does anybody else experience self hatred everyday?

[chronicdissosiation]

ive always been critical and aware of my flaws since I was a child, ive been depressed for years and ive been living inadequately with myself
insecurity is something i deal with everyday and although i ignore it most of the time, it hits me like a bus
im nonbinary and i dont identify as a man or a woman
i desperately wish i could somewhat feel comfortable in my skin but its a process that takes time
i dislike any reflective surfaces in fear of having to look at myself
im a person of color and i carry a lot of internalized racism towards myself
especially with being a first generation immigrant, i have a burden on my shoulders to be something special or successful
ive abused drugs heavily and its turned most of my brain into sludge, i actually have no dreams or career plans im interested in
ive just tried ignoring it, still dont have proper coping skills
does anybody else have similar beliefs?

 

[flyingjustice]

i dislike any reflective surfaces in fear of having to look at myself
im a person of color and i carry a lot of internalized racism towards myself

I'm South East Asian living in the United States and the darkest in my family so definitely feel this. My mom raised us to believe that being in the sun and becoming dark is bad, one of my earlier memories is putting baby powder on myself when I was 6 or 7 to try and become lighter but then my older brother caught me. My mom is also the lightest one in the family, go figure. Now it is ALWAYS on my mind, every single moment I see my arms I am reminded of it. It made dating in high school and college difficult. My ex could sense my insecurity.

 

[Malaria]

Yes, I am extremely self loathing. It's to the point where I end up sabotaging a lot of good things that happen in my life because I feel like I don't deserve it. I blame myself for everything. I self deprecate a lot. The idea of loving myself repulses me. I often wish I was someone else. And I would often pretend to be someone I'm not because I believe the real me is just a loathsome person.

 

[sserafim]

im a person of color and i carry a lot of internalized racism towards myself
especially with being a first generation immigrant, i have a burden on my shoulders to be something special or successful

How do you know if you have internalized racism towards yourself?

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I've always used music to describe my emotion. Here's the song that I play



Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my fucking misery

Ive nearly passed out doing that false chord scream (I can't do the full 18 seconds) but it does make me feel something.

 

[Malaria]

How do you know if you have internalized racism towards yourself?

As someone who has experienced internalized racism, the way I went through it was just feeling inferior and unworthy of respect or love because of my skin color/DNA. I don't feel this way as much as I used to, but it was something that really was weighing on me several years ago. I felt like a worthless person because of my skin color.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

ive always been critical and aware of my flaws since I was a child, ive been depressed for years and ive been living inadequately with myself
insecurity is something i deal with everyday and although i ignore it most of the time, it hits me like a bus
im nonbinary and i dont identify as a man or a woman
i desperately wish i could somewhat feel comfortable in my skin but its a process that takes time
i dislike any reflective surfaces in fear of having to look at myself
im a person of color and i carry a lot of internalized racism towards myself
especially with being a first generation immigrant, i have a burden on my shoulders to be something special or successful
ive abused drugs heavily and its turned most of my brain into sludge, i actually have no dreams or career plans im interested in
ive just tried ignoring it, still dont have proper coping skills
does anybody else have similar beliefs?

That's your parents and their "friends" fuxking you up. When I say friends I mean people they can show you off to like a dancing monkey "look at my child they did this this and this". It's called narcissistic and abuse parents. I can't believe this short matches so many people's situations on here it's crazy:


I'm mixed ancestry (I'm considered white in the UK) but if I stay extended periods in Spain - I tan heavily due to very southern European roots (close to Africa). It doesn't make much difference though - wasn't in the feel group at school, or the sports lot, or the loser group or the black group. In the UK nobody really gives a fuck about race. But if you act "autistic" then you ain't getting along with anyone. That was the difficulty I had. The mind aspect.

Copes now : drawing (I do full A3 pieces but can't post here or it'll reveal me), play games.

Sanity : just sitting with my dog or she's next to me when I do art.

 

[Proteus]

I hate everyone except me lol.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

As someone who has experienced internalized racism, the way I went through it was just feeling inferior and unworthy of respect or love because of my skin color/DNA. I don't feel this way as much as I used to, but it was something that really was weighing on me several years ago. I felt like a worthless person because of my skin color.

Even 15/16 years ago in secondary school (I went to an all boys school) the only colour that mattered was green. Yes, money. Sounds stupid but even in 6th form you were cool if you had the newer gadget, new car, etc. doesn't matter if family gave it to you or what not - you just had it if you had money.

I hate everyone except me lol.

Opposite - don't deal with anyone anymore and don't like myself.

 

[Tenshi_vhc]

I grew up not looking the most attractive. I had facial hair as a female growing up that I wasn't allowed to shave off so it made it worse. I still grown quite a lot but I can take care of it my self now. But I can really relate to this.

 

[lotus11]

Me extremely. I have had an extremely eating disorder for 15 years in an attempt t9 keep myself as a normal thin looking human. I don't eat and am heavily addicted to laxatives. I have not looked at a photo or video of myself in about 10 years because I can't face it...there have been one or two very rare occasions when I see one by accident that someone has taken and I realise that I am in fact...disgusting, even worse than I imagined and that always fucks me up for a little while

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I don't hate myself. I hate the world, society and other people

 

[Silent_cries]

Yes, I deal with crippling self-hatred every day. I hate myself more than anything bc I've done horrible things to people and thus I see myself as nothing but a monster. Self-hatred is the worst, I feel you so much on that one!

