Discussion Do you still have hope?

[Tiburcio]

One can't lose what they never possessed in the first place, so no. Hope sucks, anyway. It's nothing, but a tainted anchor to keep you trapped/deluded in this twisted universe of pain we all have the great misfortune of currently occupying. Fuck hope.

Oh yeah I love this post, FUCK hope.

Also I didn't know the quote. I love it too.

 

[harakiri-enthusiast]

If i didn't i think i would have already done it.

 

[maktubler]

No, not anymore.
I feel like I've already died, I've been a hollow shell for the past 2 years.

I agree. I feel like my soul died a long time ago and left my body drifting through time. I'm just here in painful lingo. Living an existential nightmare.

 

[spicyfriedtofu]

I actually think it's exactly the very fluctuation between having hope and feeling I'll never feel better that makes me want to kill myself. That just means I crash over and over again and I can't deal with this anymore. It's so unbearable to keep trying and always failing.

There's a good quote I love that sums up me very well: "Shows great potential, but achieves nothing". It's knowing my potential, but not being able to use it, that kills me.

 

[Revan]

Yes, I still have my "Star Wars: A New Hope" DVD.

 

[ForestDuck]

nah i got no hope left. I'm pretty dead inside and consider quitting my job every morning. I could write a thesis on how shitty my life is (and always has been) and why I should kill myself basically.

It's funny because going to a therapist for 2 years has made me figure out the exact reasons I want to die and how shitty my upbringing was and how trash my parents are. So I guess getting "help" has just helped me realize I need to die even more.

This is basically me.. Counselling makes me want to kill myself more and more everytime I go. My job is boring af even though I did a degree just to get it. Wish my N arrived sooner, I'd end now if I could..

 

[maktubler]

Its not really a question of hope. For me its about existential exhaustion. My tiredness of life is what makes me want to CTB.

 

[Vvoiid]

I've lost all proper hope; sometimes I have fleeting moments where I think I might carry on instead, but it's less to do with hope and more about curiousity about the future and wanting closure.
I want to die because I'm so isolated, and sometimes I think that I might meet someone I could become friends with, but it's easy to dismiss because my situation practically makes that impossible. Also, I have experienced true love; they were the only person I've ever cared about and could relate to and they are ignoring me...I can't ever replace them so it's useless to try to fill that void, and I know that they were my last hope; I could have carried on living if they were there for me but they weren't...so I feel like this is meant to happen - if I weren't meant to die then I wouldn't be so dislikeable and easy to ignore and so insignificant to others.
If the most accepting, caring individual I've ever come across doesn't want anything to do with me, then what hope do I have?
There's no hope for a paranoid, extremely anxious and depressed, insane person who is mistreated by all and whose very existence is rejected.

That could've been written by me. We're very similar.

 

[Dip]

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment."

 

[creatureoflight]

i still have some hope. I'm not seriously considering suicide at the moment. I'm just here to talk about methods and thoughts and stuff. But when the time comes I will do it. For me, it is not a question of if, but a question of when. So yeah, suicide gives me hope for living on in a strange way?

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I was first thinking, "I wish I still had hope." But then I realized the last 21 years of hell are all attributable to my past hope. The perfect time for me to die was the morning my mom died. Since then, every year has gotten worse than the one before it. I stuck around because all the therapists and doctors TOLD me to have hope, to keep trying. But none of them ever had to pay the price of my string of consistent failures.

I'm here still not because I have hope, but rather because I'm a coward.

 

[creatureoflight]

I was first thinking, "I wish I still had hope." But then I realized the last 21 years of hell are all attributable to my past hope. The perfect time for me to die was the morning my mom died. Since then, every year has gotten worse than the one before it. I stuck around because all the therapists and doctors TOLD me to have hope, to keep trying. But none of them ever had to pay the price of my string of consistent failures.

I'm here still not because I have hope, but rather because I'm a coward.

I don't think you're a coward. I don't think a lot of people could go through what you have went through (I don't think suicide is cowardly, either).

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

nah i got no hope left. I'm pretty dead inside and consider quitting my job every morning. I could write a thesis on how shitty my life is (and always has been) and why I should kill myself basically.

It's funny because going to a therapist for 2 years has made me figure out the exact reasons I want to die and how shitty my upbringing was and how trash my parents are. So I guess getting "help" has just helped me realize I need to die even more.

