Venting Does anyone else feel like a child?

[summermoon]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this too but I'm glad that here at least we can all share our difficulties and frustrations I'm over ten years older than you and while I managed to have relationships, a number of jobs and friends, it didn't take this feeling of blankness and emptiness away. So none of it lasted.

How strong is your desire to ctb? Mine was pretty strong when I was about your age - I had a major breakdown then too - but I somehow managed to give it a bit of a bash but that was really because I started seeing my ex. It was only my relationship with him and managing to study and work for around a decade which pulled me along but honestly I've never had many interests and I just don't take in information or remember things, it's weird. Like, I've gone on holiday and looked around and later wouldn't be able to tell you a damn thing about the place. Sometimes I think I must have neurological problems rather than mental health ones but when I've mentioned that I've just got dismissive looks from 'professionals'. This has left me knowing that I definitely want to ctb because I have tried as hard as I possibly can to live a 'normal' life.

Looking back at this makes me wonder whether or not you might want to keep trying? I remember that I had a feeling of utter confusion around that time and desperately wanted to experience some sort of 'life'. Is there that sort of desire for you or do you feel that things simply can't change? Have you tried any therapy at all? Again I've had quite a bit and it still didn't change anything.

It's so hard when it comes in cycles like that because looking back is really painful. I know I've always had this thread of utter disconnection running through my life but that doesn't mean that I don't look at the times when I've been most 'functional' and feel a lot of regret that I'm not like that any more. I hope you can work through things, if that is what you want.

It's funny how the first half of my life has all my memories, the good and the bad and the later half is just an empty slate. As time passes by even those memories grow dimmer, I don't know what to do except the mechanical stuff like eating and sleeping.

People often say, get back up after being knocked down and stuff like that but i often wonder there must be some kind of desire or hope helping you to get back up. I am simply unable to find that thing for me. I agree there is a fear of failure but beyond that there is no desire to be functional.

 

[disconnection]

It's funny how the first half of my life has all my memories, the good and the bad and the later half is just an empty slate. As time passes by even those memories grow dimmer, I don't know what to do except the mechanical stuff like eating and sleeping.

People often say, get back up after being knocked down and stuff like that but i often wonder there must be some kind of desire or hope helping you to get back up. I am simply unable to find that thing for me. I agree there is a fear of failure but beyond that there is no desire to be functional.

I'm exactly the same - I eat, I sleep, barely talk, read a bit and come on here. And I smoke again because at least that's a thing to do!

Yes I think that's exactly it - you either have hope and a desire to make things better for some *reason* or you don't. Living without that just feels utterly pointless. It also means that it's not worth putting up with day to day discomforts because there's no reason to push through them (thinking about my own refusal to live by myself. Just too much effort.)

 

[Nobody's Daughter]

It's funny how the first half of my life has all my memories, the good and the bad and the later half is just an empty slate. As time passes by even those memories grow dimmer, I don't know what to do except the mechanical stuff like eating and sleeping.

People often say, get back up after being knocked down and stuff like that but i often wonder there must be some kind of desire or hope helping you to get back up. I am simply unable to find that thing for me. I agree there is a fear of failure but beyond that there is no desire to be functional.
[/QUOTE
My heart goes out to you. I have a very similar mentality regarding 'the desire to function' plus I've been knocked down a lot of times and it always took me a very long time to make the effort to rise up again.
That saying is obviously directed at people on a whole other spectrum.

If the motivation is non-existent and the desire is obsolete then how does one get out of bed and on with their day. My lifestyle is very erratic. Finding a purpose never made sense to me. I never wanted to be a part of the rat race but I never wanted 'this' either.

Maybe finding fuel for the desire is key. If one wishes to do so..of course.

Sorry, I am new to SS and still finding my footing. I think I screwed up the way I replied. I'm so sorry. How do I reply to a thread? I did it right (I hope) earlier.

It's funny how the first half of my life has all my memories, the good and the bad and the later half is just an empty slate. As time passes by even those memories grow dimmer, I don't know what to do except the mechanical stuff like eating and sleeping.

People often say, get back up after being knocked down and stuff like that but i often wonder there must be some kind of desire or hope helping you to get back up. I am simply unable to find that thing for me. I agree there is a fear of failure but beyond that there is no desire to be functional.

 

[summermoon]

There used to be a desire in me that under a specific set of circumstances, I can perhaps hang on..

 

[Nobody's Daughter]

I hope you find that desire again. Hope. That's what keeps me hanging on that and my 18 year old son who lives with me and suffers from Depression, Anxiety and PTSD too. I have BPD thrown into the mix as well.

 

[disconnection]

Very much so. I embrace it. There's not much I enjoy doing in life anymore but the few remaining things I do enjoy I put it down to my childlike attitude and behaviour.

