Discussion If your parents had somehow realised how life would turn out for you, do you think they still would have birthed you?

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not really sure. I know my Mum in particular, desperately wanted children. Would they have put their own needs first, even if they'd realised how unhappy and resentful I would end up? I think both my parents were/ are empathic people. Maybe it would have been enough to put them off.

Still, I think they probably also must have considered the wide array of shit that can befall a person. I think they rather clung to some idealised, sentimental vision that all problems can be overcome with enough love. Plus, I suppose they felt like they'd survived hardships but still (presumably) thought life was worthwhile.

What are your feelings? Do you suppose we just see the world so differently? I can't imagine thinking that bringing a child here is ok, experiencing and seeing life the way I do. I can only imagine that they don't see it that way. Something about them must be different. Even if they've had hard lives themselves, there must be something about life they see as being very worthwhile.

Or, is it really just that they want to experience parenthood and, they give less thought to the reality that this is a sentient being they're bringing here? I guess it's just normalised as something you're supposed to consider and do.

Even a therapist asked me if I wanted children. I just thought- I don't think you should be encouraging someone who's clearly struggling in life to bring another lifeform here to (very likely) struggle as well! Like- I think I could understand where she was coming from. Trying to bring another strand of meaning/ purpose into my life but still- at what expense?! A poor little living crutch for me to lean on? That seems messed up to me.

I suppose I'm so curious about the thought process. But then, it isn't a nice question to pose to either our own parents or parents in general. As in- what did you take into account when you decided to do this? Did you consider the possibility of your child's life going terribly wrong? Did you think that all problems would be solveable or, maybe they'd simply either just have to lump it (like you had to,) or, they'd come out stronger?

Still, it doesn't feel nice to be asking them to defend their decision. I expect in most cases, it was made with the best intentions, with love. Plus, in many, maybe even most cases, it probably works out fine. So, maybe it's not fair at all to criticize.

 

[Darkover]

parents are irresponsible because giving birth is a gamble they take the risk knowing full well something could go terribly wrong why would any parent gamble with there children, i think the parents are just selfish pleasuring themselves without any regard to how life will turn out for there children

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yes because my parents are the type of people to value life no matter what even if the child is suffering horribly. My sister suffered far worse than I am and my parents just gave her a whole bunch of toxic positivity and how "life is beautiful" and how "here, look, some person on tiktok who has multiple sclerosis is able to have happy thoughts so you can too!!" and "you're just being too negative". My parents don't give a single fuck about the suffering that me and my siblings has to endure because life to them is this ultimate, unarguable beauty

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Lately I have been thinking a lot how I must be a huge disappointment to my parents. I said something to that effect about my mom to a family friend recently, and she said " absolutely not. Your mother wanted to be a mom more than anything and you fulfill that wish for her." (still have exact text message to quote that lol.)

The comment just struck me as odd. Like did she just want to do the taking care of a baby parts? Or Did she fantasize about her daughter growing up to be as nice as she is and a huge success?

My mom wound up not even being able to enjoy her pregnancy and certain parts of my childhood because her mother was sick with a brain tumor. Would she rather have not done it at all since she didn't get to have a perfect dream experience? Was it worth it to have to deal with so much stress at once?


And then we wind up in today's situation. I tried to ctb about two years ago and they found out. My mom has always had a lot of health challenges so I've always kind of informally taking care of her. Now her health challenges are even greater and I am doing so much that she keeps saying things like "I hope you know I appreciate this and what would I do without you? And what would've happened if you had died from your attempt.?"
Were my parents the kind of people who always thought in the back of their mind that they needed someone to take care of them when they were older? I get the impression my father is not sorry to have me, but would it have been something he even chose to do if my mother hadn't wanted to. And you should see the way he looks at me lately when I do certain stuff and he shakes his head because I have the common sense of a five-year-old and can't handle being a grown-up.

I don't think back then much thought in general was given to what it would be like to bring a child into this world. I think the world is such a shit show today that's why more people are thinking like that.

I think ultimately they probably still would have birthed me because they don't know what it's like to be in my head and how I feel life is meaningless. And they wanted a family like a lot of people

I agree very much with your last paragraph

 

[Hollowman]

My mom told me if she knew how my life would go she wouldn't have had me.

 

[Pluto]

 

[ilvgore]

no, cause i caused them too much trouble xd AAAAAAAND they didn't want kids eitherway

 

[khscarymovie]

My dad said he regrets having me, I don't know about mom but she probably does. They were young and accidentally had me, I guess sad that their young decision may end up leading to their own lifelong depression if I end up killing self. My brothers seem to be raised more well adjusted and have more companionship, I don't know if they are regretted, but it would suck for them to have to go through everything after a suicide.

