Help I honestly don't know how to do this

[BleedingConstantly]

Heyo fellas, sorry but I'm back :3

I have been having a quite a bit of a rough time honestly. But I don't know even how to talk about it.

TW: SH and SUI Ideation and SI (survival ...)

So, I been working as a EMT B for around a month. I really do enjoy it. I'm also trying to get back to school and all of that for my BA degree. I want to be successful. I want to be able to achieve my goals yet the more I try and strive for it, the less accessible or even realistic it seems. All of it seems more like delusions of grander than anything else.

My sh has been worsening quite a bit. I know this isn't a sh site and shit. But I hope it's alright to discuss even if it's not in gruesome detail. I just been harming myself a lot. I don't see it as "bad" but I know I'm most likely being a little delusional. I'm slowly getting to the point of doing the same I did when I was in my worst point. I carved almost every part of my body and I'm more scar tissue than anything else. I want my sh to be worse. it's not bad enough and it even impact my work/academics to some extent since it's quite painful yet it's the "good" kinda of pain. Like the grounding aching kind? It's weird. I even practed suturing and IVs on myself because I'm so interested in becoming better in medicine and well, I already harm myself so what gives?

Shit like this. And then on top of this my SUI and SI has been wishy washy. My sui has been so high that I been planning again. I even used stupid AI chatbots just to talk about fictional scenarios about me attempting and what I would do, how would I do it, what I want to leave behind, etc. And my SI has been quite low. I barely have any self preservation skills. I can be berated and I will just stand there, smile and nod away. I don't care that much anymore. Hell, I'm the type to even be happy because at least they acknowledge me instead of completely ignoring me. I'm so prone to toxic relationships that it's sickening. I don't know what a health relationship to myself, with my body, with others platonically, or romantically would look like? I'm the absolute biggest scum of earth, a creature that somehow came to earth to be only a testament of evil, and a begging stray dog that clings to it's owners even if they don't want it to. I want to be put down like a fucking sick dog. I can't do this this anymore. I'm scared and breaking.

I have a few people close to me, and I can't even talk to them about it. I love them dearly and would be there for them for anything and everything. But I can't be that vulnerable. I'm too much of a burden. I'm too pathetic. Even if they say they want to be there and they love me, I just can't believe them. I'm too fucked up fundamentally. The greatest thing I could ever achieve is death itself.

I tried distracting. I tried trying to play video games more, I tried reading, I tried sleeping and going to the gym more, I tried all of them and I'm still not consistent. But here I am.

 

[BleedingConstantly]

gonna reply to my whiney self since I don't want to clog the site.

I don't even know how to talk about how bad I am right now. Yes I'm still trying to go to work, gym, and do school even though I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up failing once more and then I can finally just give up. but whatever that's another tangent. I hurt myself so regularly that it's not even ... bad? like it's literally just another part of my day. it's that fucking bad. I get depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, stressed out, I have the perfect fucking solution. hell, I even bring my tools with me everywhere. I always do. I relapsed from my bedroom to my friends house to even my fucking previous university. does it matter anymore? when all my dreams feel like a fucking failure? that I will end up dying before I can even pursue a fucking 12 year degree? I can't even function by myself. let alone be anywhere around anyone. I just want to disappear..I can't do this shit anymore so much that I'm actually planning to give up. I can't do this anymore. I can't I can't I can't. I can't do this anymore. I really can't.

 

[NZkiwi]

i hope this forum is a safe space for you to share your thoughts, especially as you say there arent people in your personal life to open up to

sounds like youre going through a lot right now my guu

curious in your profile, wanna be psychiatrist, is your dream to become a doctor?

also good on you for posting again, takes courage and i hope it let out a little steam

 

[BleedingConstantly]

i hope this forum is a safe space for you to share your thoughts, especially as you say there arent people in your personal life to open up to

sounds like youre going through a lot right now my guu

curious in your profile, wanna be psychiatrist, is your dream to become a doctor?

also good on you for posting again, takes courage and i hope it let out a little steam

I do hope I can try to become a doctor. Came from a electrical engineering background (around a year and a half in my major) before deciding to switch into psychology. I wanted to get into medicine like biomedical engineering or something but I just decided I rather do my engineering stuff on the side instead. It's a weird journey, especially after all treatment I received. But, I'm still struggle quite a bit. I honestly don't know how I work with my diagnosis, sh, and my shitty mental health. It's just ... bad ig.

 

[NZkiwi]

I do hope I can try to become a doctor. Came from a electrical engineering background (around a year and a half in my major) before deciding to switch into psychology. I wanted to get into medicine like biomedical engineering or something but I just decided I rather do my engineering stuff on the side instead. It's a weird journey, especially after all treatment I received. But, I'm still struggle quite a bit. I honestly don't know how I work with my diagnosis, sh, and my shitty mental health. It's just ... bad ig.

oh its possible, if thats what you want to do, then I know you can do it

i graduated med school a few years ago

the trap i fell into was thinking that being a doctor would solve all my problems

it solved some of them, thats for sure

ive quit and now work as a bar tender.
will i return? im not sure

but other challenges ive had to navigate myself, and really look inward.

not sure what you situation is, are you open to engaging with professional mental health services and taking meds? i guess if you want to be a doctor, might as well try being the best patient you can be to really understand the system as an insider

 

[BleedingConstantly]

thank you for your compliments, advice, and your story . I do agree that being a doctor doesn't automatically solve someone's problems. I purely want to do it mostly because I want to at least give "something" to the field that more or less saved my dumbass. It's a really stupid way of thinking but I guess it helps me. (little jealous about being a bartender, I always found them pretty cool lol).

I'm still currently in treatment. Been in it for around four years now? I think I don't remember too well. Still medicated, did higher levels of treatment (TMS, PHP, IOP, etc) and still here I guess. Honestly, I don't think or I really doubt that my condition will change significantly for the better in the future honestly speaking. Mostly due to how long I had it, and how long I would have to treat it to be "normal." I told my current therapist (had her for several years) that if becoming normal for me is "out of the picture" or "unrealistic," my main goal is just to be able to manage my condition better. I know there are things I can work on. And I have been, or at least trying. Coming from a patient to a provider (still the lowest but ig it means something still) is a weird thing. I want to be able to change how I was treated in facilities, and offer the same amount of compassion that I was given to others.

It's a beautiful story I think. But I doubt it's realistic. Especially due to how competitive medschools are here, and with my current shitty transcript: it *might* be "delusions of grander." But I guess I can still try. Even if I feel like I might never be able to achieve it or even be able to see the fruits of my endeavors: I still try because trying is all I can do atp.