I'm tired of the in-between. You either get busy living or you get busy dying

[hughmun9]

"You either get busy living or you get busy dying" - I think I take that quote way too literally. To me it means it's best to either put all your effort towards living, or alternatively put all your effort towards dying. The in-between is so so painful to navigate. I hate just existing. I miss the period of my life when I was working towards an ideal, working to make it all better. I was at least engaged and hopeful.

That being said I think there is value in a certain kind of surrender as well. Not quite giving up, but not necessarily 'pushing' all the time either. I'm not very good at that type of living, but perhaps I need to learn how to do that. Maybe it's just not for me. I don't know anymore.

I know that I've been living in the in-between for at least 7 months now and I want to rip my hair out. I want to try again. But every time I get up I just see how much effort it takes, and I collapse so quickly... CTB-ing just seems like the much more attractive option when compared to trying again. I've been in the 'pushing' mode all my life, maybe my mind just can't take that sort of fight any longer. Maybe that's why I had a psychotic episode to begin with.

The only thing that comes to my mind is to take it easier and to rely on outside help more. To try to find people. To push less and surrender more. Small steps. Go outside, eat a little bit more. Talk a little bit more. And trust that if I just let life develop, if I just give it another chance, something might come of it

 

[Lamentice]

I remember that line in Shawshank. I envy the ambition you hold, even if you can't find the energy right now, I hope it comes back to you with some rest You might be burnt out.

 

[hughmun9]

Thank you. But recently I'm starting to think that I'm just pretending to be ambitious. Running around, scattered about, expending energy fighting in my head. Playfighting for the sake of being able to claim to not have 'given up'. If I were truly fighting I would be facing my fears head on, particularly the evidence of my limitations and actually adapt my life-plan with them in mind. But I'm so so stubborn I don't want to give up the ideal of what I want in life so I get stuck.

It's actually so lame. I tried to do something with my life. I failed, but instead of taking the information about how it went, realise what I can and cannot do and run with it, I want to try again, the same exact way instead. Because I can't let go of the expectations I have of my own abilities. I can't seem to adapt to life. I'd almost rather die in real life than make the adaptations. I seem to have some fixed expectations of what a human being should be able to do and I don't fit within those expectations.

 

[retstardeda$$hole]

I kinda feel you. I have been planning everything today about how I will be ctb and it somehow made me feel euphoric and made me reconsider not ctb. Maybe it is slightly worth it to see how you end up as?