Venting Don't know how to live life.

[Lunarian]

I've been a neet for the last 7 years living with my mom and I don't know how to fix my life or even live anymore. I can barely focus on doing things during the day. I'm just so tired all the time I can't focus on improving myself or try to learn skills to create a career. I don't have any skills or passion and I have no faith in myself in anything and ever improving in anything. I couldn't even do simple jobs because of how lacking I am in mental strength and my intense fear of other humans and the outside. I was learning how to draw in the past year but I've gotten so exhausted I can't put in effort in learning and I can't even finish a picture. I'd like to try uni again but I know I'll fail again, don't even have a clue what I would study, anything that could make money I'm hopeless at and have no interest in. It's not like I can tank a career in something I'm not interested because I'm just borderline brain-dead at tasks. I'm just so worthless at everything I can't do anything; it's like my brain has fractured and can't be repaired. I've been diagnosed with the usual major depression, adhd, autism mixture. I take adderall to try to do things but it's still worthless and I've tried therapy and battery of antidepressants and am taking mood stabilizers to no relief. It's just literally over. In American society once you fall behind and stumble it's over for you. Not to mention if you're at all neurodiverse or suffer from mental illness it's really the end. I don't even have the courage to kill myself and I'm so afraid of dying too no matter how much I want to never have been born or exist anymore. I just hope one day I've had enough and I have to courage to die and be at peace and leave the world in a better state with me dead.

 

[s00ngone]

I believe the world wouldn't be in a better state without you. I understand wanting to be at peace, though, and feeling irreparable. I'm glad you've been learning to draw. That's a skill, and not something anyone can ever take away from you, dead or alive. I know the NEET lifestyle well (despite currently having a job, I'm practically NEET-ing through life myself), and I also know how heavy the days weigh on weary shoulders, one after another.

You're not worthless, Lunarian; being tired has no bearing on your worth. I know that's not how you feel or the message you must be getting from the world. I'm sorry. For different reasons, I feel like my brain has fractured too, and I float along like foam on the water, ready to dissolve. I have no words of hope or advice. I hear you, though.

 

[livershapedbox]

I'm in pretty much the same situation, too tired to do anything most of the time from depression. In my case I find that it's easier to do things when they are made into a habit, and starting to do something is usually the hardest part, maybe try to do something kinda productive for a bit to start with?

 

[Crow_88]

Same thing. Almost exactly. I worked probably over 40 jobs in my life and nothing stuck. Then I started getting fired for being incompetent or frustrated at how bad I was at things. Now I'm just bored inside every day. It's terrible. I also suffer from Agoraphobia and it is the worst.

 

[LostHighway]

You sound SO much like me when I was depressed. It was the worst feeling. I was insecure like you as well. I felt inept and exhausted. What antidepressants have you tried? Celexa helped me immensely. You may find relief getting Ketamine infusions. They saved my friend's life. Creating a meaningful life starts with baby steps. It sounds like you're deeply in a state of self-victimization. I've been there. And if you see yourself as a victim, it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. Focus right now on the things you love. What brings you some joy? Art? START DRAWING. Music? Go to a free outdoor concert. Nature? Go on a hike. Food? Try a new recipe. TV? Binge watch a new show. Spend time with people who care about you. Ask them questions about their lives. What are their struggles, hopes and dreams? Get outside of yourself. The more you learn about yourself the more you'll see what you want to study in school. And remember the words of Maya Angelou: "We teach people how to treat us." So, be aware of how you come across to people. Because they will treat you that way. The more you start caring for others and doing things you love, the more the world will open up to you.