 

[human909]

Yes, they wanted to have children and probably would have thinked i would be selfish to catch the bus.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

My parents has a miscarriage before me and my twin were born. We were both their rainbow baby. My parents story is still odd to me, because they don't seem like they were in love, and just met having the same expectations on marriage and family, and being Gen X from a cultural background, it seemed they prioritized the importance of starting strong, and both delt with hardships, yet when they had me, they didn't seem to understand the implications of love, just that God would appreciate it, they'd be blessed, and they'd be given a better life with children, as families are usually protected under the government, too, in most parts of the world, but for how long? My parents weren't that caring in giving me love growing up, just giving me a life and that I would have to owe them mine when it was time. they had learned the necessities of giving away their time to care for a child, like cooking, housing, and clothing me, even putting me into daycare, where I grew most of my socialization and interests from, but never fully giving me the true love a child would need, and when I grew up, there were so many dysfunctional issues I felt from the bat, and I was only around 8 when I felt it on a daily basis, and they never cared about me as a human being, yet when I was growing up, the thought of love was always brought up, especially when I would blame them outwardly for their abuse, as I felt a bit of guilt on their faces, yet they felt like troubled people who were numb, yet couldn't be brought to understand the implications of what they've done to me, even if they'd tried — they'd go back to the same people they were and I faced their verbal insults on me needing to change for years, and for perhaps if they would care about how I'd be if they'd known? I'm not all too sure, really. They always had the same expression for years, except my father... But he was always somewhat like me from loneliness, as he was a really hard worker, and I had been told to appreciate what they done for me and I should be glad I had two parents.

Honestly, I wouldn't know, but the burden doesn't lie on me or them... it lies on the reality of how this world has happened and why people won't recognize it until it's too late, especially as I don't have the answer... they should if they had read more into the societal implications, and that goes for all people from every generation until now, as how in the world did you not realize what true pain was?

Edit: my parents always use to say they regretted having my sisters and I, by the way, so that's equally more sad to imagine, despite them causing us pain and allowing my sisters to be who they were and never giving them guidance and allowing them to bully me and reverting back to loving me and then blaming me...

 

[LostLily]

Parents came a strict religious culture were having babies is what everyone was expected to do. So yes, they would still have kids.

 

[greebo6]

Probably....I'm unlucky enough for that...

 

[S like suicide]

Hahah:( :(
My parents probably already after a short time of having me, were thinking that it would be better if I wasn't born at all since I didn't meet their expectations of a perfect child, as they wanted.
Even worse now....if they had known from the beginning that I would have created "problems" for them, obviously they would have aborted me as they did for the third child they were expecting after me.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I really hope not. Furthermore, my existence was very stressful for them and it is only going to be more stressful dealing with the aftermath (not that I care enough to be deterred).

 

[nogods4me]

A lot of parents are probably more selfish than people would like to believe. For me I would say one of them could go either way (mostly due to weak character and semi-religious upbringing) and the other I am pretty sure would have aborted. They thought it was going to work out even though it was objectively way more risky than the average because they chose to be willfully blind. Now they witness the ongoing display of failure and suffering their self-absorbed willful blindness led to. I wonder how much they care.

 

[Oliver]

Birthing a child is playing "roulette" with someone's life.

 

[FoxSauce]

I mean i dunno tbh

I am a triplet , mom says that shes happy to have us in her life but theres a part of me that isnt that convinced.

I think im more of a burden that anything.
Maybe she could've life a better more fulling life if she didnt have me.

Ofc shes not a person to do @b0rtion (can you say that?) at all, she cares about life tho

 

[Rabbit-]

One of my parents has already expressed that they dislike me and regret having me, so I don't even have to wonder. I already have my answer lol.

I think the other would assume they could somehow "save me" and prevent my life from turning out this way, against all reasonable logic.

 

[Hojag]

If my mother could have figured out how things would turn out to me, then she would try to avoid it. She already says how she wanted to go back in time and fix things to protect us, so I believe she would've never allowed her disgusting brother to live in our house.

Once he basically killed my grandmother with his selfish, maniac and possessive behaviour, she already blames herself too much, often saying everything would be fine for everyone if she was never born, which means, YES, she DOESN'T want me to suffer and I see this everyday, in her eyes, as time passes and she asks us forgiveness.

