kurikaesu
blue period
- Mar 15, 2026
- 17
the day before yesterday i was testing out how i'll be hanging myself and even though i never felt like i was becoming unconscious, the whole thing told me all i needed to know about the "prospect" of living. i resigned from trying to live the instant i started working out the kinks of tying the knots and making sure i had a good physical support for a partial hanging.
then i made the stupid mistake of telling an online friend about it the next day (yesterday). i have a funny history with this sort of thing, i just can't keep it to myself i guess - like i almost want to boast about the achievement i just made. but ofc no one will be happy upon hearing their friend of 6 years is going to off their self in the following week or two.
i just excused it as boasting but in convo i told them it was to notify them that i might either be in a mental hospital or dead, if i don't message for a couple days. after that though, the real reason for telling them was as apparent as the sun is in the sky - i still wanted a to find a way to live. which isn't a new concept lol, but to me it was notable how quickly i gave up, only to then have tears streaming down my face as i tried to sleep, thinking of the pain i'd cause them and others. sometimes i try to rationalize it and say "the pain i experience now is the same they'll experience after" but if thats true, then they'll be driven to suicide as well, and thats clearly unfavorable in many ways.
i wish i could stop ranting to my online friends, but i do that because talking IRL is petrifying. anytime i'm asked about that sorta thing i avoid the question and try to change the subject but online it feels like it's the only thing i talk about, about how depressed i am, and that creates it's own problems and reasons for me die more.
yesterday i suggested to that friend about going to a mental hospital. i'm very aware of the reputation they have, and know a handful of people who've went and shared their experiences with me. it may be bad or uncomfortable, but it feels like the only thing that could have even the slightest chance at helping me, other than guilt (i'm not always feeling the love so it's easy for me to forget guilt when i'm upset, which is why i often cry over it the most). as long as i can talk to staff at the hospital about my problems, i consider it a win no matter how bad the conditions. i tried therapy once but i had a big issue with properly getting my thoughts out when i was on the spot, which was because of a variety of problems i could consider to be fixed in an environment like a mental hospital.
the hardest part of it is the fact that my family (whom i live with) and friends, will end up knowing how bad it is, if i were to go to a hospital. like i said i can't talk to IRL friends or family too easily, there's like a physical restraint on my voice to prevent embarrassing myself, so to then have to actually come forward with that shit and admit i need help, and ask for a roundabout way of treatment that isn't therapy, is simply wack. especially since my sister has already went once and i saw very clearly how much that affected people like my mother, despite her visit being an accident. i wish i could simply say "fuck you, this is what i need" and not worry about judgement, but i obviously don't have that confidence within myself.
i guess i'll give it my "last attempt at living" - which i've already had 3 of this year. i was going so good last week too, it was almost surreal how high my spirits were and here i am now, confirming if a shoelace tied to my neck from the doorknob of my closet is a viable option.
then i made the stupid mistake of telling an online friend about it the next day (yesterday). i have a funny history with this sort of thing, i just can't keep it to myself i guess - like i almost want to boast about the achievement i just made. but ofc no one will be happy upon hearing their friend of 6 years is going to off their self in the following week or two.
i just excused it as boasting but in convo i told them it was to notify them that i might either be in a mental hospital or dead, if i don't message for a couple days. after that though, the real reason for telling them was as apparent as the sun is in the sky - i still wanted a to find a way to live. which isn't a new concept lol, but to me it was notable how quickly i gave up, only to then have tears streaming down my face as i tried to sleep, thinking of the pain i'd cause them and others. sometimes i try to rationalize it and say "the pain i experience now is the same they'll experience after" but if thats true, then they'll be driven to suicide as well, and thats clearly unfavorable in many ways.
i wish i could stop ranting to my online friends, but i do that because talking IRL is petrifying. anytime i'm asked about that sorta thing i avoid the question and try to change the subject but online it feels like it's the only thing i talk about, about how depressed i am, and that creates it's own problems and reasons for me die more.
yesterday i suggested to that friend about going to a mental hospital. i'm very aware of the reputation they have, and know a handful of people who've went and shared their experiences with me. it may be bad or uncomfortable, but it feels like the only thing that could have even the slightest chance at helping me, other than guilt (i'm not always feeling the love so it's easy for me to forget guilt when i'm upset, which is why i often cry over it the most). as long as i can talk to staff at the hospital about my problems, i consider it a win no matter how bad the conditions. i tried therapy once but i had a big issue with properly getting my thoughts out when i was on the spot, which was because of a variety of problems i could consider to be fixed in an environment like a mental hospital.
the hardest part of it is the fact that my family (whom i live with) and friends, will end up knowing how bad it is, if i were to go to a hospital. like i said i can't talk to IRL friends or family too easily, there's like a physical restraint on my voice to prevent embarrassing myself, so to then have to actually come forward with that shit and admit i need help, and ask for a roundabout way of treatment that isn't therapy, is simply wack. especially since my sister has already went once and i saw very clearly how much that affected people like my mother, despite her visit being an accident. i wish i could simply say "fuck you, this is what i need" and not worry about judgement, but i obviously don't have that confidence within myself.
i guess i'll give it my "last attempt at living" - which i've already had 3 of this year. i was going so good last week too, it was almost surreal how high my spirits were and here i am now, confirming if a shoelace tied to my neck from the doorknob of my closet is a viable option.
