Discussion Do you want, or do you plan on having a special last meal?

[Unsure and alone]

Your allowed your phone in psych wards in the UK but if they caught you using it in any way that can harm you then they can confiscate it.

Rule of thumb in the UK psyc wards is that they give you majority of your stuff and if you are caught trying to harm yourself with anything then they remove such item. Such as they allow you do have long charging wires but if they catch you attempting to ligature they will permanently remove it.

Thanks for explaining that.
I'm elsewhere.
My experience with wards has been they inspect absolutely everything that you want to have.

And remove anything you could use to get into trouble with.

So no phone.
Calls outside are on their schedule ( subject to being canceled just because the staff doesn't want to do their job even if it's the time we were told we are allowed to make a call . ) and on an old corded phone on the desk at which a staff member is always near or it will only be a few minutes until they are.
No shoe laces .
If you have sneakers say bye to the laces .
No scissors, not even child safety scissors.
Special pens and pencils.
To reduce what you could do if you're creative enough.
No metal , or restricted.
It's okay to have zippers and a button on clothes for example.
Soap / shampoo for showers is given at a certain time and only once. You can't ask for more later .
In little cups because they don't trust you with too much of that.

If you are well behaved .
Most better staff will let you seek some alone time.
But of course that is limited in where and when you are allowed such things.
The better Staff will still wander by supposedly not checking on you around every 15 minutes but they totally are.

Even the staff mostly pretends they don't have cell phones.
Although one was cool enough one time to go into the gray area and let us make song requests .
That staff member used their phone to play the requested songs.


Other staff is a nightmare waiting to happen.
And everyone even other staff knows it .

I got lucky and mostly saw what could happen if I stepped out of line.
And wondered / worried about what you couldn't see happen.

I wasn't there long .
But it made a lasting impression.
I won't risk going back.
I'm aware there are other places that are far worse than that one was.
I guess I'm just weaker than others in handling the memories.
Handling the many emotions.


I don't believe I'd survive being through it again.
Fake it , get out and eventually make an attempt .
I'm fragile enough some moments without going through it again.


Sounds super fun right ?
Nothing like a caged animal
Masking to get out .
Lucky they didn't catch the crying at night
Lucky they didn't catch the screaming without a sound .

Cause I pretended to be sleeping .
I did have a sheet for a blanket there .
Used that to hide that I was hurting like that from what was.

No intervention since it looked like just an attempt to sleep.
Since the worst nights just meant I was curled up as well as that .
Yet it still looked like an attempt to get to sleep so I was left alone.

I'm grateful for that at least.
Even as I'm so angry about it all.

I hadn't been a real threat to myself.
Not then .
Just yelled something dumb one night.
Cracking under the pressure.

But the memories broke loose and it's definitely playing into my why.

Part of not all of why .

Well it seems I had a lot I didn't know I needed to say right now.


Do they search you there when you arrive ?
Strip search that is.

 

[CocoToxBase]

Thanks for explaining that.
I'm elsewhere.
My experience with wards has been they inspect absolutely everything that you want to have.

And remove anything you could use to get into trouble with.

So no phone.
Calls outside are on their schedule ( subject to being canceled just because the staff doesn't want to do their job even if it's the time we were told we are allowed to make a call . ) and on an old corded phone on the desk at which a staff member is always near or it will only be a few minutes until they are.
No shoe laces .
If you have sneakers say bye to the laces .
No scissors, not even child safety scissors.
Special pens and pencils.
To reduce what you could do if you're creative enough.
No metal , or restricted.
It's okay to have zippers and a button on clothes for example.
Soap / shampoo for showers is given at a certain time and only once. You can't ask for more later .
In little cups because they don't trust you with too much of that.

If you are well behaved .
Most better staff will let you seek some alone time.
But of course that is limited in where and when you are allowed such things.
The better Staff will still wander by supposedly not checking on you around every 15 minutes but they totally are.

Even the staff mostly pretends they don't have cell phones.
Although one was cool enough one time to go into the gray area and let us make song requests .
That staff member used their phone to play the requested songs.


Other staff is a nightmare waiting to happen.
And everyone even other staff knows it .

I got lucky and mostly saw what could happen if I stepped out of line.
And wondered / worried about what you couldn't see happen.

