Do you speak about your suicidal ideation irl ?

[unluckysadness]

I wish I could speak about my suicidal ideation in real life but if I do so, they will put me into psych ward and it's the last thing I deserve.
How do you cope with this secret ? It's really going to drive me crazy !! I'm highly suicidal since 4 years now and I don't see any other option than ctb. I have ideation since 30+ years but it got worse after multiple traumas. Why can't I just have access to a little N bottle ?

 

[knowledgeseeking]

I did initially, but it just seemed to worry people. After I did they were constantly calling and if I didn't answer right away it would send them into panic.

It was easier on everyone when I convinced them I was fine. Since then I only speak of it on here.

 

[TAW122]

I don't for obvious reasons, and will never speak of it IRL especially in the last 10-15 years as suicide prevention rhetoric has become more and more aggressive, ever-present and also more paternalistic. I simply will not risk being detained or locked up (even temporary) against my will or even have a lot of 'concerning busybodies' to an already miserable, stressful, and challenging life.

I only speak about the topic of suicide on here, SaSu as it's one of the few places that allow open discussion of the topic (along with methods and method efficacy) without censorship, judgment, or unwanted paternalism.

 

[burninghill]

I have spoken to a few friends about it and even confessed to my attempts, but nobody really seems to care. Nothing has come of it

 

[thelostautistic]

I used to when I was under mental health services but not anymore. I personally don't find it very helpful and I don't trust people. I just feel like I bring everyone down and people don't understand my situation. People say it's ok to be open about your mental health but when it comes to suicide it's not ok. I've been made to feel like my struggles are too much so I just keep quiet in real life

I'm very grateful for this space though. It's nice to speak to other people that get how I feel.

 

[em4250]

Speak about it fairly openly, my friends and family are very supportive and I can't be bothered to pretend to be okay anymore

 

[Useless Idiot]

Those things come out of my mouth, not seriously though. I have been wanting to ctb for a long time, but I can't ever find the courage. I wonder if I will ever be able to at all. That makes those stuff come out of my mouth. I want to die, I have to die but I can't.

 

[thehorizons]

No. That just raises red flags. I'll speak about it when I'm eligible for VAD in Switzerland or MAID in Canada cause at that point it'll be objectively justifiable and understandable.

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

only with people who understand

 

[Dinozauria]

No, I've never uttered a single word about it Irl :')

I did talk about my self-harm, but the people around me acted so weird after I did. It was the worst feeling ever. Just made me overwhelmed and constantly nervous, so I'd rather not talk about my suicidal ideation irl. Especially cuz I already know that'd get a bigger reaction. Plus, I don't really want help with it

The only way I can cope with not telling anybody is by going on here, and finding all the media I can about suicide online

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I've told a friend, therapists, hotlines, my parents, and my brother. Didn't help.

 

[Resol]

I've tried to, but people don't want to hear about it. Some directly say they don't want to hear, others just get angry.

 

[cowboypants]

I've told my then psychiatrist and therapist. I honestly was feeling so numb maybe the meds. I have also hinted to my sister once or twice. She herself is suicidal. She doesn't know how serious I'm with it,

I don't think many understand it. Those who aren't having SI. I have said it on other forums online and usually get non-supportive answers and I expect that by default ,as others could relate here, probably.I like to downplay tbh irl, even i myself feel empty about it. Besides the risk of getting under meds and hospitalization

 

[Untimely]

I would recommend against it. It is extremely risky unless you know for sure the other person is open minded/free thinking and is not just regurgitating the same talking points (it will get better, etc)

only with people who understand

Yep agree with you

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

yeah but then people just worry about you. don't want to be thinking about that when i'm finally trying to pull the trigger

I've told a friend, therapists, hotlines, my parents, and my brother. Didn't help.

maaaaan, f the hotlines. the guy i spoke to was so uninterested in the words i was saying in between sobs

 

[JackJoe234]

Sometimes I t I tell friends and they tell me to get professional help and then sometimes I tell professional helping they tell me to talk to a friend if I am struggling.

When I tell a psychiatrist or therapist I sometimes get admitted to the hospital so I have just not told them as often anymore.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

How do you cope with this secret ? It's really going to drive me crazy !!

