Does anyone else feel like they have no core...?

[bl33ding_heart]

I feel like I'm just a living, breathing epitome of my trauma. Like my sense of self was just built off of coping and survival mechanisms, and my sense of identity is ever changing and never stable. Like I don't even really have a personality of my own. I have these depressive episodes where I feel just pure sadness and also a weird sense of numbness. During these episodes it feels physically impossible for me to feel any positive emotion and it genuinely feels like dying is the only way out of that hell hole. I just tell myself over and over, "Oh come on, you can get through this. You've gone through so much and this is the thing you feel is stopping you?". But no matter how many times I try to have faith in myself and get over it, it's never ending. I'm tired of being at a constant war with my mind just for a sense of peace. If I want to stop living and ease all of this pain I've been feeling my whole life and will likely continue to feel. People need to respect that, it's my decision. I just wish they would.

 

[leloyon]

Gods, said it better than I ever could. It's like you were writing exactly how I feel.
I don't really know who I am. I can name, if pressed, traits. Symptoms. But if I was cured tomorrow, I just take a pill and I'm now mentally healthy, I don't know if anything would be left. I don't know if there's a real me, or just a bundle of survival mechanisms and symptoms wrapped together in a sack of meat.
Especially now. It feels like if there ever was a person here, the trauma has just razed it all. Just a dark figure, dousing a field in gasoline and watching it burn until there's only ashes. Everything seems so bright to everyone else and all I can see are ashes.

 

[777cave]

Yes.
Who I once was is dissolving, just wisps of cotton candy positivity, hope, self confidence.
I almost hunger what was, but it's getting more and more empty. Almost a gnawing feeling.
I don't know how to survive without it...but maybe that's the point. Not meant to survive.