Really glad that you experience this in such a positive way!

 

[Cashewmilk]

I feel exactly the same. I'm in my 30s and I feel like I'm 15, not physically but mentally. I can't do anything for myself my mom and sister do everything for me even my taxes, I don't drive so I have to get driven.

I've tried driving and it's too hard and scary. I didn't finish high school, barely had a job - my last job traumatized me and made my heroin addiction worse when I was trying to quit. Luckily my mom has a good stable job and we live in a big house where I've always had my privacy, my mom made it her mission in life to be middle class because she was brought up in poverty in a third world country. But she's devastated about how we turned out, she wasn't expecting this and still can't come to terms she has mentally sick children... it's dumb she should have vetted my dad more and got some therapy herself because she's extremely abusive, she treats my sister and I like scum our whole lives because we weren't pretty enough and smart enough. Anyway yeah so she says she's gonna make sure to leave me with something when she dies, but in reality if she died tomorrow I'd be seriously screwed, I would probably be a full time prostitute to survive (I just quit sex work after 9 years ugh).

I'm a mess and I hate life but I worry about my basic needs, those are my biggest worries. However, no matter what, I hate basic life, I fucking hate cleaning, I hate doing things I don't want to. I hate showering and brushing my teeth. I hate existing period. I just don't want to be here it's the same old shit everywhere - get a job or some way to get enough money so you can eat and live in peace. It's a never ending rat race. I seriously can't work in my current condition, like I couldn't go to work tomorrow if someone gave me a job, I'm literally disabled. If I could work and was doing it I'd hate my life just as much as I do now, unless I got paid a lot but that won't happen in this stupid slavery system.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

This is incredibly relatable, especially the blank slate feeling. I feel like a blank slate too. I feel like I just take on characteristics of others that I'm close to, or I mold myself to suit what others expect of me (my time as the perfect college student), but I'm nothing on the inside. I have no identity. I'm just stuck in this pathetic limbo state and, like you, can't even live on my own.

I hate myself so much. I feel like I'm 12 or something.

 

[disconnection]

@summermoon and @Nobody's Daughter, wishing you both the strength to hang on in, if that is what you want x

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I don't even know what sort of job I'd want or could do now.

The more posts I read from you, the more shocked I am. It's like we're the same person - I say that in the least creepy way possible. Hell, even this is relatable. I legitimately don't feel capable of doing anything. I can barely handle my own job anymore, and all I bloody do is sit around.

 

[disconnection]

I feel exactly the same. I'm in my 30s and I feel like I'm 15, not physically but mentally. I can't do anything for myself my mom and sister do everything for me even my taxes, I don't drive so I have to get driven.

I've tried driving and it's too hard and scary. I didn't finish high school, barely had a job - my last job traumatized me and made my heroin addiction worse when I was trying to quit. Luckily my mom has a good stable job and we live in a big house where I've always had my privacy, my mom made it her mission in life to be middle class because she was brought up in poverty in a third world country. But she's devastated about how we turned out, she wasn't expecting this and still can't come to terms she has mentally sick children... it's dumb she should have vetted my dad more and got some therapy herself because she's extremely abusive, she treats my sister and I like scum our whole lives because we weren't pretty enough and smart enough. Anyway yeah so she says she's gonna make sure to leave me with something when she dies, but in reality if she died tomorrow I'd be seriously screwed, I would probably be a full time prostitute to survive (I just quit sex work after 9 years ugh).

I'm a mess and I hate life but I worry about my basic needs, those are my biggest worries. However, no matter what, I hate basic life, I fucking hate cleaning, I hate doing things I don't want to. I hate showering and brushing my teeth. I hate existing period. I just don't want to be here it's the same old shit everywhere - get a job or some way to get enough money so you can eat and live in peace. It's a never ending rat race. I seriously can't work in my current condition, like I couldn't go to work tomorrow if someone gave me a job, I'm literally disabled. If I could work and was doing it I'd hate my life just as much as I do now, unless I got paid a lot but that won't happen in this stupid slavery system.

I hear you - I too worry about having my basic needs met while I'm alive. It's natural - noone wants to be out on the streets suffering, even if a more comfortable day to day existence feels pointless. But the emotional struggle is very real. I agree, bloody hate our shitty shitty 'system'.. I'm sorry too about what you've gone through with your mum. For me, it was my dad when I was younger xx

This is incredibly relatable, especially the blank slate feeling. I feel like a blank slate too. I feel like I just take on characteristics of others that I'm close to, or I mold myself to suit what others expect of me (my time as the perfect college student), but I'm nothing on the inside. I have no identity. I'm just stuck in this pathetic limbo state and, like you, can't even live on my own.

I hate myself so much. I feel like I'm 12 or something.

