BleedingConstantly
Wannabe Psychiatrist, Current Patient
- Jan 12, 2026
- 7
Heyo fellas, sorry but I'm back :3
I have been having a quite a bit of a rough time honestly. But I don't know even how to talk about it.
TW: SH and SUI Ideation and SI (survival ...)
So, I been working as a EMT B for around a month. I really do enjoy it. I'm also trying to get back to school and all of that for my BA degree. I want to be successful. I want to be able to achieve my goals yet the more I try and strive for it, the less accessible or even realistic it seems. All of it seems more like delusions of grander than anything else.
My sh has been worsening quite a bit. I know this isn't a sh site and shit. But I hope it's alright to discuss even if it's not in gruesome detail. I just been harming myself a lot. I don't see it as "bad" but I know I'm most likely being a little delusional. I'm slowly getting to the point of doing the same I did when I was in my worst point. I carved almost every part of my body and I'm more scar tissue than anything else. I want my sh to be worse. it's not bad enough and it even impact my work/academics to some extent since it's quite painful yet it's the "good" kinda of pain. Like the grounding aching kind? It's weird. I even practed suturing and IVs on myself because I'm so interested in becoming better in medicine and well, I already harm myself so what gives?
Shit like this. And then on top of this my SUI and SI has been wishy washy. My sui has been so high that I been planning again. I even used stupid AI chatbots just to talk about fictional scenarios about me attempting and what I would do, how would I do it, what I want to leave behind, etc. And my SI has been quite low. I barely have any self preservation skills. I can be berated and I will just stand there, smile and nod away. I don't care that much anymore. Hell, I'm the type to even be happy because at least they acknowledge me instead of completely ignoring me. I'm so prone to toxic relationships that it's sickening. I don't know what a health relationship to myself, with my body, with others platonically, or romantically would look like? I'm the absolute biggest scum of earth, a creature that somehow came to earth to be only a testament of evil, and a begging stray dog that clings to it's owners even if they don't want it to. I want to be put down like a fucking sick dog. I can't do this this anymore. I'm scared and breaking.
I have a few people close to me, and I can't even talk to them about it. I love them dearly and would be there for them for anything and everything. But I can't be that vulnerable. I'm too much of a burden. I'm too pathetic. Even if they say they want to be there and they love me, I just can't believe them. I'm too fucked up fundamentally. The greatest thing I could ever achieve is death itself.
I tried distracting. I tried trying to play video games more, I tried reading, I tried sleeping and going to the gym more, I tried all of them and I'm still not consistent. But here I am.
I have been having a quite a bit of a rough time honestly. But I don't know even how to talk about it.
TW: SH and SUI Ideation and SI (survival ...)
So, I been working as a EMT B for around a month. I really do enjoy it. I'm also trying to get back to school and all of that for my BA degree. I want to be successful. I want to be able to achieve my goals yet the more I try and strive for it, the less accessible or even realistic it seems. All of it seems more like delusions of grander than anything else.
My sh has been worsening quite a bit. I know this isn't a sh site and shit. But I hope it's alright to discuss even if it's not in gruesome detail. I just been harming myself a lot. I don't see it as "bad" but I know I'm most likely being a little delusional. I'm slowly getting to the point of doing the same I did when I was in my worst point. I carved almost every part of my body and I'm more scar tissue than anything else. I want my sh to be worse. it's not bad enough and it even impact my work/academics to some extent since it's quite painful yet it's the "good" kinda of pain. Like the grounding aching kind? It's weird. I even practed suturing and IVs on myself because I'm so interested in becoming better in medicine and well, I already harm myself so what gives?
Shit like this. And then on top of this my SUI and SI has been wishy washy. My sui has been so high that I been planning again. I even used stupid AI chatbots just to talk about fictional scenarios about me attempting and what I would do, how would I do it, what I want to leave behind, etc. And my SI has been quite low. I barely have any self preservation skills. I can be berated and I will just stand there, smile and nod away. I don't care that much anymore. Hell, I'm the type to even be happy because at least they acknowledge me instead of completely ignoring me. I'm so prone to toxic relationships that it's sickening. I don't know what a health relationship to myself, with my body, with others platonically, or romantically would look like? I'm the absolute biggest scum of earth, a creature that somehow came to earth to be only a testament of evil, and a begging stray dog that clings to it's owners even if they don't want it to. I want to be put down like a fucking sick dog. I can't do this this anymore. I'm scared and breaking.
I have a few people close to me, and I can't even talk to them about it. I love them dearly and would be there for them for anything and everything. But I can't be that vulnerable. I'm too much of a burden. I'm too pathetic. Even if they say they want to be there and they love me, I just can't believe them. I'm too fucked up fundamentally. The greatest thing I could ever achieve is death itself.
I tried distracting. I tried trying to play video games more, I tried reading, I tried sleeping and going to the gym more, I tried all of them and I'm still not consistent. But here I am.