I wasn't there long .
But it made a lasting impression.
I won't risk going back.
I'm aware there are other places that are far worse than that one was.
I guess I'm just weaker than others in handling the memories.
Handling the many emotions.


I don't believe I'd survive being through it again.
Fake it , get out and eventually make an attempt .
I'm fragile enough some moments without going through it again.


Sounds super fun right ?
Nothing like a caged animal
Masking to get out .
Lucky they didn't catch the crying at night
Lucky they didn't catch the screaming without a sound .

Cause I pretended to be sleeping .
I did have a sheet for a blanket there .
Used that to hide that I was hurting like that from what was.

No intervention since it looked like just an attempt to sleep.
Since the worst nights just meant I was curled up as well as that .
Yet it still looked like an attempt to get to sleep so I was left alone.

I'm grateful for that at least.
Even as I'm so angry about it all.

I hadn't been a real threat to myself.
Not then .
Just yelled something dumb one night.
Cracking under the pressure.

But the memories broke loose and it's definitely playing into my why.

Part of not all of why .

Well it seems I had a lot I didn't know I needed to say right now.


Do they search you there when you arrive ?
Strip search that is.

Sounds like hell compared to here. There are different levels of psych wards tho. I'm on the least restrictive one. The high level security ones are for seriously mental ill people who have like killed people and stuff but this hospital is mainly for people who harm themselves and not others if you know what I mean.

You do get searched but not strip searched. Unless they have reasonable grounds that is. If they have seen something on you and suspect it's hidden in areas they can see they can can strip search. They don't like to as it ruins trust and dignity but if it's what they have to do they will do it.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Wouldn't wanna secrete too much of processed stuff when i kick the bucket, so probably nothing the day before I go..
But prior to that, Pasta, i think, or just a good steak.

 

[FloopZee]

A cheesesteak, wings, and a sweet tea. That sounds good :) edit: spelling

Special last meal doesn't work with SN as method because you have to fast.

What about before you start your fast?

 

[Unsure and alone]

Sounds like hell compared to here. There are different levels of psych wards tho. I'm on the least restrictive one. The high level security ones are for seriously mental ill people who have like killed people and stuff but this hospital is mainly for people who harm themselves and not others if you know what I mean.

You do get searched but not strip searched. Unless they have reasonable grounds that is. If they have seen something on you and suspect it's hidden in areas they can see they can can strip search. They don't like to as it ruins trust and dignity but if it's what they have to do they will do it.

It definitely does ruin a lot .
Starting out that way.

I probably would have taken more action to try and recover if the kind of level of ward you describe was what I was risking.
If I'm honest probably still would.
If there was help without shattering what's left of me .
Though I would hope to do outpatient or something .
Both to keep more freedom and because I don't want others in my life to know .
Especially not family .

I held on for a long time .
I'm really glad I found Sausu.
For several reasons.

Now I'm walking the line between both and waiting for when I know it's time.

I'm still reaching out some .
But obviously I haven't told anyone that I am gathering the means to be able to die.
There's relief in taking action .
In knowing/ hoping that soon I'll have a choice.
I say hoping because it's not really sure until the SN arrives and passes the blood test.
In the meantime.
I'm gathering the other things needed for the test .

I don't know what I'm going to do yet.
Part of me feels like I'm marching towards my funeral. I'm already half dead a lot of days.

And yet there's something that hasn't completely given up yet.
Something still asking questions.

So for now I hang out walking both lines
Knowing eventually a choice will have to be made.
Just not quite yet .

Sounds like hell compared to here. There are different levels of psych wards tho. I'm on the least restrictive one. The high level security ones are for seriously mental ill people who have like killed people and stuff but this hospital is mainly for people who harm themselves and not others if you know what I mean.

You do get searched but not strip searched. Unless they have reasonable grounds that is. If they have seen something on you and suspect it's hidden in areas they can see they can can strip search. They don't like to as it ruins trust and dignity but if it's what they have to do they will do it.

And yeah I know what you mean about only being a danger to yourself.

 

[returntothevoid]

No, I don't see eating as something enjoyable, it's just something I have to do to avoid further suffering. I'd be glad to no longer have to eat again, eating is a burdensome chore, I find the thought of non-existence to be very comforting as then I'll no longer be enslaved in the flesh prison that is the human body.

Fucken amen