I don't resent my parents for getting together or doing the devil's tango.
However, mom was young when she had me, not even 25. I think this was reckless, I wish she would've waited to see if she could truly give all the necessary things to her child. Maybe volunteered to help others raise their children first, to see if the raising part was really her thing. I know she'd play with kids, babysit kids, and help out at a nursery, but those aren't the same thing as having a child that is around you 24/7, or is predominantly dependent on you. Those spend maybe 1-4 hours with you a day, and certainly not every day.
As per my dad, I think he ought to have considered getting with someone older. There were 8 years between them -- not what I'd consider predatory since they were both over eighteen, but not the best either (and my mother's history didn't help... she had her issues before dad appeared in her life) --, and towards the end of their relationship especially, communication faltered. I think she might have idolised him, I think I might have too -- though differently, obviously -- I think she might have depended on him a little too much, and they ultimately didn't quite share enough of the same life goals to remain together. As a result, they brought two children into the world, then split, leaving one parent dealing with most of the responsibility of dealing with them at their most volatile (during teenagehood), with little understanding (despite having been a teenager themselves) of the different situations and not quite able to move on, I don't think.
Besides this meaning that my early childhood was limited by the immaturity of the parents - which alone wouldn't be a problem, as it's not like people are born parents -, my adolescence was limited by the absence of parent(s), and the lack of understanding from whichever was around, and my view on relationships was further soured by not only the break up of my parents but the divorces and breakups of basically all their friends. The only couple I remember not breaking up ended with the woman (and mother) dying. Personally, I think it's fucked how basically every couple I knew ended up breaking up, but it's even more fucked that some couples that really shouldn't stay together do, despite clearly being toxic to one another, or despite one member being an abuser.
If my bias against any human relations - platonic, romantic, or sexual - wasn't ruined by that, then I guess my "friendships" didn't help either. The lies, the going behind my back, the secrets, the hypocrisy, and the unwillingness to actually listen while expecting me to listen, as well as several other pretty discomforting behaviours just added to my distrust. Granted, I failed in various aspects too - I had my own secrets, and I too got envious or uncooperative, but I never blamed them for that in any argument we had, I only now finally get to vent on that. I can't imagine if I opened up to them about being suicidal they would show even a hint of understanding. Knowing they've called me dramatic before for venting, knowing they thought arguments between me and someone else silly, knowing they made up a whole metaphor for how secretive I was, knowing they would hate me if I ever got acknowledged for going above and over somewhere they didn't think of going above and over in, and knowing they have to drag third and fourth parties into every situation, I know at best I'd feel suffocated and at worst, I'd only be fuelled in my desire to ctb. But this isn't about them, it's about my parents. Which, to be fair, the same can apply to, more or less.
I wonder if my parents would call me spoiled for this too. I also don't think I want to find out.
And to clarify, I don't resent my parents. Just that they had me... and some aspects of how they raised me, and even then... I voted "yes", but it's more complicated than that. It's the recklessness with which they had me that I will be damned if I ever repeat. I refuse to have a biological child, I would - could - never be a good parent. I know this. I accept this. It's not like I particularly want children, either. Those have hurt me about as much as the adults in my life.
