Venting doing it tonight

[brainlessretard]

Making this post to hold myself accountable.

I have never felt so sincerely suicidal before and so can't wait for SN. Partial hanging will do. It will be a gruesome finding to whoever tries to talk to me tomorrow, most likely my grandma. I will be partially hidden either under one of my thick covers or behind my standing mirror. If everything goes correctly, she won't be able to see me and will simply think I'm not home. I can disappear for a few days before my family reaches out, specially if my mom doesn't need help with anything. I'm tempted to believe they'll only discover my body when my it starts to smell.

My only reason to not do it is: today is a great day for everyone else. My family went on vacation, my boyfriend will have a nice afternoon with his other girl, my little cousin's 6 month anniversary (?) is this Saturday... I wonder if they'll feel bad knowing I was so deep into my suffering while they had fun. I can only wonder. I don't want them to feel guilty, but I can't wait anymore.

Dying sounds like bliss.

 

[purrpetrator]

I understand friend, I'm ready to ctb after I visit my friend to have one good last chat with her. I can't tell you to stick around because I know how painful life is, but consider spending a little more time with your loved ones. Even if it's just a day or two. I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.

 

[hdead]

In my contemplations of CTB I am making sure I am doing it for me. Making sure that I do not feel resentment against others or externalizing my problems to motivate the action. I feel like you might be manipulating yourself into thinking this is your choice; it seems like you want others to feel bad, it seems to me like you really just want to be heard. I mean this in the best possible way, and I am no way trying to convince you. I just think I am seeing something that I can relate to. I am a rather impulsive being, and I've felt similar. Until I started talking about this subject calmly to people around me.

I have spent a lot of time talking to different people; friends (although I don't have many), family, psychotherapists, GPs, psychiatrists about my wishes of dying and my reasonings. Creating a neutral ground to do so really helps you to reflect on your reasonings. For me; I just feel like my life is completed. I have done enough, seen enough. The remainder of my time here is spent contemplating death and making peace with that fact. I never actually wanted to CTB, although I have spent a lot of time wondering about it and I have been depressed/unmotivated for as long as I can remember. I am a rather impulsive person, for that reason I have caught myself thinking about guilt-tripping others with my action to CTB. I think that's completely wrong and unethical.

Please, try to find peace in your decision. Don't rush yourself into it. Contemplate long and hard. Write about your feelings if there's nobody listening. If you want, you can DM me and we can talk about this. For some reason, I feel like you really need somebody to understand your feelings.

Either way; I hope you find some peace. It hurts me to see that the people around you don't seem to see or understand your suffering. It definitely helps to get through the day if there are. It buys time to actually think this through and to have patience. What today doesn't bring, tomorrow might. What this month doesn't bring, the next might. Even if it takes years; as long as you have food, drink and a roof, your mind is the only real enemy here. Manage that, and you could pull through a bit longer.

 

[brainlessretard]

I understand friend, I'm ready to ctb after I visit my friend to have one good last chat with her. I can't tell you to stick around because I know how painful life is, but consider spending a little more time with your loved ones. Even if it's just a day or two. I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.

I tried reaching out, but nobody is available. My boyfriend refused to come see me so I'm finishing my goodbye letter. Thank you for being kind.

In my contemplations of CTB I am making sure I am doing it for me. Making sure that I do not feel resentment against others or externalizing my problems to motivate the action. I feel like you might be manipulating yourself into thinking this is your choice; it seems like you want others to feel bad, it seems to me like you really just want to be heard. I mean this in the best possible way, and I am no way trying to convince you. I just think I am seeing something that I can relate to. I am a rather impulsive being, and I've felt similar. Until I started talking about this subject calmly to people around me.

I have spent a lot of time talking to different people; friends (although I don't have many), family, psychotherapists, GPs, psychiatrists about my wishes of dying and my reasonings. Creating a neutral ground to do so really helps you to reflect on your reasonings. For me; I just feel like my life is completed. I have done enough, seen enough. The remainder of my time here is spent contemplating death and making peace with that fact. I never actually wanted to CTB, although I have spent a lot of time wondering about it and I have been depressed/unmotivated for as long as I can remember. I am a rather impulsive person, for that reason I have caught myself thinking about guilt-tripping others with my action to CTB. I think that's completely wrong and unethical.

Please, try to find peace in your decision. Don't rush yourself into it. Contemplate long and hard. Write about your feelings if there's nobody listening. If you want, you can DM me and we can talk about this. For some reason, I feel like you really need somebody to understand your feelings.

Either way; I hope you find some peace. It hurts me to see that the people around you don't seem to see or understand your suffering. It definitely helps to get through the day if there are. It buys time to actually think this through and to have patience. What today doesn't bring, tomorrow might. What this month doesn't bring, the next might. Even if it takes years; as long as you have food, drink and a roof, your mind is the only real enemy here. Manage that, and you could pull through a bit longer.

I won't say you're wrong because you're completely right. I am aware of my attention seeking behavior, of how I can go into extremes just to try to be heard. The thing is I am aware I need help. I am aware I need support, but every time I seek it, there's nobody there to listen. I am disabled, there's no other way to put it. My mental disorders make me disabled. How can I live? I keep trying to do things by my own and every single time, without doubt, I fail. And I will continue to fail.

I'm unemployed again, I can't afford a psychiatrist. My last two therapists gave up on me, so not only I can't afford to go back, I am scared to go back. I tried reaching out to a few members of my family, I wanted to hang out a little and maybe feel better, but nobody wanted to see me. My friends are all busy, I called my boyfriend, he isn't going to help me either, although it was quite explicit I am in extreme distress and need help. Mom and dad are on vacation, I won't spoil it now.

Nobody picks up the phone.

Sorry if my grammar is bad, my point is not clear or if my English makes little sense, I am overwhelmed.

 

[purrpetrator]

God, I deeply understand the pain of reaching out but no one is there. It makes life unbearable, especially when it feels like no one wants to carve out time for you. When no one is waiting on the other side, what's the point of anything at all? Humans need connection, love. And without that, we inevitably fail. I'm sorry that life has been so unfair to you. Take care friend.