Do you remember being happy?

[thechosenone]

In a way, I do. But, It's been so long since I genuinely felt happy that I can't really say whether I remember the exact feeling. I do know I'm not the same though. I know I use to laugh a lot, until my stomach would be in pains. I use to joke around so much. Nobody had a bigger sense of humor than I did. That was around 5-6 years ago. Nowadays, every smile I try to put on my face feels like a forced, uncomfortable, difficult task.

 

[JWL]

In a way, I do. But, It's been so long since I genuinely felt happy that I can't really say whether I remember the exact feeling. I do know I'm not the same though. I know I use to laugh a lot, until my stomach would be in pains. I use to joke around so much. Nobody had a bigger sense of humor than I did. That was around 5-6 years ago. Nowadays, every smile I try to put on my face feels like a forced, uncomfortable, difficult task.

My smile comes out like an air bag in a car crash.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yes. For a few days in late march of 2018. I felt like all of my past struggles were over and I could finally move on with life. Before that? 12 and under, but that certainly had its lows too.

 

[mnjkl]

In a way, I do. But, It's been so long since I genuinely felt happy that I can't really say whether I remember the exact feeling. I do know I'm not the same though. I know I use to laugh a lot, until my stomach would be in pains. I use to joke around so much. Nobody had a bigger sense of humor than I did. That was around 5-6 years ago. Nowadays, every smile I try to put on my face feels like a forced, uncomfortable, difficult task.

I've also lost some of my sense of humor but there's still some dark comedy that I can connect with from comedians like Doug Stanhope, you should check him out.

 

[JWL]

I've also lost some of my sense of humor but there's still some dark comedy that I can connect with from comedians like Doug Stanhope, you should check him out.

A sense of humour, even or especially, in the darkest moments has always been my best weapon.

I'm fortunate to have been brought up with the Goons, TWTWTW, Python, Fawlty Towers, Spitting Images, and similar satyrical, self-deprecating and cynical types of humour. It's served me well when other things in life have not.

I recall an old joke: "If at first you don't succeed, fuck it!" That's how I feel about my ctb. I don't undermine the importance of it, and after my long days and nights of constant inner dialogue about my past, present, and future, I always go to bed thinking "Fuck it!", and I always sleep well...

Hopefully, all going well, I'm into my last 7 days now give or take a few of my ctb countdown. I would like to think my last defiant words will be "Fuck it all".

 

[Jynxer]

I do, now when I think about those times it feels like someone kicked me really hard in the gut and all the air has been knocked out of me. I didn't even know I was happy then. It's been 11 or 12 years ago. Now it's every day with thoughts of ending it. Every medication, diet change, trip to the gym always ends in me not wanting to live any more. The feeling like I just don't belong in this world. It's like seeing the horrible truth of life and never being able to go back to the simplicity of happiness.

No, I don't know what "happiness" feels like. I feel happy for a day once And awhile, but to be "happy"... I don't know what that is like. Never felt that. Ever. My life sucked since I was 3, and never stopped. Now I'm nearing 40, and wondering why I'm still tolerating this life. Maybe, because I'm waiting for those rare "happy" days to become every day. But I'm convinced that they won't. But, those rare days do feel kinda good. I wish they happened more often.