3spiral
౷
- Apr 22, 2026
- 129
hello, these are just personal reasons to live i want to write so that i can remember them every time i feel sad. i'm not actively suicidal, i only get suicidal ideation sometimes so that's more a way of calming down those thoughts instead of ruminating in negativity, which is something i tend to do a LOT. i just feel like i'm not caring enough about a specific issue if i can't feel it deeply. idk why
even if i'm making them public they are for myself only so you might not see any meaning in those things and they might not work for you, but whatever you're going through, i wish you well and hope you can find your way to recovery too
1. death is irreversible and inevitable
if it will happen eventually, i don't need to speed up the process. i will have peace, eventually, but right now i'm here
basically procrastinating my own death, it's the one thing i'm good at
2. death is more insignificant than life
it is true that the whole universe doesn't care about how i'm alive, but it would be an even smaller event if i died. all funerals are the same, with another sad family among so many sad families that lost someone over the whole course of humanity. my life might be similar to many others, but at least its not a religious cerimony. while i'm alive, i can still walk on the streets and do the smallest change such as saying hello to someone passing by... actually i can't do that specifically but maybe something else at the same level of "small", like drawing garfield on the school floor
3. i will never be able to experience anything ever again
sure, i will never be sad again, and i'm sad most of the times, but that's why the good moments stand out so much. and there are more simple things i don't want to stop experiencing
if i die, i will never be able to hug someone ever again; i will never be able to get the feeling of caring deeply about something ever again; i will never get absorbed by an idea ever again; i will never learn something new ever again; i will never see a cute animal ever again; i will never experience a funny moment ever again; i will never lay in the sun and appreciate nature ever again...
these might be really silly but... if being able to get any of these feelings "one last time" is enough to keep living then so be it
4. other people, i guess
my life is probably more significant than it feels on the inside. i don't exist only inside myself, there's a whole outside world too of people who might not know me very well or even find me kind of weird and avoidable, but who still see me every day, and it would be weird if i simply disappeared. and... of course... friends and family... but i get a little bit uncomfortable thinking that people might be *too sad* about *me*
what i'm trying to say is, there might be a whole human being outside myself that is formed only by how others perceive it, and i'm in control of what happens to that human being. so if thinking that my life feels pointless, then i will at least try to think of that human being as a solution. the outside world isn't filled with my insecurities afterall
5. there are other aspects to life besides the ones i'm bad at
i think i'm useless and i suck at so many things and i feel guilty and undesirable most of the times. i wish i could be less of a problem to my family, i wish i was better to my friends, i wish i could talk to other people
i can never explain how, i just know there's something wrong with me because other people seem to share many similarities that i don't have. i just don't know how to tell them that or which ones are these, it's more of a feeling i get all the time
and that makes me want to punish and punish and punish myself, and then disappear
but none of these things are capable of shaping a whole individual's life, and i'm that individual. there are... probably things i'm good at. even if i might suck at expressing them, they are there. they exist. and i can enjoy them in my own presence
6. killing yourself is actually kinda hard
jst too much work.
anyways those were the reasons i'm still alive please don't bully me thanks
even if i'm making them public they are for myself only so you might not see any meaning in those things and they might not work for you, but whatever you're going through, i wish you well and hope you can find your way to recovery too
1. death is irreversible and inevitable
if it will happen eventually, i don't need to speed up the process. i will have peace, eventually, but right now i'm here
basically procrastinating my own death, it's the one thing i'm good at
2. death is more insignificant than life
it is true that the whole universe doesn't care about how i'm alive, but it would be an even smaller event if i died. all funerals are the same, with another sad family among so many sad families that lost someone over the whole course of humanity. my life might be similar to many others, but at least its not a religious cerimony. while i'm alive, i can still walk on the streets and do the smallest change such as saying hello to someone passing by... actually i can't do that specifically but maybe something else at the same level of "small", like drawing garfield on the school floor
3. i will never be able to experience anything ever again
sure, i will never be sad again, and i'm sad most of the times, but that's why the good moments stand out so much. and there are more simple things i don't want to stop experiencing
if i die, i will never be able to hug someone ever again; i will never be able to get the feeling of caring deeply about something ever again; i will never get absorbed by an idea ever again; i will never learn something new ever again; i will never see a cute animal ever again; i will never experience a funny moment ever again; i will never lay in the sun and appreciate nature ever again...
these might be really silly but... if being able to get any of these feelings "one last time" is enough to keep living then so be it
4. other people, i guess
my life is probably more significant than it feels on the inside. i don't exist only inside myself, there's a whole outside world too of people who might not know me very well or even find me kind of weird and avoidable, but who still see me every day, and it would be weird if i simply disappeared. and... of course... friends and family... but i get a little bit uncomfortable thinking that people might be *too sad* about *me*
what i'm trying to say is, there might be a whole human being outside myself that is formed only by how others perceive it, and i'm in control of what happens to that human being. so if thinking that my life feels pointless, then i will at least try to think of that human being as a solution. the outside world isn't filled with my insecurities afterall
5. there are other aspects to life besides the ones i'm bad at
i think i'm useless and i suck at so many things and i feel guilty and undesirable most of the times. i wish i could be less of a problem to my family, i wish i was better to my friends, i wish i could talk to other people
i can never explain how, i just know there's something wrong with me because other people seem to share many similarities that i don't have. i just don't know how to tell them that or which ones are these, it's more of a feeling i get all the time
and that makes me want to punish and punish and punish myself, and then disappear
but none of these things are capable of shaping a whole individual's life, and i'm that individual. there are... probably things i'm good at. even if i might suck at expressing them, they are there. they exist. and i can enjoy them in my own presence
6. killing yourself is actually kinda hard
jst too much work.
anyways those were the reasons i'm still alive please don't bully me thanks
