Venting my 4th attempt at living

[kurikaesu]

the day before yesterday i was testing out how i'll be hanging myself and even though i never felt like i was becoming unconscious, the whole thing told me all i needed to know about the "prospect" of living. i resigned from trying to live the instant i started working out the kinks of tying the knots and making sure i had a good physical support for a partial hanging.

then i made the stupid mistake of telling an online friend about it the next day (yesterday). i have a funny history with this sort of thing, i just can't keep it to myself i guess - like i almost want to boast about the achievement i just made. but ofc no one will be happy upon hearing their friend of 6 years is going to off their self in the following week or two.

i just excused it as boasting but in convo i told them it was to notify them that i might either be in a mental hospital or dead, if i don't message for a couple days. after that though, the real reason for telling them was as apparent as the sun is in the sky - i still wanted a to find a way to live. which isn't a new concept lol, but to me it was notable how quickly i gave up, only to then have tears streaming down my face as i tried to sleep, thinking of the pain i'd cause them and others. sometimes i try to rationalize it and say "the pain i experience now is the same they'll experience after" but if thats true, then they'll be driven to suicide as well, and thats clearly unfavorable in many ways.

i wish i could stop ranting to my online friends, but i do that because talking IRL is petrifying. anytime i'm asked about that sorta thing i avoid the question and try to change the subject but online it feels like it's the only thing i talk about, about how depressed i am, and that creates it's own problems and reasons for me die more.

yesterday i suggested to that friend about going to a mental hospital. i'm very aware of the reputation they have, and know a handful of people who've went and shared their experiences with me. it may be bad or uncomfortable, but it feels like the only thing that could have even the slightest chance at helping me, other than guilt (i'm not always feeling the love so it's easy for me to forget guilt when i'm upset, which is why i often cry over it the most). as long as i can talk to staff at the hospital about my problems, i consider it a win no matter how bad the conditions. i tried therapy once but i had a big issue with properly getting my thoughts out when i was on the spot, which was because of a variety of problems i could consider to be fixed in an environment like a mental hospital.

the hardest part of it is the fact that my family (whom i live with) and friends, will end up knowing how bad it is, if i were to go to a hospital. like i said i can't talk to IRL friends or family too easily, there's like a physical restraint on my voice to prevent embarrassing myself, so to then have to actually come forward with that shit and admit i need help, and ask for a roundabout way of treatment that isn't therapy, is simply wack. especially since my sister has already went once and i saw very clearly how much that affected people like my mother, despite her visit being an accident. i wish i could simply say "fuck you, this is what i need" and not worry about judgement, but i obviously don't have that confidence within myself.

i guess i'll give it my "last attempt at living" - which i've already had 3 of this year. i was going so good last week too, it was almost surreal how high my spirits were and here i am now, confirming if a shoelace tied to my neck from the doorknob of my closet is a viable option.

 

[timf]

Thee can be a degree of distortion when a focus in life narrows to amplify suicide as an option. One can find that friends become alarmed. This can generate a feeling of importance, but then fade as friends become used to these statements. This can actually increase a feeling of isolation.

Sometimes one can focus so much on what one is not getting from others that life seems empty and unrewarding. However, much of life consists of what we do for others. By showing a sincere interest in those around us, we also supply them with much of what they need to continue as well as maintaining thee connections that support us.

It is important for you to give yourself credit for what you do for others and that this is also part of life that can be undervalued.

 

[infinitanocte]

Seeing what you wrote, I thought for a moment and wondered what I'd feel and do if an online friend told me that they were planning on ctb soon. Of course, I've already fallen out of touch with most of them so that's unlikely, but I felt conflicted thinking about my selfish desire to preserve my own emotions and maintain my connection to them as well as the irresponsibility of only encouraging someone to live without offering any real support or help when they may be suffering. I feel strongly that I should follow what is right, but I don't know what's right.

I'm not sure what the problems you speak of are that make it difficult for you to speak in therapy and would make it easier to do so in a mental hospital, or I might suggest that perhaps more sessions and getting used to it might help you. Otherwise, you could also try doing some writing or notes before a session to have something to refer to while speaking, which might take some pressure off of you and make things easier/smoother.

As for how much it would affect your family if you were to go to the mental hospital, I do think that your death would affect them even more.

I hear you when you say you feel like you can only talk with online friends about your struggles, but also feel the need to avoid talking about being depressed with others and being worried about it becoming your "personality." For me, it has been hard to avoid thinking of myself as essentially being mentally ill, neurotic, or otherwise fundamentally having issues. But there's some part of me that believes that this isn't how I have always been or would have been, that this must be caused by something. And to an extent, I do believe that's true (even if sometimes I still think that there must simply be something wrong with me).

