I don't know whether i will end up dying of suicide. i wish there were a legal process so I could declare a wish to die and have that processed with professionals.
Because suicide is illegal in my country, and all professionals are required to dissuade suicide, I am more concerned about involuntary hospitalization. I have also had bad experiences before with involuntary "treatment" and being kept in a room with no books, TV, or anyone to talk with for many hours. There was nothing to do except masturbate or drink water and one time I masturbated and looked up to see a psychiatric technician staring at me through the window taking notes, wide eyed. I was under a blanket, but they still wrote down in their notes I was masturbating and I still feel they probably were there a while before I noticed. It was awful and so degrading. I hope writing that in the notes also really helped them and their medical records somehow, that it added clinical value. (Sarcasm) I hate that person, whoever he is, I hope he's in pain and suffering somehow, I wish the universe were just and made him hurt. Every day or so I occasionally someone talked with me there for 10 or 15 minutes. Once I was at that place, I just said I was fine and I only accidentally took a lot of pills... it was so terrible to be there and they held me captive until i lied and said i was fine and happy. I had over 100 pills I had hoarded. I lost track after taking 60, I probably took over 80, I don't think I took them all. There was a point where I stopped because I felt like I had taken enough to kill me and I was just tired and it was hard to take so many, to be crying quietly with no one around since other people were out of their cells, and I wanted to wipe off my tears and try to look normal so I had a better chance of dying. I can't believe it didn't work. It was too late to pump my stomach, but there was an antidote and much to my horror it worked.
i was kept in a room with nothing to read, no tv, no one to talk to. They justify psychological abuse through terms like safety, but it's still psychological abuse.
Many people get help and do well on meds and don't have the bad experience i had. This particular involuntary facility was a place I was at after trying to commit suicide in jail and failing. It was an extraordinarily painful attempt, I was handcuffed most of the time when they treated me after trying to overdose, police were insulting me and calling me stupid turd and other nasty names while the poison had started to affect my organs while handcuffed to a gurney, and I can't believe I didn't die given how much it hurt. I still probably have some internal organ damage from the attempt. The involuntary place may have been worse than a normal facility, but I think there were people there who were not accused of crimes. I don't want my bad experience to dissuade anyone from getting help. Some people get better. I haven't. I've tried many meds and they didn't help and if I see a professional at this point, there is a very high chance I could be forced to take meds I don't like or hospitalized involuntarily and I've done that before, it made things worse for me personally, and because of my bad experiences I really don't want that.
I am glad I have a space to share in which people will not pressure me to take meds, pressure me to tallk to a professional who could lock me up, or try to provide religious advice or tell me everything will be okay. I am slightly afraid to post here because I don't want to dissuade anyone from getting help from the typical places society encourages or upset someone with what I've written who is already sad. But there is also literally nowhere else I can talk about my feelings without being pressured to become subject to a medical system that makes me uncomfortable or a religious belief system that makes me uncomfortable. There isn't anywhere I can just exist, with all my sadness, without people trying to make me into someone else. I feel I have been financially exploited by the medical and psychiatric system. I feel exploited by the government, and people who have hurt me, and financially and emotionally and sexually exploited me generally, I've had an awful life, I am also a damaged person. I don't like the government saying they have a monopoly on whether I get to live or die. I feel like in order to continue to live and have food and a place to stay, I have to work an incredible amount. The suffering I have to endure for a small amount of happiness is probably not worth it to me, it feels like more exploitation of me by society. I just want to exist and be sad. I can't even grow crops near a river away from society and try to live that way because the government claims a monopoly on all land. I can either be homeless, or on disability and incredibly poor and forced onto many medications I absolutely don't want, or I can work work work and be miserable simply for the right to exist. I am probably looking at this in a bleaker way than it is because of my sadness, and perhaps pills would be beneficial to see things more clearly, but I have had such bad experiences with the psychiatric industry that I'm not willing to see any professionals. If I could take certain medications without seeing a psychiatrist and without being subject to evaluations and notes and possible involuntary treatment, then I would likely be taking something right now, but at an extremely low dose that would not placate doctors. They would want me on injectible medications that I wouldn't want, they wouldn't be content with low doses. It's easier for me to avoid psychiatry and not have any medicaiton than it is to be involved in that system and subject to involuntary hospitalization and pressured into intramuscular medications. I am tired of people forcing me to do things or pressuring me to do things I don't want to do. If I were to take anything, I wouldn't want to take it for a long time, and they have diagnosed me with so many things that if I go back to psychiatry, they would likely lock me up if I went back on something, felt a bit better, and then tried to taper off. The mental health industry wants me to be a paying customer indefinitely and it's too risky for me, with my history, to get involved with them unless I want to risk involuntary treatment. They've put me on forced medications where the doses were so high I couldn't go to the bathroom for days. NEVER AGAIN, never again will I go back to psychiatry. For some people, however, they go and get help and get better. For people without a long history, they can go and say they are sad and take medications at lower doses and sometimes aren't hospitalized, get better and end up happy. That wouldn't happen for me with my history, but it does happen to people. The only happiness in my life right now is I am currently free of psychiatry. That is something good in my life.
I don't know if I will end up committing suicide. There's some chance I won't. I'm thinking a lot about it, but there's still some stuff I'd like to do first. I really wish I had experienced a happy life and feel like I just had bad luck. I am probably not going to end my life right away, but there's a decent chance I'll end it within 3 months to two years. Or perhaps I'll stay alive. I don't know. But I am glad there is a place where I can just be sad without people pressuring me to feel a certain way. I can just be me. Perhaps one day suicide will be legal everywhere and people can just be themselves and if they want to die, they can go through a process and possibly do it. If there were a legal process to determine if suicide were appropriate for me, and clinicians would consider it an option, I would start that process. But I'm in a religious country and it's not an option for me. I have thought about trying to go to another country in which suicide is legal, but I don't think they do that for people who aren't born there. So I walk this path alone, unsure of where it will lead.
I feel so incredibly victimized, not only by people who have committed crimes against me, but also just by society and the mental health industry. I wish I could get help somehow from people who were outside the industry and not subject to industry rules enforced by the government, who would not pressure me to take meds I don't want, but I don't think that exists. I probably have PTSD caused by the mental health industry at this point. There aren't really safe places for sad people which are free of their tentacles except this place.
I hope anyone on this website under 22 knows that 18-21 is a tumultuous time, some people are very unhappy then and feel much better later, after they are working and are independent. Some people get help from the mental health industry and get better probably, so this isn't meant to discourage people from getting help. I had horrible experiences with the mental health industry but I may be an outlier and not represent the typical experience people have. This is just such a lonely process for me, but I suppose it has to be.
