Venting inner dialogue that (almost) never stops

[100memoryleaks]

yes, not monologue, DIALOGUE because it's multiple voices, which are basically all parts of me, but I can't control what all of them say because if I could, I'd make them all shut the hell up. I've tried to tell someone about them but every time I want, one of my voices will tell me I shouldn't, and I should keep it a secret because everyone thinks, this is just called THINKING... but is thinking always supposed to be this loud and stressful?

if anyone here has played disco elysium, it's nearly identical to how the skills talk to Harry and the narration from interacting with certain items, except less eloquent and more self critical. and sometimes just echoing stuff I've heard people say in the past. but imagine if all the skills were maxed out and they're all talking at once, it's chaos

my gp told me I have GAD in the past so maybe it's like that, because I really feel paralyzed when I have to make a decision about literally anything. when my favorite person was still with me, I would just ask him to decide for me, or I would make decisions based on his preferences and tastes, it was so calming to devote myself fully to him, at night I'd drift off to sleep at peace knowing that every day I'm becoming more similar to him. but then whenever I wanted to do something different, I'd hear my inner voices tell me I'm not dedicated enough to him, that I clearly must not love him enough. I think all the inner arguments inside my head are too much to describe here, i don't even know where to begin sorting this chaos. I have an ED also and BPD (self dx but I have all symptoms) so the negativity in my head towards myself is just miserable.. lately even though I'm trying to enjoy my last few days alive I can't even decide how to spend my time because my mind will fight me on what game I should play or what movie to watch ("my sweetheart would have preferred that one" "but I can't bear to remember him" "do you love him enough" "he's gone now")

these voices were quiet for a while right after my darling left me, I guess just from shock. I also tried dxm for the first time a couple weeks ago and my mind was surprisingly quiet except for just one inner voice which I can clearly recognize as my true self, it was bliss... even while listening to music my only inner voice would just sing along to the lyrics which was funny ^^;

i wonder if anyone else here has a similar experience and if so, how do you cope with it?

 

[lastappleonearth]

yes, not monologue, DIALOGUE because it's multiple voices, which are basically all parts of me, but I can't control what all of them say because if I could, I'd make them all shut the hell up. I've tried to tell someone about them but every time I want, one of my voices will tell me I shouldn't, and I should keep it a secret because everyone thinks, this is just called THINKING... but is thinking always supposed to be this loud and stressful?

if anyone here has played disco elysium, it's nearly identical to how the skills talk to Harry and the narration from interacting with certain items, except less eloquent and more self critical. and sometimes just echoing stuff I've heard people say in the past. but imagine if all the skills were maxed out and they're all talking at once, it's chaos

my gp told me I have GAD in the past so maybe it's like that, because I really feel paralyzed when I have to make a decision about literally anything. when my favorite person was still with me, I would just ask him to decide for me, or I would make decisions based on his preferences and tastes, it was so calming to devote myself fully to him, at night I'd drift off to sleep at peace knowing that every day I'm becoming more similar to him. but then whenever I wanted to do something different, I'd hear my inner voices tell me I'm not dedicated enough to him, that I clearly must not love him enough. I think all the inner arguments inside my head are too much to describe here, i don't even know where to begin sorting this chaos. I have an ED also and BPD (self dx but I have all symptoms) so the negativity in my head towards myself is just miserable.. lately even though I'm trying to enjoy my last few days alive I can't even decide how to spend my time because my mind will fight me on what game I should play or what movie to watch ("my sweetheart would have preferred that one" "but I can't bear to remember him" "do you love him enough" "he's gone now")

these voices were quiet for a while right after my darling left me, I guess just from shock. I also tried dxm for the first time a couple weeks ago and my mind was surprisingly quiet except for just one inner voice which I can clearly recognize as my true self, it was bliss... even while listening to music my only inner voice would just sing along to the lyrics which was funny ^^;

i wonder if anyone else here has a similar experience and if so, how do you cope with it?