Oh my god yes! Thank christ someone else understands what I mean about this 'blank slate' thing!! And you say you were the perfect college student too - I was the same, all through school and uni. It became all encompassing and took over my entire identity.

Ha, if I had a job which was just sitting around I doubt I could do it now either. I mean, I sit around all day now but I'm still planning on ctb so I guess I could but it wouldn't make things any better than they are now.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm so terrified of living on my own and living for myself. Since splitting up with my ex and losing my job I find my mind utterly numb and blank and I think all I've generally done in my life is distract myself, often quite obsessively, from that blankness. Now there's simply no distraction. I am living with family for now - that can't last forever and I know that I lack any sense of independence or urge to try to become independent. And it's embarrassing, I'm not young. I listen to people chatting happily about this and that, and achieving things, and I am just so far away from that. Hell, even being interested in things, casually remembering things. Having opinions. I am just a blank slate, it's like my mind doesn't work properly. My memory is definitely screwed. I could exist if I could constantly be looked after, as I have done for years, but it never made me particularly happy. I have never been single for any length of time - I've always had to have someone to be there for me. Even with that, attempting to pretend to be an adult was always exhausting. I never grew up and now I am, selfishly, refusing to.

Exactly in the same situation, only that I did have to act like an adult for many years and took on far more work than I could handle... But now I feel like a child

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

I don't think my situation is similar to yours but i do feel like a child.. There are specific things, situations, people that make me feel little
It might be because of the abuse i had when i was really a child, i didn't live my childhood, had to get abused and act like an adult but now it's like age regress, like i literally talk, think, do everything like 4 or 5yo kid in specific times etc..
Also i always need a care giver cuz im never feeling safe, it might sound weird but all i really want is being petted, hugged and taken care of n all i think about is coloring and playing..

 

[disconnection]

I don't think my situation is similar to yours but i do feel like a child.. There are specific things, situations, people that make me feel little
It might be because of the abuse i had when i was really a child, i didn't live my childhood, had to get abused and act like an adult but now it's like age regress, like i literally talk, think, do everything like 4 or 5yo kid in specific times etc..
Also i always need a care giver cuz im never feeling safe, it might sound weird but all i really want is being petted, hugged and taken care of n all i think about is coloring and playing..

Hey, I've never heard of anything like this except in films... Are you for real? If you are then I'm sorry but I've been wondering how to reply for a while and this seems the most honest response!

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

Hey, I've never heard of anything like this except in films... Are you for real? If you are then I'm sorry but I've been wondering how to reply for a while and this seems the most honest response!

Oh well.. Ig i am for real lmao
It sucks tbh :)

 

[disconnection]

Oh well.. Ig i am for real lmao
It sucks tbh :)

So how does that work, like a switch and you're acting like a really young kid? How do others around you respond? Have you sought help, treatment? That sounds a lot more clear cut than anything I've experienced or heard of others experiencing. I'm so sorry that things suck so much for you.

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

So how does that work, like a switch and you're acting like a really young kid? How do others around you respond? Have you sought help, treatment? That sounds a lot more clear cut than anything I've experienced or heard of others experiencing. I'm so sorry that things suck so much for you.

Yeah you can say switch. Im the oldest sister so i have to act mature around my sister and my family and when im feeling little i try to hide somewhere alone with my stuffed animals and sometimes my bf helps with that
I never really told anyone about it except my bf
It's something out of my control
I searched about it and tge closest thing i found to my situation is calked ddlg
(i know it's weird im sorry..)

 

[disconnection]

Yeah you can say switch. Im the oldest sister so i have to act mature around my sister and my family and when im feeling little i try to hide somewhere alone with my stuffed animals and sometimes my bf helps with that
I never really told anyone about it except my bf
It's something out of my control
I searched about it and tge closest thing i found to my situation is calked ddlg
(i know it's weird im sorry..)

I just looked that up now too and sorry, but this just isn't adding up for me. That's a term for some sort of sexual kink between consenting adults but you say that you feeling little is out of your control. You also say that you have to act mature around your family but again if feeling little is out of your control then how does that work? I'm just not hugely comfortable continuing this conversation. If this is a genuine issue for you I hope that you will keep seeking help and best of luck working things out.

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

I just looked that up now too and sorry, but this just isn't adding up for me. That's a term for some sort of sexual kink between consenting adults but you say that you feeling little is out of your control. You also say that you have to act mature around your family but again if feeling little is out of your control then how does that work? I'm just not hugely comfortable continuing this conversation. If this is a genuine issue for you I hope that you will keep seeking help and best of luck working things out.

Yees there are people who sexualize it. I don't
It's like a copping mechanism for me

I'm just not hugely comfortable continuing this conversation. If this is a genuine issue for you I hope that you will keep seeking help and best of luck working things out.

