Help I'm not sure if going inpatient/to the hospital is the right decision

[peekychu]

Recently my suicidality has been getting more and more serious. However it's not impulsive and I don't really feel like I'm in a crisis like I have been during previous attempts and hospitalizations. I'm in a partial hospitalization program but I'm definitely concerning them. I just don't know if it's worth it or even necessary for me to go to the hospital. It just feels like I want attention for something that isn't going to change. It's like there are two separate parts of me. One is logical and knows what I'm currently experiencing will eventually get better with time. However the other part of me is emotional and just so tired of dealing with this. I don't know anymore and it scares me. I might call the crisis number in my area but I'm nervous about doing that.

 

[timf]

One might look at suicide as two paths. One might be called event driven. These are situations of intense emotional pain such as the death of a child or a sudden reversal such as the loss of a career, or home. While intense, this condition can pass and recovery progress.

Less well appreciated is the less intense drift. A person can consider suicide for a long time (even many years). It can be seen as a contingency plan and even come to be a welcome and soothing thought. In a way this is also dangerous because a person's thought can narrow to a point where suicide is not only attractive, but seems inevitable.

For people of the drift path effective help may come from longer term therapy to learn the skills to take greater control of one's life. If one comes to a point where life is whatever happens to them, they are at the mercy of forces they do not control. By finding ways and developing skills to control one's environment one can push back against drift.