Idk if I can 100% relate, but thinking is definitely also stressful for me. I don't think it's many voices in my case, just my voice basically, but it's coming at me all the time if that makes sense. Like I'm really never calm, I'm always stressed, even if I don't have a reason, my thoughts find sth to stress abt, sth to be concerned about. It's endless and relentless, it truly never stops. Thats why certain pills can be so addictive, they make ur mind quiet, at least for a lil bit.
Having sb by your side def makes things easier, Im sorry u lost that person. Hope u get to feel better

 

[dissociatedmess]

Sorry for this wall of text lol.

Nothing I say here is meant to be used to assist in self diagnoses—but I believe you've read some of my posts and maybe aware of my post regarding having Dissociative Identity Disorder.

While I would never tell someone they have something for certain, I would just like to talk about dissociation as a general subject.

Theoretically, dissociation is on a spectrum, and we all fit somewhere along that spectrum. Everyone experiences it to an extent, but not everyone who "zones out" also has issues with self-identity, memory, derealization (disconnection from surroundings) or depersonalization (disconnection from body). Sometimes that dissociation goes pretty far, and you can feel like you're being talked to by your own thoughts instead of feeling ownership of you. It is all you, but the dissociative and unintegrated part of that is the inability to recognize those voices as yourself—there is a lack of ownership.

I have talked to a surprising amount of people who feel their inner dialogue (yes, dialogue) is a bunch of different versions of themselves talking through situations, or that "ugh but this part of me doesn't want to do this" feeling, which is pretty typical.

I won't specify a disorder, but I would personally think it's worth looking into when there is a lack of integration between those parts of selves:

"That thought wasn't mine, I don't know why I thought that." type of stuff. Incongruence.

There's a difference between
"I can't decide what to do, there are so many options"
and the feeling of physical paralysis because no decision is the correct one, and different "people" or "parts" want different things.

Personally, I constantly feel like *I* want to do something, but keep getting yanked away because different parts of me want to do other things instead, often leading to paralysis and intense frustration.

I've read about and heard accounts of things like this happening in DID, OSDD, ADHD, BPD, CPTSD, ASD, OCD, GAD, etc. So it could be plethora of things, and that can only be determined by a medical professional... Or a few, like in my case.

But it would be important to try to express to a professional that you are experiencing distress and unable to feel integrated, like one cohesive self.
Other people may experience something similar and not feel distressed by it, but that distress is the indicator that something deeper is at play, especially if it affects your daily functioning.

I hope things get better for you. <3

Edit
Just wanted to add that as far as coping mechanisms go... For me I feel like maybe bargaining? Setting aside time to do what all parts want to do, even if it's for a small amount of time.
Journaling seems to be another good way to figure out what's going on internally—I don't even try to think about what I'm writing, I just write literally whatever comes out and end up learning a lot. Automatic writing could also bypass the part of you trying to tamp it all down, keep it secret, etc.

I'm not sure if what I go through will be relevant to what you're experiencing, but in my case, it's better to try to make friends with the unintegrated parts than fight against them every day. I don't always understand why I think or say or do things, but trying to have empathy and respect for them like I would anybody else. Seems to settle the waters somewhat. Might be worth looking into some information on Internal Family Systems (IFS), though it's not for everyone.

 

[100memoryleaks]

Sorry for this wall of text lol.

Nothing I say here is meant to be used to assist in self diagnoses—but I believe you've read some of my posts and maybe aware of my post regarding having Dissociative Identity Disorder.

While I would never tell someone they have something for certain, I would just like to talk about dissociation as a general subject.

Theoretically, dissociation is on a spectrum, and we all fit somewhere along that spectrum. Everyone experiences it to an extent, but not everyone who "zones out" also has issues with self-identity, memory, derealization (disconnection from surroundings) or depersonalization (disconnection from body). Sometimes that dissociation goes pretty far, and you can feel like you're being talked to by your own thoughts instead of feeling ownership of you. It is all you, but the dissociative and unintegrated part of that is the inability to recognize those voices as yourself—there is a lack of ownership.