Thank you
Have a good day

 

[disconnection]

Yees there are people who sexualize it. I don't
It's like a copping mechanism for me

Thank you
Have a good day

And yet you said sometimes your bf helps you hide among the stuffed animals. Kind of sounds like sexualising it to me.

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

And yet you said sometimes your bf helps you hide among the stuffed animals. Kind of sounds like sexualising it to me.

Noo not at all
He talks to me, makes me feel safe, tells me things that calms me and makes me feel good, be nice and kind to me, plays with me and gives his opinion about my drawings and stuff like that
It's never sexual to me

 

[disconnection]

Noo not at all
He talks to me, makes me feel safe, tells me things that calms me and makes me feel good, be nice and kind to me, plays with me and gives his opinion about my drawings and stuff like that
It's never sexual to me

Ah okay. Glad you have such a kind and supportive boyfriend.

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

Ah okay. Glad you have such a kind and supportive boyfriend.

Not really.. Thanks tho

 

[disconnection]

Not really.. Thanks tho

Oh no? Sounded like it...

 

[Lost.]

I literally felt as a child in my disociations year ago. Now i like a child because of my life is mess.

 

[disconnection]

I literally felt as a child in my disociations year ago. Now i like a child because of my life is mess.

Sorry to hear it - falling out of the natural pattern of things does quickly make everything fall apart I've found too. Good luck working out a way forwards

 

[Cashewmilk]

Noo not at all
He talks to me, makes me feel safe, tells me things that calms me and makes me feel good, be nice and kind to me, plays with me and gives his opinion about my drawings and stuff like that
It's never sexual to me

I can relate except I hate being touched by anyone except my pets. I talk in squeaky voices and make faces like I did when I was a child. It's also out of my control and my mom hates it so much but I have decided to just ignore everyone and let it happen because it feels good. I sing lullabies and collect stuffed animals and talk cutesy and childish... sometimes I wonder if my neighbors know how old I really am because during summer I would sing cinderelly to my cats, and blow bubbles. If I had kids or babysat kids they would love me lmao. I do it most when I feel happy or content. I think it has something to do with my inability to let go of my childhood. As a child I felt ripped away from my playtime and alone time, peaceful time to go to school. School was extremely traumatic for me as a young child, I was verbally abused by teachers and bullied, and yelled at by my parents constantly... there was a lot of fear in my childhood.

Clearly I had a mental problem but nobody figured it out at the time, it was mid 90s small town, I could have had autism or adhd but instead they made me get a hearing test lol. No therapy or psych evaluation, and then look what happened I attempted suicide at 14! I dream about my past youth years daily, constantly being reminded of my confusing scary years of being imprisoned and enslaved, that's how I felt being forced to do things my parents wanted and what society wanted.

 

[LonelySoul]

When it comes to independence and self reliance I basically have none. The 2 major contributing factors being that I suffered multiple concussions growing up ruining my overall problem solving plus my short and long term memory and my mother taking it upon herself to do literally EVERYTHING in my daily life. I do have a car but I can't drive on highways and busy roads because of anxiety (Plus the state I live in is full of terrible mean drivers) If I was suddenly thrown into the world by myself I'd end up homeless in a matter of days or weeks. I maybe in my mid 20's but i'm nowhere near being a true adult.

I used to drive everywhere, was very independent and loved it. One day, I had a panic attack whilst driving on the motorway and I thought I was going to die, trying to control my panic, trying to control my car, it was horrendous. I've not driven on motorways since and that was 6 years ago. But piece by piece my driving has become more and more fraught with anxiety and I can barely drive up the road by myself. My world is imploding. I do not know how to fix this problem.

Noo not at all
He talks to me, makes me feel safe, tells me things that calms me and makes me feel good, be nice and kind to me, plays with me and gives his opinion about my drawings and stuff like that
It's never sexual to me

I have a friend who indulges me in my childish ways. I talk baby talk when I am in his company. It makes me feel safe. I also go to bed with my Teddy and drift off much more peacefully cuddling my Teddy. I carry a little Bear in my handbag too, my comforter for when I am feeling anxious.

If our feelings of anxiety were not met and acknowledged when we were children, very often these feelings can manifest in adulthood. It is a coping with life mechanism.

 

[sadghost]

OP, I relate to how you're feeling so much! I actually can't believe I'm an adult. Sometimes it just hits like a truck. Being an adult is scary, it's like suddenly you have all of these responsibilities and it's easy to feel alone (but you're not ).

 

[Deleted member 14573]

I relate.

I'm moving out in a couple of months and I'm a little nervous. I lost one of my other jobs but I have one now which can keep me going each week.

I sometimes forget things and shirk my responsibilities.

But more than that I feel emotionally immature. Very needy and unstable. I don't know how I will do it on my own.