I don't exactly understand why, having all the resources like the PPH on the forum, people prefer to ask random strangers here. I mean asking people in the internet which smartphone or laptop to buy can be a pretty unwise idea, and people here keep asking if, and how, should they unalive themselves!
I think this place is for reasonable, rational adults who make the decisions themselves. Please be a rational adult (it's okay to ask about the details but not the "what should I do" sort of stuff), or seek help. I'm sorry that you feel so bad. If indeed ctb is a right option for you, you will find plenty of resources here. But I don't think it's okay to ask others to decide for you.