I have talked to a surprising amount of people who feel their inner dialogue (yes, dialogue) is a bunch of different versions of themselves talking through situations, or that "ugh but this part of me doesn't want to do this" feeling, which is pretty typical.

I won't specify a disorder, but I would personally think it's worth looking into when there is a lack of integration between those parts of selves:

"That thought wasn't mine, I don't know why I thought that." type of stuff. Incongruence.

There's a difference between
"I can't decide what to do, there are so many options"
and the feeling of physical paralysis because no decision is the correct one, and different "people" or "parts" want different things.

Personally, I constantly feel like *I* want to do something, but keep getting yanked away because different parts of me want to do other things instead, often leading to paralysis and intense frustration.

I've read about and heard accounts of things like this happening in DID, OSDD, ADHD, BPD, CPTSD, ASD, OCD, GAD, etc. So it could be plethora of things, and that can only be determined by a medical professional... Or a few, like in my case.

But it would be important to try to express to a professional that you are experiencing distress and unable to feel integrated, like one cohesive self.
Other people may experience something similar and not feel distressed by it, but that distress is the indicator that something deeper is at play, especially if it affects your daily functioning.

I hope things get better for you. <3

i appreciate your detailed response <3

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

Sorry if my response is short but I feel the same way, my anxiety never stops. It just keeps going. I take meds and I try to ignore it I try to cope but it just never dtops

 

[limenlux]

I have a constant inner monologue that I would roughly equate to the chyron banner on a news program: always running but rarely intruding or obstructing. If another voice emerged from within the signal I would probably be concerned enough to reach out to a medical professional, despite my rock-bottom opinion of current mental healthcare.

Given that many people have no inner monologue, dialogue, or a "mind's eye" at all, it speaks well of you to have the self-awareness that something unusual is occurring at all. I hope you're able to find a productive approach toward navigating this moving forward.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I really relate to a few things you said here. Definitely a confusion between whether I have a monologue or a dialogue or its 'just my inner voice thinking', but its all my own thoughts and deliberations.

I also struggle to make any decisions and if I have anyone else involved in it, I will genuinely feel like I have no preference and so just want to go with whatever the other person/people prefer. It can really freeze and panic me if people insist its 'my turn' to decide something and I end up essentially trying to imagine what the others would want.

In this sense, I've sort of found a happy medium of an isolated independent solo life. Somehow been lucky enough to (in the past year or 2) find myself in a stable secure job with renting my own flat for the first time. So this has allowed me to live a very autopilot robotic life. I don't have to think about many tasks I do. I don't interact with many people. Other than when there's a set context where there's very few decisions - my job is shiftwork and mostly solo duties, then places like the gym where its small talk and there's the instructor who calls all the shots for the class. I am also aware this is not a long term sustainable model, but it has found me a sort of neutral stabilised space for a wee while. Its all or nothing. At the moment its been nice in a way having 'nothing' going on up there. Rather than everything.

One way I have described it sometimes is like the comedy tv series 'Ghosts'. Like I have my own thoughts and confusion and conflict (monologue/dialogue). But to help me make decisions, I am trawling through past experiences and memories for any clue, which is a bit like the ghosts piping up with their differing views and approaches - but all either previous younger versions of myself, OR quite often memories of friends/families/acquaintances/colleagues etc and snapshots of things they have said or done or advised in the past in similar scenarios. But it often doesn't help because they are still conflicted and offer good/respectable evidence to my brain of all sorts of opposing views/memories/experiences.

 

[_Minsk]

yeah i have that too, i think its because i try to get rid of some voices within myself; this suppressing and rejecting causes this splitting because technically you cant really get rid of something thats you. if you reverse that and accept the negative feelings that these voices cause and stop pushing against the voices too, you will become whole again and you realize they were actually you. but harder said than done because we want to feel good and its the opposite. but its probably the only working thing