Btw, out of curiousness, as a nonbinary, what would your ideal body be like? More masculine, more feminine, a mix of both or neither? You don't have to answer if ur not comfortable, I'm just a very curious person who likes learning new things tbh.

I hope things gets better for you and/or that you find peace. Sending you hugs <3

 

[sserafim]

No, I don't hate myself. I hate the world, society and other people

Yaas you go girl guy

 

[Olisop21.]

I hate myself every 2nd of every day.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yaas you go girl guy

bro sis, what-

(Yeah, no, yours was way better but at least I learnt the power of striking through text)

 

[Surfie]

I absolutely do hate myself. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I gave up on trying to stand up for myself years ago but just recently I don't have the spark in me that made me stand up against injustice towards other people. I have some friends but no one I can talk to about how I feel. My Dad died last year - I was his Carer for the last few years of his life - and I miss him so much. I used to be close to my Mother but she has quite a spiteful streak in her. I'll tell her about something that's worrying me and then she'll use it as a stick to beat me with when she's angry with me about something. I struggle with my weight and she's called me a fat lump and told me I'm disgusting. I've internalised so many negative self beliefs from things she's said to me, I just don't see how I can escape from this mental prison. The only way out for me is to CTB and I honestly can't wait. I'm not even worried about the pain any more - I just need the most foolproof method that causes least inconvenience to other people. I just know that nothing is more painful than living.

 

[sserafim]

bro sis, what-

(Yeah, no, yours was way better but at least I learnt the power of striking through text)

Lol I call my friends and sister "bro" and "dude" so you can call me that. I prefer being called "bro" rather than "sis". It sounds better to me. I started using strikethrough on this forum haha

 

[Meteora]

I do and it is so unbearable.

 

[4.I.2.Must.Die]

When you're diagnosed autistic, combination ADHD and you suspect you have traits of BPD you'll certainly have a lot to hate about the way you think, feel and act. You never know whether you really can control or change your behaviour.

 

[hopeless08]

I absolutely do hate myself. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I gave up on trying to stand up for myself years ago but just recently I don't have the spark in me that made me stand up against injustice towards other people. I have some friends but no one I can talk to about how I feel. My Dad died last year - I was his Carer for the last few years of his life - and I miss him so much. I used to be close to my Mother but she has quite a spiteful streak in her. I'll tell her about something that's worrying me and then she'll use it as a stick to beat me with when she's angry with me about something. I struggle with my weight and she's called me a fat lump and told me I'm disgusting. I've internalised so many negative self beliefs from things she's said to me, I just don't see how I can escape from this mental prison. The only way out for me is to CTB and I honestly can't wait. I'm not even worried about the pain any more - I just need the most foolproof method that causes least inconvenience to other people. I just know that nothing is more painful than living.

For sure the source of hating yourself comes from your mom's horrible psychological abuse. That's horrible.
She probably hates herself and is reflecting it on you but the fact that you took care of your father before he passed speaks volumes as to what a good person you are.

 

[wildflowers1996]

yes :(

 

[Endofit]

I do hate what I've become

 

[ultimategrandfinal]

I pretty much spend every single sober conscious waking moment hating what I am and what I have so, yeah...

 

[brokeandbroken]

ive always been critical and aware of my flaws since I was a child, ive been depressed for years and ive been living inadequately with myself
insecurity is something i deal with everyday and although i ignore it most of the time, it hits me like a bus
im nonbinary and i dont identify as a man or a woman
i desperately wish i could somewhat feel comfortable in my skin but its a process that takes time
i dislike any reflective surfaces in fear of having to look at myself
im a person of color and i carry a lot of internalized racism towards myself
especially with being a first generation immigrant, i have a burden on my shoulders to be something special or successful
ive abused drugs heavily and its turned most of my brain into sludge, i actually have no dreams or career plans im interested in
ive just tried ignoring it, still dont have proper coping skills
does anybody else have similar beliefs?

Absolutely I am my own harshest critic and I am nearly universally hated or pitied. Neither things you want to be. I hate myself for so so many things. That said I weirdly don't regret much. I hate myself for not having a support system that cares about me that said I clearly lack the ability to cultivate that.

 

[pluscat]

Absolutely, though weirdly as I've got closer to the date I CTB it's kinda went away that's what compels me so much, because just by planning the end of my life my self hatred melts away and I'm so happy, it's ruled my life for so long and stopped me from doing everything I wanted.

 

[tronix]

I hate my mistakes and insecurities. And I hate my past experiences that made me who I am. I hate the fact that I'm a perfectionist and I care about other people even if they don't care about me at all.

 

[Spaztism]

Sadly yes. It's a massive factor to why I plan on ctb because since I was a kid I've masked majority of who I am and I can't even remember who I am and I feel like a monster due to the shit I've delt and gone through

 

[zzeroo]

Yep..

 

[chronicdissosiation]

Yes, I deal with crippling self-hatred every day. I hate myself more than anything bc I've done horrible things to people and thus I see myself as nothing but a monster. Self-hatred is the worst, I feel you so much on that one!

Btw, out of curiousness, as a nonbinary, what would your ideal body be like? More masculine, more feminine, a mix of both or neither? You don't have to answer if ur not comfortable, I'm just a very curious person who likes learning new things tbh.

I hope things gets better for you and/or that you find peace. Sending you hugs <3

honestly, with my ideal body type, id prefer to be more masculine
im severely underweight and i have a baby face
although i could pass off as androgynous, i kind of hate it
and thank you ! i appreciate the support