Though most of people love to blame parents for being trapped in this shit, there are lots of parents that blame themselves and acknowledge it's a miserable situation. This turned out like a ventinf, but I'm sick of READING SHIT WHILE MY OWN MOTHER IS ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING SUICIDAL HERSELF, SO GUESS WHAT? NOT ALL PARENTS ARE EVIL MONSTERS.

If you think I'm merely a bastard who annoyed you, do us a favour and ignore me. My experience doesn't invalidate yours, same for the contrary.

I'm tired of seeing everyone in my house crying. And though there are lots of shitty parents out there, mine are not guilty - and I'll never blame them for my own struggles, because they had no crystal ball.

 

[cooki3]

Nope. Completely aside from my issues (not that they are recognized despite being diagnosed) my mother has expressed to me how much she hates me and regrets having me. Has said many times she pities whoever ends up with me because of how horrible I am and that if she knew she'd had a kid like me she never would've and that she wished she'd get in a car accident everyday to not have to come home to me. Btw, I was a child-young teen when all of that was said. Never got in trouble literally ever, straight A's my entire life, didn't even have any friends so I only read books or watched tv. I had some issues with anxiety as a kid and cried a lot. But that was it. Her hatred for me was enough and I don't think she even cares about my suffering- just wants me gone. And btw I've asked her years after the fact to apologize bc I couldn't move on and she said verbatim, "no. I'm not going to apologize for that because I meant it."

 

[cme-dme]

I was an accident child so that kind of complicates things. I don't think she would have but it's hard to say in my situation.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

My mother had a hard life when she was a kid and teen. Very little money. She always wanted to have girls and give them a better life.

The catalyst for my life going downhill was my mother's death when I was very young. She died from cancer. I think if she knew how my life turned out and knew it was her untimely death that caused it. I think she would still have had me and instead would have sought treatment much early instead of working so hard all the time. The doctors said she would have had a really big chance of survival if she had had proper treatment at a certain point in time.

My mother worked incredibly hard so there was enough money to provide us with a good life. Her only fault, which wasn't even her own, was leaving this existence so young. If she had lived longer, I think I would have been able to overcome life's problems and wouldn't have gone through a lot of the trauma I went through.

I will never fault her for wanting children as she was kind, hardworking, intelligent, talented. She was and still is a great role model, one of the few people I consider worthy of being a parent.

 

[6lackstar]

I think if there was anything my mum could do to prevent me from being in pain or suffering she'd try her very best to do it for me, but i think never having me in the first place would be too much and I don't fault her for that. She's a fantastic mother and she's literally the only person on the planet keeping me alive

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Maybe they would've used some form of birth control since I was unplanned. Apparently, they thought they were not able to have kids due to medical reasons. But turns out, they "had to get married" when my mom got pregnant. While my mom sees it as a miracle, our lives really have not been so miraculous at all with my dad abusing her, etc. Dad passed when I was 13, Mom tried her best, and here I am today. Sometimes even I feel guilty for being the reason they got married ...

 

[NonEssential]

My parents still think I'll have an okay future ahead of me, I'm sorry for having to prove them wrong.

 

[waistcoat]

I know the answer to this, and it's yes. A lot of my issues are caused by health issues that were raised to my mother before birth. She was actually encouraged to abort me, but chose not to.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

No. IMO most humans have no idea how bad pain or suffering could get and that there is no reason to risk such intense extreme pain. If they did then why do they think it's ok to birth a new creature to risk extreme torture

 

[Aergia]

If they knew I'd turn out to be an atheist I doubt they would've. For God's sake though, not mine.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, Mom got her check, for putting up with a man, as she generally didn't like, and moreso of a religion her religion raised her to target for the money. Chasing money may not be inconsistent with Torah so I can honor the criminal dedication to that.

While I'd be okay with snapping out of existence and suffering, would be nice to prevent them meeting, and whatever I've ever done in the world could have been meted out by someone perfectly straight as G-d would prefer. I'm impressed but apparently G-d ain't going to show up and perfect a world where anyone exists with these thoughts.

 

[party?]

My dad couldn't care less so a no from him. My mom on the other hand would be both a yes and a no. She is quite pro life and is often worried that i'll ctb but has also told me many times to kill myself in front of an oncoming train and wishes often that i was never born because of what i have become (mostly when she was blinded with anger but i can't help but feel she does mean it) So ehh If she knew i'd not be the model child one hopes for but just a sad clown she would've surely never birthed me.