This.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I don't think you're a coward. I don't think a lot of people could go through what you have went through (I don't think suicide is cowardly, either).

Thank you for your kindness.

 

[Tiburcio]

I don't think you're a coward. I don't think a lot of people could go through what you have went through (I don't think suicide is cowardly, either).

I agree with this. Don't feel like a coward, it's something too hard for being done in the moment.

I was first thinking, "I wish I still had hope." But then I realized the last 21 years of hell are all attributable to my past hope. The perfect time for me to die was the morning my mom died. Since then, every year has gotten worse than the one before it. I stuck around because all the therapists and doctors TOLD me to have hope, to keep trying. But none of them ever had to pay the price of my string of consistent failures.

I'm here still not because I have hope, but rather because I'm a coward.

Yeah therapists doesn't help at all, each time I had to go with them I left the room like if I had poison in my gut.

 

[pride and prejudeath]

No. At least I still have a bit of time before the pieces are in place and I'll need to ctb. But that day will inevitably arrive, no matter what I do, so I'm just trying to be nice and hedonistic until it does.

 

[6477244ts5]

DF90 I feel the same often on the days my physical pain is a little less, weather is good, some task I need to do works out. But there is always something that crushes that feeling. Bad pain day, lost opportunity, person meddling etc. I actually have a real chance at the moment but a health issue is looking like its going to prevent me from taking it...the one real chance I have had for so long. And of course that's what happens...as things never work out.

 

[typx]

No, not really. It's just a practical thing at this point. When I really look at the reality of my situation and what brought me here; there isn't any way out of it. Hope did keep me going for a long time. It's amazing how long you can run on that.

 

[Comatose11]

No. I just don't see any other options other than death at this point.

 

[FadedMemory]

Nope. I'm too emotionally damaged to function.

 

[Willdieby30]

i really don't. certain things, such as travel plans may artificially lengthen my life, but things are essentially over. there is no enjoyment of life for me. maybe pride sometimes, but that is it.

 

[Sharethepain]

I have never been able to completely extinguish the flame of hope. It´s always clawing at the back of my mind. Like, perhaps if my ex started talking to me again, something could change. Rationally though, I know that I was taking away her happiness. Long story short, perhaps if she really loved me again, I might be able to see the light, but who am I kidding, its not going to happen.

 

[LoverofDeath]

I had hope years ago but not anymore...

 

[Kev]

I was always a hopeful and positive, but ugly kid. I thought "oh I just have to work to improve myself and I will find someone!". But after a decade of trying and trying and failing every time, the light of hope is all but gone. As I've matured I realized the true nature of the human courting process, the insignificance of my existence, how undesirable I really am, the mundanity of everyday life, and when I envision my life years from now (if I'm still around), I see myself alone, sad, and working for no real purpose. I believe the chances of life getting better are nonzero, but in the same way that the chances of god existing are nonzero. I see no evidence to support these possibilities and plenty of evidence against them, but as they say, you never know.

So, to answer the question: I don't know. There are a lot of good things in my life and from a third-person view, it may seem that I have a good life. However, the years of the interplay between my loneliness, insecurity, lack of belonging, and constant rejection have extinguished what used to be my bright-eyed, ambitious, optimistic perspective on life.

 

[Tiburcio]

Don't call it hope, call it blindfold.

 

[Fixin’ToDie]

Hope? At my age, nope.

 

[I want to end it]

I brought up in the discord that most days I want to ctb, even when I feel happy I still have a voice in the back of my head that tells me to kill myself and that it's not worth it. But every now and then I get a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, l can turn my life around and be relatively happy despite all my issues. Most of those glimmers turn out to be bullshit, but still it happens. I'm not sure. I guess, no matter how much I want to die, I still have the tiniest bit of hope on some days that it can get better.

Does anyone else experience this or have you completely lost all hope?

Everyone needs you here to run the site :( You do a great job.


I have little to no hope. I'm just preparing all that I need to use my N and make absolutely sure I do not fail with my attempt.

 

[killmepls]

Yes I almost always have stupid fucking hope that things will get better and they never do

 

[Paulsmith]

No i don't have any hope left. It sucks being me.

 

[leader-akiko]

There are two of me. One of me does all the right things (therapy, meds, pole dance practice) and wants to live. The other me wants to die. I honestly do not know which will win.