Discussion More happy but also more sad how

[Eva is sick]

Before i start a quick FYI: im trans and started hrt 4months ago

Now I'm in a weird place where i never been happier in my life, i feel fulfilled and really happy. But I also never felt more depressed and suicidal than now every day feels like a fight and i don't want to fight anymore
It feels like a burnout from life.
Anyone feeling like that or know why it happens

 

[homunculi]

hey there, congrats on starting HRT, though i'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this. i've been on t for 10+ years and while it and surgery have been helpful and have fixed some problems, they haven't fixed everything. the first couple of years can be rough! early transition is such a fraught time, a lot of changes are happening and your mind and body are adjusting. and, as i am sure you are well aware, it's just not easy to be a trans person (especially a trans woman) in this world. like shit is really dire, globally. of course you're going to be experienceing a wide range of emotions that sometimes contradict each other.

plus if you experience chronic depression and suicidal ideation it's going to be hard to flip the switch. our brains get stuck in ruts and it's not so easy to course correct. with one of my surgeries i was extremely depressed and suicidal up to and for a while after it, but things changed. maybe the longer you're on it and the more you see yourself change and grow you'll feel differently. be gentle with yourself if you can.

 

[ardea]

I've been feeling a similar way. I've been on hrt for 17 months now (started diy right when I turned 18 and got a prescription a few weeks ago). I have been seeing some changes, but it's slow going and I've never been more suicidal. a few months ago I was constantly actively suicidal and now it's just really volatile, which ig is an improvement. looking at things objectively, I'm in a much better situation now since I have hrt, my parents are over me being trans, and I've switched majors so I only have one class I hate (as opposed to five). although chemistry still sucks. ik at this rate I'll eventually be fully transitioned and have voice trained and get ffs, but that's so far away it doesn't feel real.

my expertice in psych is limited, but it could be because your brain is so conditioned to things Being Bad that it has to relearn how to respond to fulfillment. learned helplessness is a concept where a person or animal faces adversity for an extended period of time and learns that nothing they can do affects their outcome. when their situation changes for the better, the deeply ingrained idea that they don't have control persists. the famous experement for this involved putting a dog in a box with a divider in the middle and having the floor of one side shock it. naturally, the dog goes to the other side. but then when they make both sides shock the dog, it learns that crossing the divider doesn't change its situation, so it gives up and just sits there. once the dog has given up, it continues to sit there and suffer even if the other side is turned off. super unethical I know, but it was the '60s. alternatively, you could just be subconciously anticipating a return to a worse situation, which prohibits you from relaxing. or it could just be anhedonia or persistant depression. (don't take this as a diegnosis or something, I just like psychology).

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I am not trans but as a women I can tell you that fluctuating Estrogen & Progesterone levels can wreak havoc on mental health for some people. So you may be happy because you have the hormones to become female but the hormones could also be making you depressed. Sorry if I am wrong assuming you are transitioning from M to F.

 

[littlepup159]

I am not trans but as a women I can tell you that fluctuating Estrogen & Progesterone levels can wreak havoc on mental health for some people. So you may be happy because you have the hormones to become female but the hormones could also be making you depressed. Sorry if I am wrong assuming you are transitioning from M to F.

That's why estradiol (een) injections are best bcs they are stable and levels are not changing every week. It can be only required through DIY most of the time but it's cheap.