This may not be applicable to you, but I notice how I become easily triggered by the actions, words or tone of my family sometimes and the way I'm treated. It brings me back to when I was a child and it makes me realize that things actually aren't always the same inside me, but that it depends on what's going on outside me. This may seem unrelated, but the past two years I noticed that I lost my cravings for sugar and sweets. I realized just today that that's probably related to my change in environment and mental state—as a kid and teenager, I yearned for sweets that would comfort me and soothe me when I was depressed, upset, or stressed and tired. But because I had been doing better for a while until something triggered me, I couldn't figure out why I no longer craved sweets. Getting thrown back into my old mood, I actually wanted to eat sweets again for the first time in a long time.

That's a somewhat longwinded way for me to ask you, is there really nothing that you can change? Which is honestly an arrogant question for me to ask, knowing nothing about you and your situation, but I ask out of care and curiosity, seeing that you said you're here, looking for a way to live again. I, too, might want that. You don't seem ready to give up. I think it can be hard to heal and live in places and with people who have hurt us. But if that's not related to your situation at all, then feel free to forget what I've said.

Sending my blessings to you! I would be glad if you had a slightly better day tomorrow. And the day after that, and after that, too.

 

[kurikaesu]

Seeing what you wrote....

i have extreme hatred towards my self with insecurity and uncertainty over everything. this why i assume therapy didn't end up working. if i were to get better i'd need something much less personal and (somewhat) forced upon me to get over it, which is why i suggested a mental hospital as a form of treatment. i want to get better, but i'd consider my situation to be too urgent to wait for the effects of therapy to properly kick in, and i can't nearly be as open about topics regarding my methods or plans to die without being thrust into a mental hospital anyway. would it be a bad idea to call/text a hotline? or something similar? i'm in a pessimistic mood writing this, so a part of me considers it all useless, no matter what i do.

and a way to make things around me change? i'm not sure. i loved your analogy with the sweets thing tho! i had the idea of almost completely withdrawing from friends and family but it's wildly unrealistic for my current circumstance, and i don't truly crave loneliness like that. i want to live aaandd get better emotionally, and not be ruined after every interaction with someone, which isn't really solved by isolation.

sorry if i may have ended up missing the point you were making. can you believe it took me about 2 hours to come up with this response? lmao. i understand what you mean by "hard to not view myself as essentially mentally ill,neurotic, etc" and i come to the same sort of thought process as well. knowing what thoughts of mine are real vs fake would aid tremendously in recovery

 

[infinitanocte]

i have extreme.....

Hi, sorry it took me a while to respond. I think I can understand your reasoning for the mental hospital after you explained it, for sure. I think that if you're specifically struggling with the suicidal ideation, a suicide hotline would be best. Otherwise, other mental health crisis hotlines could also be helpful. I'm not sure where you're based, but the key thing to keep in mind is that most times, they won't call the police on you, unless you are actively planning and have the plan ready to enact. They have a duty to try to protect you if you are actively at risk of endangering yourself. So I would consider and navigate that part carefully, especially if you're trying to stay lowkey or of course, just avoid unwanted encounters with the police.
Sometimes you never know what kind of effect other people or things can have on you, just like you don't know what kind of effect you may have on other people. When I'm in a certain state of mind, I also find it hard to believe anything could possible help or be useful at all, too, though. I don't always respond to people's forum posts, even when I do read them. But I was curious when I read yours, introspective, and a little hopeful for you. So, even though you may not have known, you had an effect on me.

As for how to make things change, sometimes even little changes may make a difference. Depending on what your situation is like and who's around you, it might not necessarily be helpful for you to completely isolate yourself (and you mentioned you're not really interested in that, either). I wonder if what might be beneficial is if you had the opportunity to have more, positive interactions with others, rather than withdraw. Sometimes when I'm really depressed, I get the urge to completely isolate myself and run away from everyone and everything. I feel stifled and just want to abandon and give up on everything. Maybe that's something similar for you?

I don't think you really missed any point at all! It's whatever you take or think about. There may not really be any right or wrong when it comes to what you think and feel. Rather, there may be thoughts and actions that are more helpful or less helpful for goals you may have. For example, sometimes when I'm anxious and I keep thinking about the same things that make me anxious instead of trying to redirect my energy slightly, or when I tell myself that I must, by essence, be a certain way or a certain person, which in a way, limits myself to being a certain person or way, instead of allowing myself to be more free or explore.

Thank you for taking the time to think and respond to me, I appreciate it :) Sometimes it takes a while to think through and digest things. I often find myself reflecting and revising my words, too.