Discussion More happy but also more sad how

[Eva is sick]

Before i start a quick FYI: im trans and started hrt 4months ago

Now I'm in a weird place where i never been happier in my life, i feel fulfilled and really happy. But I also never felt more depressed and suicidal than now every day feels like a fight and i don't want to fight anymore
It feels like a burnout from life.
Anyone feeling like that or know why it happens

 

[homunculi]

hey there, congrats on starting HRT, though i'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this. i've been on t for 10+ years and while it and surgery have been helpful and have fixed some problems, they haven't fixed everything. the first couple of years can be rough! early transition is such a fraught time, a lot of changes are happening and your mind and body are adjusting. and, as i am sure you are well aware, it's just not easy to be a trans person (especially a trans woman) in this world. like shit is really dire, globally. of course you're going to be experienceing a wide range of emotions that sometimes contradict each other.

plus if you experience chronic depression and suicidal ideation it's going to be hard to flip the switch. our brains get stuck in ruts and it's not so easy to course correct. with one of my surgeries i was extremely depressed and suicidal up to and for a while after it, but things changed. maybe the longer you're on it and the more you see yourself change and grow you'll feel differently. be gentle with yourself if you can.