jjnsjso44458
Member
- Feb 23, 2024
- 11
I feel hopeless. I visited home recently and saw my family and felt guilty for wanting to end my life so bad. My dog recently died and my mom was an emotional wreck. It's been a month and she tears up when talking about him. I miss him a a lot as well. We cremated him and keep his ashes in an urn in the house. When my mom left the room I opened the urn to see what his ashes look like, just out of some morbid curiosity I guess. I started crying once I saw his ashes not just because I was grieving, but also I imagined myself as those ashes, just cremated. I've been suicidal since thirteen years old, and have felt hopeless each growing day. I stopped talking about it with my family since I don't want to worry them, especially my mom. I've been getting better hiding it. Everyone thinks I'm better especially since I started back up on medication, but every day I still feel hopeless and stuck. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a nightmare. It's been getting especially more difficult since thinking about those ashes and how I can end up like that. This may be horrible to think about but I wish my family hated me and I that I have no one. Don't get me wrong - I'm immensely grateful for the love my family has for me, but I also feel unworthy and guilty for these feelings. Guess I just wanted to vent on here since this is the only place I can do that. I feel like I just need a little trigger and will end it all. I've always secretly wanted someone close to me to just tell me to end it all already since that will give me a push. I hate feeling like this and don't know how much more I can take.
