drugs keeping me here

[LongForWordlessSong]

im genuinely debating right now whether i should ctb right now or enjoy one last night of drinking wine and smoking weed
i have cravings to do these things but theres another thing in my life that just makes me feel this unbearable agony and loss and shame
this keeps happening and i remain alive, if i didnt have beer, wine, and weed i wouldve already killed myself
can anyone else relate? I feel like a fucking coward or something, how can i be in so much pain and know logically how to end it but still have cravings to do druggo shit
im also scared because my SN isnt brand new and I have no way to get an anti emetic
i just want to feel differently i absolutely hate how things are no since what my ex girlfriend did to me

 

[theboy]

what happened with your ex-girlfriend?

 

[Z-A]

Same boat, almost. I'm on daily drugs stabilising my mood and anxiety/panic. Mainly Xanax, like holding my hand on the edge of a cliff. Basically external chemicals doing what my body should normally do by itself.