Do you remember being happy?

[Death.]

Most of my happy thoughts date WAY back to a time when I was under 10... Life has been a severely disappointing downward spiral since then

 

[Sundayafternoon]

Yes @Sundayafternoon Mental illness has really made me question life and religion, and the acceptance that I have absolutely no control over anything. Unable to unsee the truth, I feel I have no choice but to ctb. I just wish I had the courage and resolve of the Bird Box folks to terminate instantly.

Is Mental illness (particularly depression) when you question the force fed axioms of life and religion?
Or is it more like, once you reach a place in your life when you can't not confront the meaning of of it all and walk away believing the BS, you are deemed mentally ill?

Yes, those instant resolves were, "DAMN!!!" moments. But, I wouldn't say they boiled down to courage. They were under a spell of some sort.
Plus IRL, sans CGI, people have a real survival instinct they must overcome.

 

[fuckthis]

Yes. I remember when I was but it's usually when I was younger and more ignorant. I still have spots of happiness but it's temporary and doesn't last long, these days I just reminisce on the past and sorta smile.

 

[EBEN30]

It breaks my heart to hear how many on here have truly forgotten what happiness is life or feel like.

I can relate to most days feeling down or not wanting to be here but I'm a little more optimistic than some it seems.

I have no doubt that going on living will result in me experiencing periods of joy and happiness in my life, I know I will.

However, for the most part, I feel like is extremely difficult, unfair and that the nature of humanity at it's core is horrible. That's not to say there aren't moments to be proud of in history, in the world, in mankind but the reality is that life is extremely difficult and the majority of life is a constant battle for most people.

My favorite quote is from Grey's Anatomy and it's 'The carousel never stops turning and you can't get off' that's how life feels to me, constantly battle after battle, struggle after struggle, it goes at a million miles per hour and it just goes and goes but no matter what you can't stop it and get off, we're expected to just keep on going and be apart of the rat race and the way the world works.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Yes, when I was with my wife.

I see your posts across the site and I hope somehow things can work out for you xx

 

[Suicidal4Ever]

The only thing that comes close is distractions. TV and Gaming are lifesavers.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

No. I don't think I have ever been happy.

 

[a_strange_day]

honestly no, i dont remember ever being really happy even when i was a child. I've had some good times but i wouldn't call it happy
always been a sad guy inside, i was still able to hide it and mimic normalcy until 6-7 years ago but now i dont even try anymore, too tired for that

 

[woxihuanni]

Sure. It's just gone is all.

 

[k75]

I do, and it makes the way I feel now even worse. 8 years ago, my best friend predicted I'd never feel happy again, and he was right.

And it turns out, there are levels to unhappiness. I never knew. But each time I think it's the worst, I discover a new low. I think there's no limit.

I'm now suffering from near complete anhedonia. Even the way food tastes is altered for me. There's no enjoyment anymore.

But I can still remember how things should feel like or taste like or make me feel, so it's like being haunted, in a way.
Like all the good stuff is locked away behind a thin sheet of unbreakable glass. I can see it and almost touch it, but I can never experience it again. And I can never forget, either, because the reminders and disappointment are everywhere.

 

[Astral316]

I was always sort of dissociated from reality and most of what I'd call happiness was more like a "dreaminess"... it was very bittersweet... like I was incapable of forming a connection with people but I'd get lost in say a natural environment like a beach at sunset or a suburban neighborhood on a cool fall day, or the mountains... later on I got into out of body experiences which produced a similar effect. There was at least hope for a future filled with the elusive human connection I wasn't experiencing. Now bittersweet is just bitter. There's no hope, just a longing to sleep forever or at least return to where I was prior to birth.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Yes I do. It was last summer when I was with "him." I was nothing more than his "target" and I am traumatized to the point of death. I was so happy. Never been that happy. It was all torn away. I quit.

 

[JWL]

Lego!! I love Lego! I used to built large houses with many doors and windows - any architect would have a heart attack!!!

This could be a problem when it finally comes to your ctb.
You might find it hard to Le go...

 

[Mr2005]

Yeah. 1986-2004. That's what it might as well say on my gravestone. Feels like a past life now

 

[Tom9999]

Yes, I can remember leading an enjoyable life filled with purpose, meaning, and fulfillment. But that is far behind me now, and my repeated attempts to build such a life again have failed.

Happiness is accessible to me in the moment, like when petting a dog, chatting with a friend, or giving/receiving kindness.