I relate so much. Mid 40s here. Everyone on this thread is correct. Gotta keep our mouth shut. But it is so damn hard to hold it all in and it's comforting to see someone else say the same. Because I'm not an attention seeker, it's just a genuine feeling.

But of course, I'm sorry you feel this way at all

 

[Misery99]

No, not with the people whom I live with.

 

[mustard tiger]

I used to talk about it. But doctors, therapists, and society in general have made it very clear they do not want to hear about it. Hell even AI doesn't want to hear about it. So I will keep it to myself until the time comes.

 

[100elephants]

I got fired from therapy for being too open about my ideation, i was stressing out my therapist too much. Everyone in life tells you "go to therapy" because they lack the tools to help people in severe distress. Then you go and not even the therapist can handle it. Atleast he didnt put me in a ward. My brother had a good reaction, he came to visit me and gave me a lot of support. it helped me get through an especially bleak patch of my life.

 

[Cepheuss]

I talk about it with other people who have been or are suicidal but in a light way kinda just joking about it

 

[thelostautistic]

I got fired from therapy for being too open about my ideation, i was stressing out my therapist too much. Everyone in life tells you "go to therapy" because they lack the tools to help people in severe distress. Then you go and not even the therapist can handle it. Atleast he didnt put me in a ward. My brother had a good reaction, he came to visit me and gave me a lot of support. it helped me get through an especially bleak patch of my life.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I had a similar experience with a therapist and I've never forgotton it

 

[BrokenByTheSystem]

I've talked about it to my therapist, but in a logical and rational way. I said suicide was always an option to me since I realized I could think.

If you desperately talk about it of course they might think you're out of your own mind and they'll possibly take harder actions.

But, if you try to argue that you just don't want to comply with this existence then you have a point and in no way it's wrong, it's just your opinion.

 

[InTheAbyss]

No, I haven't talked to the people I know irl about my wanting to ctb. A few people irl do know that I've applied for euthanasia though. Since there's some magic difference between the two. "Only" asking for euthanasia is ok. But wanting to ctb is not. I have to be really careful around those few people to not hint that I'm planing to ctb if the euthanasia thing doesn't work out. One has already asked me several times if I'll ctb if I don't get approved for euthanasia.

The extra little kicker is I've been told by two doctors that I've spoken to about euthanasia to give up trying to get it and just ctb instead. If it's not "ok" for me to want it. How is it "ok" for these doctors to tell me to ctb?

 

[here_for_now]

Fuck no people don't give a shit and will play hot potato with ur life and throw u in the looney bin

 

[unluckysadness]

I relate so much. Mid 40s here. Everyone on this thread is correct. Gotta keep our mouth shut. But it is so damn hard to hold it all in and it's comforting to see someone else say the same. Because I'm not an attention seeker, it's just a genuine feeling.

But of course, I'm sorry you feel this way at all

I'm mid 40s too and my whole miserable life wasn't a life. It was just working for the system, paying taxes and suffering a lot. Alone with my pain.
I really hope we'll fnd some peace in afterlife because I don't trust this world anymore.

 

[thinvy]

lol I sort of tell people? I make it no secret I want to die. I think it's fairly obvious that I'm massively depressed and that i hate living, but I guess it hasn't sunk in for everyone around me. I've even subtly told people about my upcoming trip to off myself. Of course, I didn't say "I'm going home (to kill myself)", but I did tell my boss that "I'll likely drive myself home one last time maybe middle of summer-ish, so [my team] will have to figure out what they're doing without me then." I don't clearly say "I hate myself and I wish to die" but like... one time my old boss was doing ice breakers and she asked us what song we think best describes our life. I said Everything is Awful by the Decemberists or I'm Not a Good Person by Pat the Bunny bc I knew she'd only ask us to play a little bit if the song was unfamiliar. I was being honest, though.

I wish I could dance around and scream and shout at the top of my lungs "I'm dying soon! rejoice if you hate me, get in your loving now if you like me!" and to be able to tell the few people I actually care about that I do, but I can't afford any more setbacks. An injury fucked up my life insurance policy, so I've already had to wait two years for the no-payments-for-self-terminating policy to no longer kick in. only a few more days and I'm technically in the all clear. I'm not fucking all that up again and risking losing my policy entirely because I got sent to a ward for saying sentimentalities.