This site is of enormous benefit to me. I've had ideation for 34 years. I'm 44. I've tried therapy, meds, new jobs, exercise, healthy diet, walking in nature, talking to friends, pusuing my dreams, doing my dream job (pretty much.) I feel old enough to know what my problems are in life and what I can do to mitigate them. There are some things I simply don't want to do now and I don't see why it's compulsory anyway to try everything over and over again with a faint hope it might work... My life belongs to me- doesn't it?
Suicide as a realistic prospect has been on the cards for decades but- I couldn't bear to hurt the people who care about me. Fortunately, I've been lucky to have had some. Most are dead now. One remains. I'm holding on for them.
I came here initially to search for methods. I was feeling my usual awful self and trapped and I thought, if I had a method in mind, at least I wouldn't feel so trapped. That whole adage: 'A prison becomes a home if you have a key.' I came initially to find a method but, when I saw some of the really interesting conversations going on, I applied for membership immediately.
Considerring what people are going through here, I think this community is incredible. The vast majority of people are compassionate, sensitive to other people's feelings, supportive and very clever too. Sure, you'll get the odd one or two inappropriate comments but, our mods are quick to act. I'm so grateful for this place.
I suppose their (pro-lifers) reasoning is- you should be having these discussions with friends and family. In my case- some simply wouldn't be interested in talking about this stuff. But mainly- I don't want to burden them with the truth. There's every chance I could kill myself one day. I don't want them to spend between now and that day worrying. I don't want them to suddenly jump into action to 'support' me. There's actually nothing they could do but I suspect some would try. The weeks, months, maybe even years would go by. Their efforts would (naturally) tail off and when I finally did it, they would be wracked with guilt that they didn't do more. Why would I want that for them?
Not everyone has people they can reach out to and some of us have very good reasons why we don't want to. So- where else do we turn? Therapy costs money and talk of suicide to a therapist or hotline can land you in a pysche ward. I think- at the very most, I have maybe mild to moderate depression- if that. I doubt my state of mind would be terribly different to the people that work there! Why should I be forced to go somewhere like that and be forced to take drugs? What's the benefit of seeing a therapist if you need to lie to them to protect yourself?!! It's like going to the doctor with a broken arm and saying you think you've bruised your leg.
The only argument I would agree with is that by it's nature, this forum does tend to be a negative eco chamber. We are a group of people who aren't very happy with life and aren't at all pleased about feeling trapped here. (Due to not being able to access reliable and peaceful methods.) That said- I think there's somehow this utterly bizarre concept that people stumble on this place and become brain washed to take their own life. I'd say the vast majority of people are actively suicidal when they come here. Most are looking for methods I imagine.
I also hate how stupid they must think we are. That people here are oblivious to how exterior influences affect them. I think most people here are aware of their own ideas and opinions. Most people are very opinionated in fact but- I think most people realise whether this place resonates with their own thinking or not. And if it doesn't- they leave. They may move over into the 'Recovery' section or, they sometimes leave all together and, we wish them well! I hate the claim that this place is some kind of death cult.
It truly upsets me that this place gets reported on the way it does. I wish they would dig a little deeper and see how this place keeps some people alive! The irony! But yes- it's helping me to get through the remaining time I have here. It's given me the chance to 'talk' to some really interesting people and a lot of us support one another here. It's not about cheering one another along to off ourselves. It's about giving that human being a place to actually be heard, seen, not judged but supported in whatever they are going through. Thank you Sasu for giving me the space to do that.