But that sort of transitory happiness is fleeting, and when it fades it leaves behind only a gaping void of meaningless emptiness and disappointing failures.

 

[BipolarExpat]

I do but drawing the line between past happiness and varying levels of manic highs is challenging.

I also vividly remember other depressive episodes.

 

[omoidarui]

im happy right now

every year since 2009 has been a happier one

 

[JWL]

im happy right now

every year since 2009 has been a happier one

Are you selling your secret?

 

[omoidarui]

Are you selling your secret?

basically, don't get aplastic anaemia - like i did in that year.


and take singing lessons. or lessons in any instrument for that matter. Music is the holy grail of antidepressants.

 

[scorpiooo2]

It's been a while since iv'e truly been happy, I really do miss being happy like that and really wish I could just feel it one more time.

 

[wendydong1]

Recently, before July, I was at my best friend's house. And the guy I am ctb over called. My face lit up. Y best friend even commented to her husband, look at how happy she is...

 

[ralphnol]

Nowadays I have small glimpses of it, when I am lost in some moment, but those few and far between, and not so much happiness, as respite. I think I was kinda happy when I was like 13 or something.

 

[hunthunt]

Oh yeah definitively from 6years old to probably 10 more or less .

And very small glimpses of happyness between all my disastrous life, I dont think I can say I was being happy at all being high on cocaine and alcohol for weeks, even if it feelt great It was obviously a lie, a lie that trapped me to never let me out again.

 

[EmptySteph62]

I do, I remember being very little and not understanding how messed up the world was and only having to worry about scoby doo and looney toons.
But then I grew up and learned how fu^*ed up the world really is and learned how abusive my dad was to my mom and how my life was going nowhere good.
It hurts and I wish I could be happy again just one more time before I ctb, just to remember what it felt like ya know?

 

[justanotherday]

Yes, I can remember leading an enjoyable life filled with purpose, meaning, and fulfillment. But that is far behind me now, and my repeated attempts to build such a life again have failed.

Happiness is accessible to me in the moment, like when petting a dog, chatting with a friend, or giving/receiving kindness.

But that sort of transitory happiness is fleeting, and when it fades it leaves behind only a gaping void of meaningless emptiness and disappointing failures.

Excellent wording!

 

[mathieu]

Yes, I remember. When I was about 21 I was last happy. My meds were working and I was functional, could work and study, had a group of friends etc. I'm 28 now and live like a hermit. My mental health sucks and I can't work or study.

 

[mnjkl]

One thing that I've learned is to feel happiness in the small moments that I can, despite the overall circumstances of my life. For a short time you can feel the same happiness that other people feel if you can temporarily clear your mind of the thoughts that cause your usual unhappiness. Even during the worst times of my life I have a few happy memories of hiking through the forest or watching a great movie for the first time.

 

[oxymoron]

I do, now when I think about those times it feels like someone kicked me really hard in the gut and all the air has been knocked out of me. I didn't even know I was happy then. It's been 11 or 12 years ago. Now it's every day with thoughts of ending it. Every medication, diet change, trip to the gym always ends in me not wanting to live any more. The feeling like I just don't belong in this world. It's like seeing the horrible truth of life and never being able to go back to the simplicity of happiness.

Yeah. Last on Nov 9 2018.

 

[JWL]

basically, don't get aplastic anaemia - like i did in that year.


and take singing lessons. or lessons in any instrument for that matter. Music is the holy grail of antidepressants.

Definitely agree about the music! There's nothing like working through a new piece to relax the soul.

One thing that I've learned is to feel happiness in the small moments that I can, despite the overall circumstances of my life. For a short time you can feel the same happiness that other people feel if you can temporarily clear your mind of the thoughts that cause your usual unhappiness. Even during the worst times of my life I have a few happy memories of hiking through the forest or watching a great movie for the first time.

Yes, the simple things in life. A walk in beautiful countryside, connecting to the animal world, sunshine or a dark, mean, moody, stormy day when you're cosy inside in the warm, a nice dinner with wine, being distracted from negs of life by a great film, etc...

 

[Frank]

I have always been a kinda unhappy person. As a child my life consisted more of preventing sadness or grief than actual happines and for the last decade the closest I've felt to happiness was relief. I actually thought the feeling of relief was happiness for a while. That was a depressing therapy session when they had to explain i had't felt happiness and had even forgotten what it felt like.