Discussion Does anyone else not want to get better?

[deathenvoy]

So I tried:

• trazadone
• venlafaxine
• paroxetine
• mirtazapine
• mianserin
• fluoxetine
• lithium
• aripiprazole
• quetiapine
• pregabalin
• buspirone
• hydroxizine
• propranolol
• alprazolam
• diazepam
• lorazepam
• midazolam
• zolpidem
• zopiclone

Only mirtazapine works somehow as it allows me to sleep. And benzos of course give temporary relief but for high price of addiction. For 2 years I was in and out psychiatric hospitals 6 times - one time after suicide attempt and one for 6 month group therapy. Nothing works. I am in worse state than before my 'adventure' with modern psychiatry.
I told today my mother that if I won't get well in few months I am killing myself. She bursted into tears.
But that's my breaking point. I cannot take it anymore.

 

[On the edge]

I was better for a while, but then got so much worse and I no longer care about getting better. I want to get worse so that it'll be easier to go through with it

 

[FrankieMay]

I know exactly what you mean. My fear is that 'getting better' is only temporarily tricking myself into believing I'll be ok, only to have my world come crashing down again and being worse off than ever, thinking I'd had a taste of being 'normal' to lose it all over again

You summed this up perfectly