden for any person in this world, so they'll be better in the long run.
i have no idea what happiness feels like anymore. last time i was happy was in my childhood, and that feels like a lifetime ago, so i can't recall that feeling anymore.
do we owe other people our lives? not in the sense of *dying* for them, but in the sense of *living* for them. it is selfish to kill yourself even though people love you, of course. but is it not selfish as well to expect people to live in pain? i do acknowledge that i am biased because of my depression, and that i am very much a hypocrite, since i wouldn't want someone that i love to kill theirselves if they were depressed, even though i want to commit suicide for the same reason. i am the personification of selfishness.
i've had this void inside of me for a while, and i never managed to get rid of it, or figure out why it was there in the first place. i slowly watched it consume every inch of joy, happiness and any other kind of good feeling i could have. these past 6 years can be summed up to me trying to fill this hole in my chest.
i am really sorry for all of those around me. they never deserved this, but i never chose to be like this either, and i never managed to change, even though i tried. i think it's for the best though. they'll be sad for a while, but at the end of the day my company is a burden for any person in this world, so they'll be better in the long run.
i have no idea what happiness feels like anymore. last time i was happy was in my childhood, and that feels like a lifetime ago, so i can't recall that feeling anymore.
do we owe other people our lives? not in the sense of *dying* for them, but in the sense of *living* for them. it is selfish to kill yourself even though people love you, of course. but is it not selfish as well to expect people to live in pain? i do acknowledge that i am biased because of my depression, and that i am very much a hypocrite, since i wouldn't want someone that i love to kill theirselves if they were depressed, even though i want to commit suicide for the same reason. i am the personification of selfishness.
i've had this void inside of me for a while, and i never managed to get rid of it, or figure out why it was there in the first place. i slowly watched it consume every inch of joy, happiness and any other kind of good feeling i could have. these past 6 years can be summed up to me trying to fill this hole in my chest.
